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The New Pun Book
by Thomas A. Brown and Thomas Joseph Carey
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* * * * *

GUARD—I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence?

G.A.R.—Yes, but is was a more common sight to see a sentry box.

* * * * *

A simple old farmer, McVeagh, Whom every one said was a jeagh, Fell in with a man On the confidence plan, And now he is back making heagh.

* * * * *

"Why, the bare idea!"

"Of what, dear?"

"Telling the naked truth!"

* * * * *

BESS—May wears the worst clothes when she is riding horseback. Look at her now!

FRED—That certainly is one of her bad habits.

* * * * *

"That," said the loaf, pointing to the oven, "is where I was bred."

* * * * *

FIRST FLY—Did it ever occur to you the baldheaded men have a keener sense of humor than others?

SECOND FLY—Well, I have noticed that they seem to be easily tickled.

* * * * *

The rubber plant was rubb'ring round In a manner most absurd: The long green corn prickled up her ears And this is what she heard:

"Wot's tomato wid you, you beat?" Asked the onion of the hash, "I'm jealous of the potato, Because he's got a mash.

"He is stuck on the honeycomb, And suits her to a tea, I used to be in love myself, But the cream has soured on me."

* * * * *

"Why do you call your dog hardware?"

"Because when I go to whip him he makes a bolt for the door."

* * * * *

HUSBAND—That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle player.

WIFE—Why?

HUSBAND—Because it is a great melter.

* * * * *

HE: Do you know, dear, you remind me of Huyler's candy.

SHE: Why? Because I am "so sweet?"

HE: No! "Fresh every hour."

* * * * *

LANDLADY (proudly)—Nothing goes to waste in this house. I make hash out of everything that's left over.

BOARDER—(musingly)—But what do you do with the hash that's left over?

LANDLADY—Re-hash it!

* * * * *

"If," said the druggist, "you will give this new tonic a trial I'm sure you will never use any other."

"Excuse me," rejoined the customer, "but I prefer something less fatal."

* * * * *

"Do you know, George, Papa thinks you are a literary man."

"Where did he get that idea?"

"I don't know, but he said you looked just like a bookmaker."

* * * * *

STUDENT—Professor, which is the logical way of reaching a conclusion?

PROFESSOR—Take a train of thought, my boy.

* * * * *

SMITH—They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer loses his nerve.

JONES—The engineer, perhaps, but not the Pullman porter!

* * * * *

"What do you mean by referring to Miss Elderly as a pall-bearer?"

"She sits around all day long with a green parrot on her shoulder. I don't like such Poll-bearers."

* * * * *

COURTNEY—When you proposed to Miss Dexter did you get down on your knees?

BARCLAY—No, I couldn't; she was sitting on them.

* * * * *

KICKSY—Wife, can you tell me why I am like a hen?

MRS. KICKSY—No, dear, why is it?

KICKSY—Because I can seldom find anything where I laid it yesterday.

* * * * *

"Did you ever hear about the two holes in our back-yard?"

"Well! Well!"

* * * * *

"Old Jones was killed last night by a dew-drop."

"Must have been a very heavy one."

"About four hundred tons."

"Horrible!"

"You see he was standing under the trestle, and a freight train ran off the track and dropped on him."

"But how about the dew?"

"Why, the train was due!"

* * * * *

FIRST DOCTOR—Well, doctor, I had a peculiar case to-day.

SECOND DOCTOR—What was it, please?

FIRST DOCTOR—I attended a grass widow who is afflicted with hay fever.

* * * * *

FRED—Did you hear of The Western Furniture Co. advertising for models.

DICK—What for?

FRED—To try on Parlor suits.

* * * * *

"Yes, there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you dyspepsia."

"And what part is that?"

"The hole in the middle!"

* * * * *

FANNIE—Why do people always apply the name of "she" to a city?

GEORGE—I don't know. Why is it?

FANNIE—Because every city has outskirts.

* * * * *

"And you really believe that Friday is an unlucky day?"

"I know it is."

"Washington was born on Friday, and so was Napoleon and Tennyson and Gladstone."

"Yes, and every mother's son of them is dead!"

* * * * *

"Are you an amateur photographer?"

"No. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, I heard that you got Miss Rox's negative last night."

* * * * *

Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St. Patrick's Day.

