"'Get out, Put! get out! Oh, Jehu! I'm speakin' right out in meetin'! Oh! I'm talkin' all the time!'
"The scene that followed is not to be described. The frightened old lady seized her dog and pitcher, and rushed out of meeting; the astonished preacher paused in the midst of his discourse, while the whole congregation were startled out of their propriety by the explosion; and it was some time before order and the sermon were again resumed."
ARMOND, the great comedian, had a great curiosity to see Louis XIV. in chapel, and accordingly presented himself one morning during service at the door. The sentinel refused to admit him.
"But, friend," said Armond, "you must let me pass; I am his majesty's barber."
"Ah, that may be," said the sentinel, "but the king does not shave in church."
MRS. PARTINGTON'S VERY LAST.
"WHERE did you get so much money, Isaac?" said Mrs. Partington, as he shook a half handful of copper cents before her, grinning all the while like a rogue that he is; "have you found the hornicopia or has anybody given you a request?" She was a little anxious. "I got it from bets," said he, chucking them into the air, and allowing half of them to clatter and rattle about the floor with all the importance of dollars. "Got them from Bets, did you?" replied she; "and who is Bets that she should give you money?—she must be some low creature, or you would not speak of her so disrespectably. I hope you will not get led away by any desolate companions, Isaac, and become an unworthy membrane of society." How tenderly the iron-bowed spectacles beamed upon him! "I mean bets," said he, laughing, "that I won on Burlingame." "Dear me!" she exclaimed, "how could you do so when gaming is such a horrid habit? Why, sometimes people are arranged at the bar for it." She was really uneasy until he explained that, in imitation of older ones, he had bet some cents on Burlingame and had won.
AT a late court, a man and his wife brought cross actions, each charging the other with having committed assault and battery. On investigation, it appeared that the husband had pushed the door against the wife, and the wife in turn pushed the door against the husband. A gentleman of the bar remarked that he could see no impropriety in a man and his wife a-door-ing each other.
NAUGHTY CHARLES LAMB.
CHARLES LAMB once, while riding in company with a lady, descried a party denuded for swimming a little way off. He remarked: "Those girls ought to go to a more retired place." "They are boys," replied the lady. "You may be right," rejoined Charlie, "I can't distinguish so accurately as you, at such a distance."
"SALLIE," said a young man to his red-haired sweetheart, "keep your head away from me; you will set me on fire."
"No danger," was the contemptuous answer, "you are too green to burn."
A GASCON was vaunting one day, that in his travels he had been caressed wherever he went, and had seen all the great men throughout Europe. "Have you seen the Dardanelles?" inquired one of the company. "Parbleu!" says he; "I most surely have seen them, when I dined with them several times."
THE force of emphasis is clearly shown in the following brief colloquy, between two lawyers:
"Sir," demanded one, indignantly, "do you imagine me to be a scoundrel?"
"No, Sir," said the other coolly, "I do not imagine you to be one."
A FORGETFUL MAN.
A MAN, endowed with an extraordinary capacity for forgetfulness, was tried some time ago, at Paris, for vagabondage. He gave his name as Auguste Lessite, and believed he was born at Bourges. As he had forgotten his age, the registry of all the births in that city, from 1812 to 1822, was consulted, but only one person of the name of Lessite had been born there during that time, and that was a girl.
"Are you sure your name is Lessite?" asked the judge.
"Well, I thought it was, but maybe it ain't."
"Are you confident you were born at Bourges?"
"Well, I always supposed I was, but I shouldn't wonder if it was somewhere else."
"Where does your family live at present?"
"I don't know; I've forgotten."
"Can you remember ever having seen your father and mother?"
"I can't recollect to save myself; I sometimes think I have, and then again I think I haven't."
"What trade do you follow?"
"Well, I am either a tailor or a cooper, and for the life of me I can't tell which: at any rate, I'm either one or the other."
AN ACUTE HINT.
AN Irish footman carrying a basket of game from his master to his friend, waited some time for the customary fee, but seeing no appearance of it, he scratched his head, and said, "Sir, if my master should say, Paddy, what did the gentleman give you?—what would your honor have me to tell him?"
