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The Bad Boy At Home - And His Experiences In Trying To Become An Editor - 1885
by Walter T. Gray
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Yours, utterly in luv,

Lillyun Russell, Dudine.

Then I sent out notes to all the Bank Presidents and clerks, and nost everyone I culd think of wot had the handlin of other peepels munney. They wus short and sweet, but sum how they brot out a orful lot of voters. The notes red like this:

If you kno wots good for you, you'll vote for Joe Gilley for Guvner. Remember. From one who knos you as well as you kno yourself.

All the Methydists got notes from the Conferense Committee, sayin that they'd discovered that the Republican candydate was a rank infydel, and advisin them all to vote for Mr. Gilley, cos he was goin to donate a big pile of munney to furrane mis-shuns.

Every member of the Society of Hen Pecked Husbands, wot is very strong in New York, was requested by a letter sined by the President to vote for Mr. Gilley, cos he had it from good authority that the other feller had greed to order the legislate to pass a bill legalizin the wearin of the pants by married wimmen.

Then I sent out a circular to every dout-ful German voter, tellin them that the Republican candydate, wen he was a boy, had licked a duch boy biggeran him, and called him a puddin'-hedded, pot-stummicked, pretzel-thievin' son of a beer drinkin' and sour krout etin' duchman, and the time had cum for the Gurmans of New York to rebuke at the polls such a flaygrant insult to the most useful and respeckterbel standby's of the Nashun, the German cityzens.

I never seen enything do better in my life. With the excepshun of the few votes wot the Republercans had fore I got my wurk in, mine captured the hull cities of New York and Brooklyn, and the beer and wisky wots ben sent to rural districks, will giv us the hull State by a big majority. Wen I get big, Mr. Diry, I guess I'll hire myself out for a perfesshunal pollytickal wire-puller.



CHAPTER XXIII.

A GLORIOUS VICKTORIE.—THE LICKED CANDYDATE GENERATES BLUE SULFROUS AIR ON ACCOUNT OF THE ACKSHUN OF HIS PLEGED SUPPORTERS.

Xcitement is at fever heet, and tin horns and bonfires is seen and hurd everywere. We've swep the hull State like a averlanche, and the Republercan partie is deder'n a dore nale. Me and Joe Gilley is goin to run this ere Guvment now for a wile, and you bet we'll run her with discretion, and make a pile. I'm the hero of the Demmercrazy, and John Kelley giv me and Jimmy a 5 dollar bill a peece, so as we'd have munny enuf to hav sum fun with, cos Mr. Gilley sez I've ben workin purty hard, and he guessed I'd better take a rest tomorrer.

The back strete was lined with dudes to-nite, and every one of them crowded up to Lillyun wen she cum out the stage dore, but she didn't speek to eny of them. They wus all purty hot, but they don't regret the way they voted, cos they have the satysfackshun of knowin that the Xecutiv Manshun 'll hav a occupant wot has a very asthetick blendin of cullers in his mak up.

The Rerpublerkan candy date wot's got licked has gone and got orful mad at the Methydist Conference and swares, by golly, he'll never donate a nuther oyster to a church supper, and his remains 'll be smolderin down b'low 'fore them ungrateful hyppercrites 'll hold a nuther mute soshell in his house. His wife says she's goin ter sue them for the bord bill of them hoary hedded old delergates, wots been palmed off on her for the last fifteen years. She sez she alwuz expected sumthin 'd happen, cos when the young mens christshun associashun convention cum off, they sent all the yung and good lookin deler-gates over to Widder Masher's, cross the street, and didn't giv her eny bodie but a lot of old men, wot was just walkin round to save funeral xpenses.

The members of the Society of Henpecked husbands is looking like theyd been drawd thru a not hole, cos there wives hav ben wearin the pants again, and given them a taste of dissyplin for votin for a man wot has as outspoken anty wimmins rites vues as Mr. Gilley.

I peeped in the windys of sevral banks on my way home, and most all of the clurks has a scart and hunted look in there eyes, but I guess there safe, cos the one who knoes, don't kno quite as much as they think he does.