PAT—"If I'm up first I'll make a chalk mark on the door."

MIKE—"And if I get up first I'll rub it out!"

* * * * *

SIBLY—When Steve proposed to me he acted like a fish out of water.

TIRPIE—Why shouldn't he? He knew he was caught.

* * * * *

SHE—Why do they call it an arm of the sea?

HE—Because it hugs the shore, I guess.

* * * * *

The sunshine warm and budding trees, Made Johnny feel quite gay. He went to swim—the obsequies Are being held to-day.

* * * * *

"What's the matter, John? You look kind o' weather-beaten this morning."

"That's exactly what I am. I bet five dollars it would rain yesterday, and it didn't!"

* * * * *

"Can you swim, little boy?"

"Yes, sir."

"Where did you learn?"

"In the water, sir."

* * * * *

MILLIE—"I wonder what the holes in a porous plaster are for?"

WILLIE—"Why, they're for the pain to come out through, of course!"

* * * * *

"It's a good idea to make light of your troubles." "I do," replied Happigo; "whenever a creditor sends me a letter I burn it."

* * * * *

"What have you got to say for yourself?" "Jes dis, suh; I wants a liar to defend me." "You mean a lawyer?" "Yes, suh; I knowed I most had it!"

* * * * *

"So her second husband is a tenor?"

"Yes; she says her first was a bass deceiver!"

* * * * *

"I cannot play second fiddle to any one."

"Then be my beau!"

* * * * *

JIMSON—Now, you wouldn't marry me, would you?

MISS SEARS—Most certainly not; but why do you ask such a question?

JIMSON—Just to decide a bet.

* * * * *

CLARA—"He gave me an army-and-navy kiss."

MAUD—"What kind is that?"

CLARA—"Oh, rapid fire—sixty a minute!"

* * * * *

"Young man, don't you know you ought to lay something by for a rainy day?" "I do; my rubbers."

* * * * *

THE ONLY REMEDY—"Mamma, I dess you'll have to turn the hose on me."

"Why, dear?"

"'Tause I'se dot my 'tocking on wrong side out."

* * * * *

HE—"I saw you out driving yesterday with a gentleman. He appeared to have only one arm; is that all he has?"

SHE—"Oh, no; the other arm was around somewhere."

* * * * *

"Why are pugilists like chickens?"

"Because they live on 'scraps!'"

* * * * *

MAY—I wonder what the men do at the club?

PAMELA—From what Jack says I guess they play with the kitty most of the time.

* * * * *

SWATTER—I see you are mentioned in one of the books just published.

PRIMLY—Indeed! What book?

SWATTER—The directory.

* * * * *

"Do you go to church to hear the sermon or the music, Maude?" "I go for the hims," said Maud.

* * * * *

CUSTOMER—Why do you call this electric cake?

BAKER'S BOY—I 'spose becuz it has currants in it.

* * * * *

"That tenor of yours has a marvelous voice. He can hold one of his notes for half a minute."

"Shucks! I've held one of his notes for two years."

* * * * *

Coleridge, who was a bad rider, was accosted when on horseback by a wag, who asked him if he knew what happened to Balaam, "The same thing that happened to me—An ass spoke to him."

* * * * *

MOTHER—"What did your father say when he saw his broken pipe?" Innocent—"Shall I leave out the swear words, mother?" Mother—"Certainly, my dear." Innocent—"Then I don't think he said anything."

* * * * *

"So you were bound and gagged by bandits while in Italy, were you?" asked the garrulous person; "regular comic-opera bandits, eh?"

"No sir," said the traveler; "there was nothing of the comic-opera style about them. The gags they used were all new."

* * * * *

An excellent reason.—Casey—"Oi'll wurk no more fer thot mon Dolan." Mrs. Casey—"An' phwy?" Casey—"Shure, t'is an account av a remark thot he made t' me." Mrs. Casey—"Phwat did he say?" Casey—"Sez he, 'Pat, ye're discharged.'"

* * * * *

OLD LADY (at a ball game)—"Why do they call that a fowl? I don't see no feathers."

O'RILEY—"No ma'am. It's a picked nine."

* * * * *

Men are deceivers as a rule, And trust them far you never can; Though at confectioner's sometimes You may unearth a candied man!