I laid at my friend's house last night, and just as I laid me down to sleep, I heard a rumbling at the window of my chamber, which was just over the kitchen, a sort of portico, the top of which was just even with the floor of my room. Well, I just peeped up, and as the moon was just rising, I just saw the head of a man; so I got me up softly, just as I was, in my shirt, goes to where the pistols laid that I had just loaded, and laid them just within my reach. I hid myself behind the curtains, just as he was completely in the room. Just as I was about to lift my hand to shoot him, thinks I, would it be just to kill this here man, without one were sure he came with an unjust intention? so I just cried out hem! upon which he fell to the ground, and there he laid, and I could just see that he looked just as if he was dead; so I just asked him what business he had in that there room? Poor man! he could just speak, and said he had just come to see Mary!
TO a gentleman who was continually lamenting the loss of his first wife before his second, she one day said, "Indeed, Sir, no one regrets her more than I do."
A POLITE young lady recently asserted that she had lived near a barn-yard, and that it was impossible for her to sleep in the morning, on account of the outcry made by a "gentleman hen."
THE best hit we have lately seen at the rather American fashion of employing big crooked words, instead of little straight ones, is in the following dialogue between a highfalutin lawyer and a plain witness:
"Did the defendant knock the plaintiff down with malice prepense?"
"No, Sir; he knocked him down with a flat-iron."
"You misunderstand me, my friend; I want to know whether he attacked him with any evil intent?"
"O no, Sir, it was outside of the tent."
"No, no; I wish you to tell me whether the attack was at all a preconcerted affair?"
"No, Sir; it was not a free concert affair—it was at a circus."
LACONIC AND DECISIVE.
A WEALTHY Jew, having made several ineffectual applications for leave to quit Berlin, at length sent a letter to the king imploring permission to travel for the benefit of his health, to which he received the following answer:
"Nothing but death shall part us.
WHEN Woodward first played Sir John Brute, Garrick was present. A few days after, when they met, Woodward asked Garrick how he liked him in the part, adding, "I think I struck out some beauties in it." "I think," said Garrick, "that you struck out all the beauties in it."
FREDRICK I. of Prussia, when a new soldier appeared on the parade, was wont to ask him, "How old are you?—how long have you been in my service?—have you received your pay and clothing?" A young Frenchman who had volunteered into the service, being informed by his officer of the questions which the monarch would ask, took care to have the answers ready. The king, seeing him in the ranks, unfortunately reversed the questions:
Q. How long have you been in my service?
A. Twenty-one years, and please your majesty.
Q. How old are you?
A. One year.
The king, surprised, said, "Either you or I must be a fool." The soldier, taking this for the third question, relative to his pay and clothing, replied, "Both, and please your majesty."
AN Irish officer had the misfortune to be dreadfully wounded in one of the late battles in Holland. As he lay on the ground, an unlucky soldier, who was near him, and was also severely wounded, made a terrible howling, when the officer exclaimed, "What do you make such a noise for? Do you think there is nobody killed but yourself?"
"MISTER, I say, I don't suppose you don't know of nobody who don't want to hire nobody to do nothing, don't you?" "Yes, I don't."
A PERSON arrived from a voyage to the East Indies inquired of a friend after their mutual acquaintance, and, among the rest, one who had the misfortune to be hanged during his absence:
"How is Tom Moody?"
"He is dead."
"He was in the grocery line when I left this."
"He was in quite a different line when he died."
A JAMAICA PLANTER, with a nose as fiery and rubicund as that of the illuminating Bardolph, was taking his siesta after dinner, when a mosquito lighting on his proboscis, instantly flew back. "Aha! massa mosquito," cried Quacco, who was in attendance, "you burn your foot!"
IN a very thin house in the country, an actress spoke very low in her communication with her lover. The actor, whose benefit it happened to be, exclaimed with a face of woeful humor, "My dear, you may speak out, there is nobody to hear us."
LOUIS XIV. traveling, met a priest riding post. Ordering him to stop, he asked hastily, "Whence? whither? for what?" He answered, "Bruges—Paris—a benefice." "You shall have it."
ALLIES WILL FALL OUT.
A GENTLEMAN having to fight a main in the country, gave charge to his servant to carry down two cocks. Pat put them together in a bag; on opening which, at his arrival, he was surprised to find one of them dead, and the other terribly wounded. Being rebuked by his master for putting them in the same bag, he said he thought there was no danger of them hurting each other, as they were going to fight on the same side.
CATCHING A TARTAR.
AN Irish soldier called out to his companion:
"Hollo! Pat, I have taken a prisoner."
"Bring him along, then; bring him along!"
"He won't come."
"Then come yourself."