The Germans is jubilyant, cos they all helped to rebuke a insult I guess they wuldn't feel so orful proud of theirselves if they'd hurd John Kelley and Mr. Gilley talkin bout 'em, jest fore eleckshun, wen they was considered doutful, and Mr. Gilley sed ——— the Duch.

Pollytishuns is purty persnickerty, eny-way. I bleive wen I get ter be a big man I'll start out as a misshunary and devote my 'nurgies to savin the souls of pollytickel office-seekers and candydates; taint no use tryin to save there bodies, cos the devil's got a lien on them alreddy.



CHAPTER XXIV.

HIS HOLY DAY.—PERSONATIN A DUDE MAKES HIM LOSE HIS TRUST IN GALS.—MARIA GIVES HIM CLENE AWAY.—TERRERBEL REVENGE.— HE PROMISES FORGIVENESS ON CERTAIN CONDISHUNS.

I've lost all conferdense in gals and human nature, lost it all at one fell swoop. Yesterday I'd ben willin to bet a 20-cent seegar that my gal, Maria, would 'er lep cross one of the flews of Haydies for me. But I was deseeved; yes, Mr. Diry, I was wonderfully and terribly deseeved in her.

As I told you last nite, me and Jimmy got a holy day to-day and $10 to spend on havin a good time. So this mornin we drest up in our Sunday-skule cloes, and went down town to the property shop, and each bort ourselves a false mustash and canes. Then we went up to the barber shop and had our hare banged. Wen we was thru you wuldnt ben abel to tell us from full bludded Englush swells. We was just too too, walkin up and down Uniyun Square, puffin at our 10-centers, like we owned all New York and half of Brooklyn. You bet we maid sum mashes on the wimmin. Bout one clock we sta-shuned ourselves where we'd meet our gals as they went to skule. Jimmie's gal, Josie, and my Maria run together. Purty soon they cum long together, laffin and torkin. Then me and Jimmy braced ourselves up, and as they went by we winked. Josie she winked back, but Maria she sed orful sweet, "How de do?" so we followed em up. Purty soon Maria slowed up & sed its a nice day. I told her it was, then I sez if she wuldnt like to take a walk. She sed "she was greed if Josie'd go long, cos if they went walkin they'd have to play hookey, and one darsent do it without the other."

After sum persuashun, Josie greed to go long, so I offered my arm to Maria, and we had a big time til bout 5 o'clock. Then we sez to the gals if they'd like to go to the theater in the evenin, they thot it'd be or-, ful nice, but they didnt believe there mas wuld trust em to go with strange gentelmen, cos it wuldnt be rite. I axt her if there wasnt sum way to fix it.

Maria sed she guessed she culd tell her ma. Georgie was going to take her, & then Josie culd say, Georgie had a xtra ticket, & warnted her to go long, so we greed to meet em, at the corner, bout 7 clock. They was there on time, all drest up ter kill, and we took em down to the Standard, and had a big time. Wen the show wos out, we went to a resterant, & had sum oysters. Wile we was etin them, I axt Maria who the Georgie was who tuk her out.

"Oh," sez she, "he's a red hedded devil, wot wurks in the Buster offis, and aint a bit lik you. Ma likes him, and thinks he's orful steddy, and she aint frade to let me go eny place with him. He's mashed on me bad, and thinks I'm in luv with him, so he spends all his munney on me, and I jest go with him, cos he takes me to ennything wot cums along. It's fun ter see him, he's so green, and besides, he never fixes up eny, and I'm gettin most ashamed to be seen on the strete with him."