* * * * *

A lady was looking for her husband and inquired anxiously of a housemaid, "Do you happen to know anything of your master's whereabouts?"

"I'm not sure, ma'am," replied the careful domestic, "but I think they are in the wash."

* * * * *

"Have you much room in your new flat?"

"Room! Mercy me, I should think not. Why, our kitchen and dining-room are so small that we have to use condensed milk."

* * * * *

"Couples making love will beware of the rubber plant." "While driving through the park don't speak to your horses. They carry tales." "All animals are not in cages. There are some dandelions on the lawn."

* * * * *

She heard the fog-horn blowing, "And what is that?" quoth she, The sailor merrily Replied: "it's just the dog-watch, ma'am, Whose bark is on the sea."

* * * * *

"She thinks that her husband is very economical."

"In what way?"

"She says that although he is passionately fond of cloves, he never eats but one at a time."

* * * * *

"I saw your sister on the street to-day."

"How was she looking?"

"I don't know. I didn't see her face."

"How did you know it was my sister?"

"Oh, I'm quick at figures."

* * * * *

"What is the secret of success?" asked the Sphinx.

"Push," said the Button.

"Never be led," said the Pencil.

"Take pains," said the Window.

"Always keep cool," said the Ice.

"Be up to date," said the Calendar.

"Never lose your head," said the Barrel.

"Make light of everything," said the Fire.

"Do a driving business," said the Hammer.

"Aspire to greater things," said the Nutmeg.

"Be sharp in all your dealings," said the Knife.

"Find a good thing and stick to it," said the Glue.

"Do the work you are suited for," said the Chimney.

* * * * *

He kissed her on the cheek; It seemed a harmless frolic; He's been laid up a week— They say, with painter's colic.

* * * * *

Charlemagne was in need of amusement.

"Why," they asked him, "do you have such a large number of court jesters in constant attendance on your royal person?"

"Because," he replied, with a right regal chuckle, "I could not earn the surname of 'The Great' were I not careful to keep my wits about me."

* * * * *

A certain young man told his girl the other night that if she didn't marry him he'd get a rope and hang himself right in front of her home.

"Oh, please don't do it, Harry," she said. "You know father doesn't want you hanging around here."

* * * * *

Three women may a secret keep If, as it has been said, There's one of the lot has heard it not And the other two are dead.

* * * * *

Lovett—You don't believe in divorce, then?

Hayter—No, sir; I've got too much sportin' blood.

Lovett—What has that to do with it?

Hayter—I believe in a fight to the finish.

* * * * *

Lawyer: "Have you conscientious scruples against serving as a juror where the penalty is death?"

Boston Talesman: "I have."

Lawyer: "What, is your objection?"

Boston Talesman: "I do not desire to die."

* * * * *

Cohen left the ball-game because he said the umpire looked right at him when he called "three balls!"

* * * * *

"A Maine dealer says he has sold more skates this season than he has ever sold before in an entire season."

"That proves what I have contended right along."

"What's that?"

"That prohibition does not prohibit."

* * * * *

Alas, for all their ecstasy, They knew not what was best: The young man reached the front door, The old man did the rest.

* * * * *

"Paw, can an honest man play poker?"

"Yes, Tommy; but he can't win anything."

* * * * *

If Pearl Street is crooked; Is Union Square?

* * * * *

"Why so glum, Blumly? Anything gone wrong?"

"Yes, I've just lost two of my best friends."

"By death or marriage?"

"Neither. I loaned them money."

* * * * *

Little Mary, quite contrary, How does your appetite grow? Lobsters and quail, champagne in a pail, And a "friend" to supply all the dough!

* * * * *

HE—Then I am to understand that you have given me the mitten, as it were?

SHE—You have said it.

HE—And is this all?

SHE—Of course it is. What more do you want—a pair of socks?

* * * * *

"Hey, boy, where's your brother?"

"In the barn, shoein' horses."

"Where's your mother?"

"In the back yard, shooin' chickens."

"Where's your father?"

"In the hammock, shooin' flies."

* * * * *

"Harold!" began his wife, in a furious temper, "my mind is made up——"

"Mercy!" interrupted her husband; "is that so? I had hoped that your mind, at least, was your own!"

* * * * *

CUSTOMER: "You have a sign in your window, 'A suit of clothes made while you wait.' Do you really do that?"

TAILOR: "Yes, sir. You leave your order, with a deposit, and then go home and wait till the garments are finished."

* * * * *

"Mother, may I go out to wheel?" "Yes, my darling daughter; I suppose, of course, you won't wear skirts, Although I think you oughter."

* * * * *

LADY—What! You here again? I don't believe you have done a thing all Summer.

TRAMP—You do me an injustice, mum. I jist finished doin' thirty days.

* * * * *

"Betty, why do you sit up at this hour of the night darning your stockings?" said mother, sharply; "don't you know it's 12 o'clock?"

"Oh, yes," laughed Betty, "but it's never too late to mend!"

* * * * *

"Now, why," remarked the little dog, in speaking to the tree, "Would you say that the heart of you is like the tail of me?" The tree gave the conundrum up. The pup, with wisdom dark, Explained the matter saying, "It is farthest from the bark."

* * * * *

BUTCHER—I need a boy about your size, and will give you $1 a week.

APPLICANT—Will I have a chance to rise?

BUTCHER—Yes; I want you to be here at four o'clock in the morning.

* * * * *

A prominent man called to condone with a lady on the death of her husband, and concluded by saying, "Did he leave you much?"

"Nearly every night," was the reply.

* * * * *

Bill had a billboard. Bill also had a board bill. The board bill bored Bill so that Bill sold the billboard to pay board bill. So, after Bill sold his billboard to pay his board bill, the board bill no longer bored Bill.

* * * * *

TOMMY—Pa, did you really mean it when you said you'd spank anyone that broke that vase?

PA—Just come here, sir, and I'll show you.

TOMMY—Don't show me. Show Bridget; she just broke it.

* * * * *

"Here lies poor Sam: and what is strange, Grim death has worked in him a change—— He always lied and always will, He once lied loud and now lies still."

* * * * *

"I'd like to see your mistress. Is she engaged?"

"Lord, sir! she's married; been married for twenty years."

* * * * *

BROWN—I hear that they use all sorts of materials in the manufacture of illuminating gas, nowadays.

JONES—True. They even make light of the consumer's complaints.

* * * * *

"Me eyes is crossed," sighed Kate. "No, love," "Not crossed," cried Pat. "Be jaber, 'Tis jist that aich is jealous of The beauty av its neighbor."

* * * * *

The other day the head of a boarding-school noticed one of the boys wiping his knife on the table-cloth, and pounced on him at once.

"Is that what you do at home?" he asked indignantly.

"Oh, no," answered the boy quickly, "we have clean knives."

* * * * *

JOHN—Say, do you want to get next to a scheme for making money fast?

TOM—Sure I do.

JOHN—Glue it to the floor.

* * * * *

"Pa," said little Willie, who had been reading a treatise on phrenology, "what is a bump of destructiveness?"

"Why—er—a railroad collision, I suppose,"

* * * * *

He always kneeled before the maid And kissed her finger tips; But he lost out. Another man Came by and kissed her lips.

* * * * *

"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I hope you are not going into politics."

"What made you think of that?"

"I heard you talking in your sleep about 'standing pat.'"

* * * * *

A man and his bride by the parson were tied, And when the performance was done, "Alas!" exclaimed he, examining his fee, "I add one to one and make one."

* * * * *

MISTRESS (to cook who has fallen down stairs)—I hope that you did not hurt yourself, Mary?

MARY—Oh, no, ma'am; Oi overtook meself at the bottom.

* * * * *

We're all often forced to rob Peter In order to settle with Paul, But some of us merely rob Peter And Paul never sees us at all.

* * * * *

SHE—"I think this a lovely hat you bought me, George, but really it's a sin to pay $50.00 for it."

HE—"Well, the sin is on your own head, not mine."

* * * * *

Knock, and the world knocks with you; Boost, and you boost alone! When you roast good and loud You will find that the crowd Has a hammer as big as your own!

* * * * *

"How did you cure your boy of swearing?"

"By the laying on of hands, principally."

* * * * *

"Ma, what is a Panama man called?"

"A Panaman, Johnny."

"Then what is a Panama woman?"

"If she's married and obeys President Roosevelt she's just a plain Panama."

* * * * *

He who courts and goes away, May court again another day; But he who weds and courts girls still May go to court against his will.