By this time I was feelin purty bad, but I maneged to keep up and make blieve I was feerful in love with her, and got her to promis never to go with Georgie agin. I had a bottel of perfume in my pocket, and jest 'fore we left the restyrant, I put sum on the gals handkercheefs, then I hawled off my false mustash, and soon Maria seen, I was her Georgie, and begun a cryin lik her hart wuld brak. I felt sorry for her, but I told her to dry up her eyes. I guess I must giv them the perfume out of the assyfitity bottel, cos, soon as she rubbed her face you never smelt such a overpourin smell in all your life, we had to keep em at arms length, all the way hum, and if we'd ben the Zar of Russher, and Queen Victoria, combined, the peeple wouldnt hav givin us more room on the side walk. I felt sorry for them, cos they cryed, and felt so bad, all the way home, and, if I coulder got close enuf to Maria, without bein smuthered I'd kissed and made it all up. Its a blessin that her ma and pa's got catarrh orful bad, or there mite be war in her house.

I'm goin to send her the follerin note in the morning, and next time I go to see her I'll fix up a littel, cos a fellow can't blame a girl for goin back on him if he don't think enuff of her to dress up neet:

Dear Maria: I was orful greeved by your conduct, but seein that you're sorry I'll forgive you for all. I'll call round in a week, wot'll give you time enuf to smell swete agin, if you're careful to wash often, give yourself lots of air, and keep plenty of carbollick acid and cloride of lime scattered round were you are.

Beleeve me your ever lovin

Georgie.



CHAPTER XXV.

ADVERTISES A ARTICKEL WOT WAS FOUND.—WIMMIN'S WAYS.— CLAMED.—IN DURANSE VILE FOR STEELIN A SHALL.—HAPPY EXPLERNASHUN AND INTERESTIN TABLOW.

"The lady wot dropped a artickel of warin appairel in the Post Offis, last even-in, can have them by callin on the Devil at this offis and provin property."

The abuv is a advertisement wot I had put in the Buster this mornin, and all day long I've ben kep busy attendin to the ansurs. The fust lady wot cum in had dropt a plume outer her hat. She giv me a full descripshun of it, wot it cost, and said she knowed it was hers wot I'd found; and then I showed her the artickel and axt her if that was it. She blushed up orful red, and sailed outer the offis like I'd insulted her. Yesterday muster ben a orful bad day for wimmin loosin things in the Post Offis, cos there's bout two hundred ben to the offis. Sum lost there teeth, uthers there bangs, clokes, slippers, overshoes, gloves, skurts, hankercheefs, bussels, and most everything wot a woman could pile on her; and I had to show every one of them the artickel wot was found, and axt them if that was it, and, curius enuf, every one went off mad and indignant. On towards nite I was jest beginnin to wonder wether, in a case like this, onhesty was the best pollysee, or wether it wouldnt of payed better for me to hav tuk em home to ma; wen a madin ladie, of doutful age, come in to the offis, and sed: "Yung man, have they got C. D. marked on the band." I sed: "Yes, marm."

"Well, they must be mine, cos my name's Carryline Duncan, & I alwus mark my cloes C. D. for short. I didn't kno I'd lost 'em til I got hum, after I'd ben down to the Post offis sendin a letter to Tom; that's my feller wots ben to China for ten yeres."

Then I giv em to her, and puttin them under her arm, she walked out as happy as culd be.

I thot I was thru with my trubbel with wimmin's warin apparel for one day, so I started hum. I'd ony got to the corner of Spruce street, wen a grate strappin perliceman cum up to me, and clappin me on the shoulder, sed: "I've got you, sunny, this time; cum along, now, or I'll be after makin you." I seen discreshun was the better part of valler, so I let him leed me. Wen we got to the stashun he preferred a charge of larceny gainst me. Then they axt me if I had eny bodie wot'd go my bale, so I got 'em to send for Mr. Gilley. Wen he arrove, he cum up to me, the teers streem-in down his cheeks, and sed: "Georgie, I'm sorry to see you in such a posishun, but you'd better pleed gilty, and axe mercy of the cort, cos they've got a sure case agen you. If you'd ony bin sharp enuf to hide the property, it wouldn't ben so bad." Jest then the lady wot the shawl was stole from, come to identerfy it. Mr. Gilley & me was lookin on. The lady looked orful close, and sed that looked jest like her shawl, wot was all black, ony this one didn't hav no yaller stanes on the corner were she dropt the lemon juce on to hers. Mr. Gilley looked at it close, and purty soon he sed: "Why, Georgie, that's our offis towl." Then I seen all thru it in a minnit, cos there was the towl wot I'd been carryin home to get washed, and the per-liceman, seein the end stickin out from under my cote, and knowin that a black shawl had been stole, arrested me as the theef. Then they had a big laff, and Mr. Gilley set em up for the crowd. He sed he knowd I was orful honorary, but he never culd b'leeve that I'd steel enything.