* * * * *

A notice at a small depot near Manchester reads:

"Passengers are requested to cross over the railway by the subway."

This reminds us of the oft-quoted notice put up at the ford of an Irish river:

"When this board is under water the river is unpassable."

* * * * *

Mary had a little lamb, But she thought it was immense: With new green peas and other things It cost her ninety cents.

* * * * *

LITTLE WILLIE—Papa, why does the railway company have those cases with the ax and saw in every car?

FATHER—I presume they are put in to use in case anyone wants to open a window.

* * * * *

The kerosene can on the mantel reposes, Its contents were sprinkled all over the fire, And all that poor Kathleen O'Donohue knows is, This dull world has changed for a sphere that is higher.

* * * * *

"He seems to have gone to the bad completely."

"Yes; I believe he found himself between the devil and the deep sea, and he realized that he couldn't swim."

* * * * *

As he walked with baby He had to confess That marriage with him Was a howling success.

* * * * *

THE SPINSTER—How many lodges did you say your husband belonged to?

THE WIFE—Fifteen.

THE SPINSTER—My goodness! just think of a man being out fifteen nights a week! Well, I'm glad that I'm an old maid.

* * * * *

Seven little missionaries— Horrible their fate— Cannibals picked clean their bones Then they were ate.

* * * * *

JUDGE—You are charged with profanity.

PRISONER—I am not.

JUDGE—You are, sir. What do you mean?

PRISONER—I was, but I got rid of it.

* * * * *

"I hate a liar," Wiggins cried, Said Jiggins, "Then 'twould seem You really ought to try and hide Your lack of self-esteem."

* * * * *

"Kind lady," remarked the weary wayfarer, "can you oblige me with something to eat?"

"Go to the woodshed and take a few chops," replied the kind lady.

* * * * *

Lady (after the tramp finishes eating)—It's merely a suggestion—the woodpile is in the back yard.

Tramp—You don't say! What a splendid place for a woodpile!

* * * * *

Said she, "How beautiful is nature!" Said the young man, "Yes, quite true;" Then, added, as he viewed her complexion, "And art is quite beautiful, too."

* * * * *

"How to make your trousers last," "Make your coat and waistcoat first."

* * * * *

The stork is a bird with a great big bill; He brings us the babies whenever he will; Then comes the doctor, and when he is through, You find that he has a big bill, too.

* * * * *

"Dearest," whispered Cordelia, after she had captured the coveted solitaire, "I have a confession to make. I am a cooking school graduate."

Clarence shuddered.

"Oh, well," he rejoined, after the manner of one resigned to his fate, "we can board."

* * * * *

If t-o-u-g-h spells tough, And d-o-u-g-h spells dough, Does s-n-o-u-g-h spell snuff? Or, simply snow?

* * * * *

THE WIFE (savagely)—Don't let me catch you flirting.

THE HUSBAND (meekly)—No, dear, never again. That's the way you did catch me, you know!

* * * * *

He called her an angel before they were wed, But that, alas! didn't endure. For ere many months had passed over his head, He wished that she was one for sure.

* * * * *

Elderly Man (greeting former acquaintance)—"I remember your face perfectly, miss, but your name has escaped me."

The Young Woman—"I don't wonder. It escaped me three years ago. I am married now."

* * * * *

"These verses make no sense," said she; "I can't tell what they mean." "Good! they'll make dollars then," cried he, "In any magazine."

* * * * *

THE BARBER—Did I ever shave you before?

THE VICTIM—Yes, once.

THE BARBER—I don't remember your face.

THE VICTIM—No; I suppose not. It's all healed up now.

* * * * *

They say the baby looks like me, A circumstance I dreaded, But the only likeness I can see Is that we're both bald-headed.

* * * * *

"Do you think the things one eats have a direct effect on one's disposition?"

"Well, rather. We had Indian meal pudding so often at our house that everybody got savage."

* * * * *

"I once saw a man at a meeting of a mothers' club."

"That's nothing; I once saw a teetotaler on a fishing trip."

* * * * *

Bluff a little, bluff a little As you go your way; Bluffing may not always help you— Many times it may.

Bluff a little, bluff a little; Men may rail at you— But you'll see by watching closely That they're bluffing, too.

* * * * *

The butcher is a fair minded fellow. He is always willing to meet his customers half weigh.

* * * * *

A queen was she—the beautiful maid— Beauty or wealth she did not lack— But the game was euchre that Cupid played, And the Queen was won by a Jack.

* * * * *

"So you paid $1,000 for a cook stove! Don't you think that was a good deal?"

"Yes, but they threw in a cook with it: she was warranted to stay two years!"

* * * * *

"Where are you going, my pretty maid?" "I'm going to cut the corn," she said. "Can I go with you, my pretty maid?" "You're no chiropodist," she said.

* * * * *

MEDIUM—Do you believe in spirits?

BUSYMAN (off guard)—When taken in moderation, yes.

* * * * *

"You never bought a gold brick, did you?" asked the admiring friend.

"Not exactly," answered Mr. Cumrox. "But I once came mighty near having a French count for a son-in-law."

* * * * *

The fate of Lot's wife Was all her own fault; She first turned to "rubber," And then turned to salt.

* * * * *

I was in the depot restaurant of one of the great railroads, and was asked why am I standing while drinking my coffee. All the rest of us sit down.

I replied, solemnly, that "I was always told to stand for the weak."

* * * * *

He used to send her roses; He sent them every hour, But now they're married and he sends Her home a cauliflower.

* * * * *

JOHN—I went into a restaurant to-day. The lemon pie that I had was a peach.

TOM—That's nothing, I went into a saloon and had no money, so I let the beer settle.

* * * * *

Her face was happy, His face was stern; Her hand was in his'n, His'n was in her'n.

* * * * *

JACK—"My wife's a fine shot. She can hit a dollar every time."

FRED—"That's nothing, my wife goes through my trousers and never misses a dime."

* * * * *

A man wanted a ticket to New York, and only had a $2 bill. It required $3 to get the ticket. He took the $2 bill to a pawnshop, pawned it for $1.50. On his way back to the depot he met a friend, to whom he sold the pawn ticket for $1.50. That gave him $3. Now, who's out that dollar?

* * * * *

"Is a howling dog a sign of death?" Said Doolittle to Dunn. "Of course it is, if the dog will wait Until I get my gun."

* * * * *

"No, indeed," she said, "I can never be your wife. Why, I had half a dozen offers before yours."

"Huh!" rejoined the young man in the case. "That's nothing. I proposed to at least a dozen girls before I met you."

* * * * *

There was a young woman named Hannah, Who put on a great many airs, She stepped on a peel of banana, And now she's laid up for repairs.

* * * * *

"What sort of labor is best paid in this country?" asked the English tourist.

"Field labor," answered the native American.

"Is that a fact?" queried the Englishman, who was inclined to be a bit skeptical.

"Sure," replied the other. "You ought to see the salaries our baseball players get."

* * * * *

This life's a game of chance, they say: The saw's more sad than witty, The public gathers 'round to play, The trust controls the "kitty."

* * * * *

GEORGE—I can't understand why my girl shook me.

HAROLD—What was that you wrote to her the last time?

GEORGE—All that I said was, "My Dear Susie: The dog I promised you has just died. Hoping these few lines will find you the same. Yours, George."

* * * * *

Now comes the question which will make This life a bitter cup.... How many hoopskirts will it take To fill a trolley car up?

* * * * *

"Speaking of accommodating hotel clerks," remarked a Portland commercial traveller, "the best I ever saw was in a town near Bangor. Just before I retired I heard a scampering under the bed and looked under, expecting to see a burglar. Instead I saw a couple of large rats just escaping into their hole. I dressed and went down to the office and put in a big kick. The clerk was as serene as a summer's breeze.

"'I'll fix that, all right, sir,' he said. 'Front! Take a cat to 23 at once.'"

* * * * *

A recent school examination in England elicited the following definitions:

"Noah's wife," wrote one boy, "was called Joan of Arc." "Water," wrote another, "is composed of two gases, oxygen and cambrigen." "Lava," replied a third youth, "is what the barber puts on your face." "A blizzard," insisted another child, "is the inside of a fowl."

* * * * *

"Why don't you demand $50,000 instead of $5,000?" said the lawyer.

"Oh, because," explained the lady of the breach of promise suit. "Then he might change his mind and want to marry me."

* * * * *

"I'll admit," said Mrs. Hylo, "there are some things I don't know"——

"That's no lie," interrupted her husband.