CHAPTER XXVI.

THE DELINKENT SUBSCRIBER'S ARISTOCRAZEY IDEAS ON THE EDITTUR'S DIGESTIV ORGANS.—A NEW WAY TO COLLECT OLD DETS.

There's a lot of fellers wot hav brown-stone manshuns up town, and French cooks wot dish em up everything good, from frogs' lim—er—leg to the posterier xten-shun of a eel's spinal collum, frickerseed, with mushrum catchup sauce. B'sides that, they've got lots of munney in the bank, and wuldn't think no more of givin sum Anglo Saxton perfesshunal beggar a thousand-dollar keepsake than they wuld of let-tin there folks go to Longbransh or Newport durin the all-fired heeted turm.

I dont mene, Mr. Diry, that all the welthy people of New York are alike, but I have refrense to that class of peeple wot are laberin under the 'mpresshun that editoriel stummicks was patented, and bilt speshelly and xclusivly for the absorpshun and dijestshun of printin-house paste and wind puddins, with ritin-fluid sauce as a con-dyment and appytizer. These are the peepel who alwus allow there noosepaper bills to accummerlate till they dropoff, and the edit-tur gives them a bang-up introduckshun on there long jurney, in the hope that the adminnysteers of there estates'll allow his bill Feint hope that is, cos were was the adminnysteer that was ever known to acknowledge a noosepaper bill as genwine. They all go on the princerpel "that all editturs is liars, and all big liars is editturs," and take the same deduckshun, wot is alwus this: "A bill persented by a liar must be a lie, on its face "; therefore, it is unallowable.

The reeson I've ben thus sollykisin, Mr. Diry, is, cos the expenses of the campane hav ben purty hevvy on Mr. Gilley, and yet havin had a chanse to dip his fingers inter the State Tressurey, he was run-nin a littel short of funds. So this afternoon he give me a lot of old bills to collect.

I found it purty had work, cos every-bodie 'peared to be perticklar fond of pay-in all there bills next week. I was gettin diseurraged, and I didn't like to go back to the offis without no munney, so I thot up a littel skeem. There was a big flour deeler wot owd a bill of $40, wot'd got outlored. So I went over to his offis and ast the clurk to tell him I wanted to see him on pertickler bisness. The clurk sed he was orful 'ngaged, & I'd better call round next week, and praps he'd hav time to tork to me. I insisted and told him to tell Mr. Paynuthin, that the bisness wot I warnted to see him on was a matter of immense importanse to himself. Soon as I got in, I sed: "Mr. Paynuthin, we've got on to sum very valuabel informashun, wot'll make your fortune, if the other flourmen don't get it fust. Now, if you'll pay up this bill, I'll giv it to you at wonce, and you'll get the inside trak on 'em." I seen he was gettin interested, so I concluded, by sayin: "Now if you don't get this in-formashun, it may leed to your ruin." He didn't say a wurd, but went to the safe, and got out the $40, and I receeted the bill, and axt him for a peece of paper, cos he mite forget it if I didn't rite it down. Then I wrote in big letters: "Owe no man a cent," and biddin him goodby, I took a hasty departure. The skeem work'd splendid every place I went, only at wun old lawyers offis, and he sed: "Yung man, I've been cheetin, fleecin and beetin everybodie for the last forty years, and there aint no noosepaper man livin wot can tell me eny eeseier way to mak a fortune. Git out," and I got. Mr. Gilley says I'm the boss collecttur, and orter hire myself out to a Mutual Life and Accident Asso-shiashun as assesment gatherer.