"But," continued the alleged better half of the combination, "that man doesn't live who can tell me what they are."

* * * * *

"Friend of mine to-day," said Mr. Kidder, "was talking of coming here to board."

"I hope," remarked Mrs. Starvem, "you were pleased to recommend our table and"——

"Sure! Told him it was just the thing for him. He's a pugilist and wants to increase his reach."

* * * * *

An English motorist is quoted as saying that he classed pedestrians as the quick and the dead: those who got out of the way and those who didn't.

* * * * *

"Yes, dear," said the petted young wife, examining her Christmas gift, "these diamond earrings are pretty, but the stones are awfully small."

"Of course, my dear," replied the diplomat husband, "but if they were any larger they'd be all out of proportion to the size of your ears."

* * * * *

Two Irish farmers who had not seen each other for a long time met at a fair. They had a lot of things to tell each other. "Shure, it's married I am," said Murphy. "You don't tell me so," said Moran. "Faix, yes," said Murphy, "an' I've got a fine healthy bhoy which the neighbors say is the very picture of me." Moran looked for a moment at Murphy, who was not, to say the least, remarkable for his good looks, and then said, "Och, well, what's the harum so long as the child's healthy?"

* * * * *

A bashful young couple, who were evidently very much in love, entered a crowded street car in Boston the other day. "Do you suppose we can squeeze in here?" he asked, looking doubtfully at her blushing face.

"Don't you think, dear, we had better wait until we get home?" was the low, embarrassed, reply.

* * * * *

"When the old man is shaking down the furnace, carrying out the ashes, feeding the cat and six kittens, and making the beds," remarked the observer of events and things, "of course he is too busy to hear his daughter in the parlor, singing: 'Everybody Works but Father.'"

* * * * *

"I assured her I could support her in the style she was accustomed to."

"Well?"

"She said she was looking for something better than that."

* * * * *

"Do you believe in transmigration of souls?"

"Well," answered the man who never admits that he doesn't know everything, "I wouldn't recommend it as a regular practice."

* * * * *

"After all, you know," said Mr. Oldbeau, "a man is only as old as he feels"——

"Yes," said Miss Pepprey, "but some old men make the mistake of thinking they are as young as they think they feel."

* * * * *

At a West End hotel one of the party asked:

"Have you got any celery, waiter?"

"No, sir," was the significant answer; "I relies on me tips."

* * * * *

YEAST—Did you ever try to dye eggs?

CRIMSONBEAK—No, I never did; but I've tried 'em after they were dead.

* * * * *

A dude from St. Louis named Crute Had a habit of saying, "Oh, shoot!" He said it one day To a man in Ouray, And that was the finish of Crute.

* * * * *

"How is your house heated?"

"By hot air."

"Hot air?"

"Yes—the landlord's."

* * * * *

"I want to get a head of cabbage," said the man who had been sent to market.

"Large or small head?" asked the grocer.

"Oh, about 7 1-4," said the man, absent-mindedly.

* * * * *

"I'll pass the butter," said he, while trying to pass the browsing goat.

"I'll butt the passer," said the goat, as he helped him over the fence.

* * * * *

"Yes, he's got a flying-machine ready for a trial now and he's trying hard not to be proud?"

"Why shouldn't he be proud?"

"Well, pride goes before a fall, you know."

* * * * *

"He has none of the finer sensibilities, nothing to distinguish him from the common herd."

"No?"

"No, sir. I've heard him confess, out of his own mouth, that all autos smell alike to him."—Puck.

* * * * *

"Why did you insist on only $99,000 a year as your salary?"

"Because," answered the high financier, "as soon as people hear a hundred thousand mentioned they get suspicious. It is better to keep the figure marked down a little."

* * * * *

Tom—I kissed her when she wasn't looking.

Clara—What did she do?

Tom—Kept her eyes closed the rest of the evening.

* * * * *

Jenks—Why on earth did you laugh so heartily at that ancient jest of Borem's?

Wise—In self-defense.

Jenks—in self-defence?

Wise—Yes; if I hadn't laughed so he would have repeated the thing, thinking I hadn't seen the point.

* * * * *

There is as much strength in an egg as in a pound of meat.

Gotabug—I should say so. I've smelt eggs that had more strength than a hundred pounds of beef.