CHAPTER XXVII.

MINSE PIE AND DREEMS.—TERRIBLE RETRYBUSHUN.—WOT'LL OVER TAKE A GOOD MENNY.—VIRTUE RECEIVES ITS REWARD.

I guess the wurry of collecktin yesterday afternoon muster wurked upon my mind, cos, last nite, I dremt a dreem, wot'd maid each seprate hare on the heds of every delikent subskriber stand on end, and sing out "Pay up your noosepaper bill, old feller, if yer dont warnt a skorschin in the dubius hereafter."

Ma and Pa was out, cos it was prayer meetin nite at our church, so I went ter bed urley, cos I was frade wen they cum home, they'd miss the hull minse pie wot I'd ete.

I'd just bout got ter sleep, wen I smelt a orful smell, surgestiv of a straw hat revivin shop, wen they burn sulfir and brimstone, I looked down and behold, I seen a cort room, with a lot of lawyers and clurks sittin round a table, and the judge in a pulpit wot over looked them. The peepel all looked like Barnum's skellyton man, ony they didnt have no skin over there bones, and there eyes was maid of fire balls and eech of em had a long tail, like a snake. Purty soon the judge sed the court was open for bisness, and the sargent at arms brot in a feller all dressed up with a gold wach and big charm wot I reckernized as one of our ded beet subskri-bers wot'd dide last weak.

The judge looked him all over in a com-plermenterry way, and ast him if he'd alwus lived a onhest and uprite life.

"Yer onher," sed he, "I've given of my substanse to the poor; I've luved my nay-bor as myself; I've surved for ten years as Warden of a fashunubble church, and tride to the best of my knowlege and beleef to do rite."

"Yer onher," sed the prosercutin turney, wot I reckernized as the ex-religio-jurnalistick edittur of a defunckted alliance noosepaper, "May I ast the prisner a questshun?"

"You may," sed Judge Satan, for it was his infurnissimo himself.

"Prisner at the bar," sed the turney, "Did you pay your subskripshun to the Buster 'fore you checked your baggage thru to Hay dies?"

"No, sir," sed the prisner, "I did not. I never thot it was perticklar, cos editturs aint like other mortels, enyway, and I never knowd it was a sin to beet em if you culd."

"Yes, sir, yer onher," said the prosercutin 'turney, "he confesses his gilt, and I find, by lookin over the reckord, he ows the Buster offis for 8 years' subskripshun besides a hull string of free advertisin wot the edittur giv him outer goodness of hart. Not only that, but I notis in the day book that jest wun week 'fore he departed he ordered his paper stopped, cos he was opposed to surportin', by his munny, a Dem-mercratick candydate for Guvner. You see, yer onher, there is nothing left for you but to pass sentense on the prisner."

"Prisner at the bar," sed the Judge, "this yere cort sentenses you to hard laber shuvlin' flames at a tempyrature of 6,000 degrees, for 10,000 yares, durin' all wich time you will sing 'I want to be a angel, And with the editturs stand!' Shurruf, conduct the prisner to furnace number 561, next to Gittoes."

Soon as he'd gone, a cullered gentleman was brot in, and in ansur to there quest-shuns as to his morral standing he sed:

"Jedge I knoes I'se a hard cityzen, and I've done gone and sinned purty nigh all the sins wot I know'd of. Steelin' fouls, hookin' nickles outer the contrybushun box, 'propriatin' millyuns wot I'd no legal rite and titel to, gettin' converted at camp meetin' so as I culd mash wun of. them purty sistern, and other offenses too numer-ickel to menshun, but if this yere cort'U giv this nigger a sho, I'll try to leed a dif-frent life."

"Prisner, did you ever tak a noose-paper?" sed the Prosercutin' Turney.

"Yes, sar; I'se skribed for the Christshun Advercate for 'bout six yares, and I've payed it up in advanse for most a yare to cum."

"Bobby, my boy," sed the cort to his rite hand man, "go order the cook, to kill the fatted ram, and prepare a bang up lay out, cos this here cullurd brother is a man, molded after my own hart. Shake, my man," sed he, shovin his rite boney hand to the cullured feller's, "and after we've feested, and viserted my privat opra house, and taken in the new skellyton bailey at-trackshuns, I'll driv yer thru my subteranean domminyuns, fore you tak the xpress for Skie stashun, and you bet you'll say this here devil aint as bad as he's painted, cos he knoes how to onher a distingushed guest."

Then the seen vanished from my vishun, and I woke up, hollerin with a pane in my programme, and ma had ter get me a dose of brandie and ginger, outer the flask, wot pa carries, when he goes a fishin.



CHAPTER XXVIII.

AT THE STOCK EXCHANGE.—THE ENGAGEMENT.—FIRE IN THE SHECARGO UNIYUN DEPOT.—A OFFER FROM JAY GOULD.

This mornin noose was sorter dull, so the city edittur sent me down to the Stock Exchange for to write up the anticks of the Bulls and Bares. Wen I got down there I guess the annymiles hadn't got round, but there keepers was purty numerous, and made a good deel more noise than they would theirselves. I was showd up to the visters gallary, so as I culd get a good vue of the fite wot was goin on tween the grangers and coalers. The way they do there fitin puts me in mind of wen we use-ter go to skule, cos they chew up a lot of paper, and make spit balls outer it, and then paste each other on the eyes with them. Jay Gould is the name of a littel bit of a feller, he aint much in size, but he's hale columby wen it comes rite down to spit ball fites, cos he pasted old Russel Sage and Vandybilt outer ther boots, hittin fare in the eyes every time.

Wen they was gettin purty well tired out, a lot of fellers wot was "hit," cum out, and the other formed rings round them and sung a song wot sounded like it was maid up of five 8s and three 1/4 s. I shuld think theyd be ashamed of theirselves, grate big men, spendin there time playin a game wot Boys, as big as me, wuldn't do for a nickel. I seen they was disgracin us, New Yorkers, so I thot it was time to put a stop to it, and bring em down to bisness, so I sung out orful loud:

"Gintelmin: Thurs a big fire in the Uniyun Depot in Sheecargo." Then they all looked up to see who was talkin, and reckernized me, as connected with the Buster. You'd dide, to see em flyin round; the fellers wot do the bullin was purty neer crazey, coverin up there stocks, with margin's. Stocks come flyin down, like litenin, and the barish porshun of the compenney, was makin a immense pile of munney. The country lams wot the Bulls and bares had been fleecin, so as there wives, & gals culd have wool enuf, to stuff the footstools with, wot they was makin for Chrissmas boxes, hurd wot I sed, and tumbeled to it, and sold all the Western trunk stocks. I didn't say nothing till I seen thay'd got a good deal onter the bulls, then I sung out agen, "Gentelmen, The big fire wot, I sed, was in the Uniyun Depot, at Sheecargo, is still burnin fiercely, in the heeter, wots lokated in the seller."

I didn't wate to say good by, cos the fire-like gleem wot gleemed at me from bout a hundred pares of eyes, boded no good for the Busters devil.

Wen I got back to the offis a note was watin for me, wot red:

Dare Devil—You've mistakin your callin. A sensashunalist like yurself orter stick to the spesshialty bisness. If you'll quit the noosepa-per perfesshun, I'll form a syndycate, and run you as a stock hammerer, and gin you half the proffits.

Yours very trooly,

Gould.

I assure you, Mr. Diry, the temptashun was purty strong, but I thot of my integrity and princerples, and rote:

Sur—I prefer my present persisshun of hammerin branes inter the publick to that of hammerin stocks. Not all the syndycates of 'Merica wuld temp me to relinquish my onherabel con-necshuns with the Dailey Buster.

Yours trooly,

Devil.



CHAPTER XXIX.

HE CALLS ON MARIA AND PRONOUNSES HER FRAGRANT.—AT A CHURCH SUPPER.—BENERVOLENSE REWARDED.——A EPPYDEMMICK.