* * * * *

A sporty young fellow named Phipps Last night went to view the eclipse. The moon looked so queer. He set up a cheer, The truth was he'd been taking nips.

* * * * *

"For mercy sake, don't put me near old Billions!" said Mrs. Lookyoung to her friend.

"Why not?" said the other. "He's awfully interesting."

"I know it," said Mrs. Lookyoung, "but I never sit next to him at dinner but that he blurts out something like, 'You remember back in the old pioneer days!'"

* * * * *

Mary had a little waist Where waists were meant to grow, And everywhere the fashions went Her waist was sure to go.

* * * * *

"This is an interesting clock, Miss," said the salesman, "you really should have one, especially if you're bothered with tiresome callers."

"It's merely a cuckoo clock, isn't it?" asked Miss May Pechis.

"Yes, but beginning at 10 P.M., instead of saying 'cuck-koo' every quarter hour it yells: 'Go home! Go home!'"

* * * * *

Mike—Yus, poor Sullivan is dead. He hadn't got an enemy in the world.

Pat—What did he die of?

Mike—Oh; he wur killed in a foight.

* * * * *

"You shouldn't drink your whiskey without water."

"Why not?"

"You'll ruin the coat of your stomach."

"Oh, well-it's an old coat, anyhow."

* * * * *

"Why do they make those Oriental pipes with bowls as big as water pitchers?" asked the inquisitive girl.

"Those," answered the wise woman, "are for men who have promised that they will confine their smoking to one pipe after each meal."

* * * * *

The detective at the boarding house table having satisfied himself that nobody had observed him, folded up his magnifying glass and put it back in his pocket.

"Yes," he said to himself, "they've got the same girl they had when I was here two years ago. I recognize her thumb print in the butter."

* * * * *

"Pa, what branches did you take when you went to school?"

"I never went to high school, son, but when I attended the little log school-house they used mostly hickory and beech and willow."

* * * * *

"Did you ever consider the case of the boy who stood on the burning deck?"

"Not particularly. Why?"

"Well, the game was poker and the hand had been dealt from the burning deck was a corker; so, as he didn't want to lose any chances, he—but you see?"

"I don't know as I do."

"Why, he stood pat."

* * * * *

The Governess—What happened when the man killed the goose that laid the golden egg, Margie?

Little Margie—Why, I guess his goose was cooked.

* * * * *

"Our new Congressman has made himself very popular."

"What has he done?"

"Introduced a bill declaring it a penal offence for a man to ask for a haircut or shampoo on Saturday afternoon."

* * * * *

"In my business," said the stock broker, "It is impossible to succeed without pluck."

"Huh!" snorted the man who had been up against it, "you mean 'plucking,' don't you?"

* * * * *

Servant—The plumber says this check should be $5 more.

Castleton—But it's the amount asked for.

"Yes, sir. But you've kept him waitin' for nearly an hour."—Life.

* * * * *

Tom—What's that? A two-dollar bill! You told me this morning that you were broke.

Jack—Well, I want you to understand that Japan isn't the only one that can borrow money.

* * * * *

"Yes, indeed, he's the homeliest man in public life to-day. Haven't you ever seen him?"

"No, but I've seen caricatures of him."

"Oh, they flatter him. You should see him."

* * * * *

SPECIAL RULES FOR GUESTS.

1—Guests are requested not to speak to the dumb waiter.

2—Guests wishing to get up without being called can have self-raising flour for supper.

3—The hotel is supported by a beautiful cemetery; hearses to hire, 25c. a day.

4—Guests wishing to do a little driving will find a hammer and nails in the closet.

5—If the room gets too warm, open the window and see the fire escape.

6—If you're fond of athletics and like good jumping, lift the mattress and see the bed spring.

7—If your lamp goes out, take a feather out of the pillow; that's light enough for any room.

8—Any one troubled with nightmare will find a halter on the bed-post.

9—Don't worry about paying your bill; the house is supported by the foundation.

J. WISE, Prop.



* * * * *



- Typographical errors corrected in text: Page 26: 'that is was' replaced with 'that it was' Page 28: 'She would he a' replaced with 'She would be a' Page 35: somethng replaced with something Page 39: pugulist replaced with pugilist Page 112: accounttant replaced with accountant Page 129: Hater replaced with Hayter -

THE END

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