Last nite I went over to call on Maria. I thot I'd be prepared, so I washed myself in ma's lavender water, and sprinkeled oh de coloney all over my does. Wen I nocked at Marias dore, I stepped down off the steps and wated for her appairanse. At last she cum, and blushed up orful wen I ast her if it was all rite. She sed she didnt kno, cos she'd got so used to it she culdnt tell, but she thot it was all rite, cos she'd ben standin 'tween two open winders for the weak, and if it warnt gone by this time, she guest it'd stick to her for life. I walked up a littel closer to her, and sed: "Maria, cum here." She cum, and caushusly and carefully I put my knoes neer her, and sure enuf I culdnt smell nothin but a slite oder of cloride of lime and a lingerin of carbollick acid. Then I kissed her and maid her get fixed up, cos we was goin to report a oyster supper wot cum off at the U. P. Church. Wen Maria and me got there most everybodie had ete there plate of hot water, wot the church wardin'd had settin down on one of the oyster stalls at Fulton Market for bout a weak, so as it'd inhail a sa very flaver. Soon as Maria and me had got thru our plate, the 'xcitement begun, and the ladies all brot round there books for to hav us giv em 10 cents, and put down our names for a chanse in the one lonesum oyster wot the stew had ben maid of. Wen the wimmin had fleeced all the fellers outer every cent they had, and maid em turn there pockets inside out, so as to be sure they warnt tryin to keep back eny five dollar bills, the preecher got up on a platform and draw'd a number out of a hat full, wot a littel gal held over her hed. 'Fore he red out the number, he called on one of the deecons to offer up a prayer, that the Lord mite open up the hart of the lucky drawer, to donate the oyster to the church, so as they culd hold a nuther supper, without incurrin eny more such 'xtravergant 'xpenses.

Then the minnysteer sed 46 was the number, wot he'd drawed out, and that it stood oppsite Mr. Wylie's name. Now, Mr. Wylie is a orful rich banker, and is always donatin things to the church, so he got rite up and sed, he'd giv it to the good cause.

Then there was some cheerin' and every body crowded round the gasoline stove to wach the cook deposit the oyster in a can, so it culd be stovvd away in the Wardins Buggler proof safe. After delvin round the bottom of the pot for sum time the ladel cum up, with its assthetick freight, the black and green speckled tode, wot I'd slipped inter the stue, wile the prayer was goin up.

Sumthin muster ben Eppydemic in that church, cos everybodie, xceptin me and Maria, got to coffin and spuein up, and prayin Good Lord deliver us.



CHAPTER XXX.

THE DEVIL'S OCCUPASHUN GONE.—POLLYTISHUN OR JURNERLIST.— PLANS FOR THE FUTURE.—ADDYOU.

I aint no devil no more, cos this mornin Mr. Gilley informed me that I was gettin too big for my persishun, and he'd hired a nuther boy to act as the Busters Devil. He sez I can fuie round and act in the cuppaserty of missellaneus reporter, and rite up eny thing I think wurth wile, till it was time for us to go to Albanie and get inaugerated. Then he'd warnt me to act as his Privat Seckertery, cos he knowed I had his interest at hart, and was discrete enuf not to give him away.

I don't kno yet wether I'd better axcept his offer to become a pollytishun, cos I've got my mind set on the jurnerlistick perfesshun, and its bout the eesiest way to mak a fortune and a name wot I culd get.

I'll think over the matter, Mr. Diry, and if I can't get a situashun as a Washinton gossipper or a job on the Herald, to rite up the abberiginies of Cannadey, I may go on to Albanie, and rite up all the triks of the pollytishuns, jest to keep myself in pracktiss til we go outer offis.

I must close, Mr. Diry, cos I'm goin down to the hotel to intervue Curnel Bob, Ingysoll, and see if a feller like me wuldn't stand sum sho to make munny and a big name, if he was to start out as a "genuine devil" brok loose from Haydies.

And you, mister, remember if I ain't no longer a typergraffickal devil, I still am,

Yours trooly,

Georgie.

THE END

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