"He won't let me."
A DOWNRIGHT John Bull going into a coffee-house, briskly ordered a glass of brandy and water; "But," said he, "bring me none of your cursed French stuff." The waiter said respectfully, "Genuine British, Sir, I assure you."
A GENTLEMAN in the pit, at the representation of a certain tragedy, observed to his neighbor, he wondered that it was not hissed: the other answered, "People can't both yawn and hiss at once."
THE late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the violin, the following hits took place:
W. I fear, Charles, you lose a great deal of time with this fiddling.
S. Sir, I endeavor to keep time.
W. You mean rather to kill time.
S. No, I only beat time.
AN UNLUCKY COMPLIMENT.
A FRENCH gentleman congratulated Madame Denis on her performance of the part of Lara. "To do justice to that part," said she, "the actress should be young and handsome." "Ah, madam!" replied the complimenter, "you are a complete proof of the contrary."
A COMMAND ANTICIPATED.
IN the campaign in Holland last war, a party marching through a swamp, was ordered to form two deep. A corporal immediately exclaimed, "I'm too deep already; I am up to the middle."
A SMALL MISTAKE.
AN uninformed Irishman, hearing the Sphinx alluded to in company, whispered to his neighbor, "Sphinx! who is that?" "A monster, man." "Oh!" said our Hibernian, not to seem unacquainted with his family, "a Munster-man! I thought he was from Connaught."
A HOME TRUTH.
WHEN the late Duchess of Kingston wished to be received at the Court of Berlin, she got the Russian minister there to mention her intention to his Prussian Majesty, and to tell him at the same time, "That her fortune was at Rome, her bank at Venice, but that her heart was at Berlin." The king replied, "I am sorry we are only intrusted with the worst part of her Grace's property."
A BUCK having his boots cleaned, threw down the money haughtily to the Irish shoe-black, who as he was going away said, "By my soul, all the polish you have is on your boots, and that I gave you."
A FATAL STEP PREVENTED.
A BEGGAR importuned a lady for alms; she gave him a shilling. "God bless your ladyship!" said he, "this will prevent me from executing my resolution." The lady, alarmed, and thinking he meditated suicide, asked what he meant. "Alas, madam!" said he, "but for this shilling I should have been obliged to go to work."
A COMMON ERROR CORRECTED.
A SAILOR being in a company where the shape of the earth was disputed, said, "Why look ye, gentlemen, they pretend to say the earth is round; now I have been all round it, and I, Jack Oakum, assure you it is as flat as a pancake."
A YANKEE JUDGE AND A KENTUCKY LAWYER.
FEW persons in this part of the country are aware of the difference that exists between our manners and customs, and those of the people of the Western States. Their elections, their courts of justice, present scenes that would strike one with astonishment and alarm. If the jurors are not, as has been asserted, run down with dogs and guns, color is given to charges like this, by the repeated successful defiances of law and judges that occur, by the want of dignity and self-respect evinced by the judges themselves, and by the squabbles and brawls that take place between members of the bar. There is to be found occasionally there, however, a judge of decision and firmness, to compel decorum even among the most turbulent spirits, or at least to punish summarily all violations of law and propriety. The following circumstances which occurred in Kentucky were related to us by a gentleman who was an eye witness of the whole transaction.
Several years since, Judge R., a native of Connecticut, was holding a court at Danville. A cause of considerable importance came on, and a Mr. D., then a lawyer of considerable eminence, and afterwards a member of Congress, who resided in a distant part of the State, was present to give it his personal supervision. In the course of Mr. D.'s argument, he let fall some profane language, for which he was promptly checked and reprimanded by the Judge. Mr. D., accustomed to unrestrained license of tongue, retorted with great asperity, and much harshness of language.
"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge coolly, "put down twenty dollars fine to Mr. D."
"By ——," said Mr. D.; "I'll never pay a cent of it under heaven, and I'll swear as much as I ——please."
"Put down another fine of twenty dollars, Mr. Clerk."
"I'll see the devil have your whole generation," rejoined Mr. D., "before my pockets shall be picked by a cursed Yankee interloper."
"Another twenty dollar fine, Mr. Clerk."
"You may put on as many fines as you please, Mr. Judge, but by —— there's a difference between imposing and collecting, I reckon."
"Twenty dollars more, Mr. Clerk."
"Ha, ha!" laughed Mr. D. with some bitterness, "you are trifling with me, I see, Sir; but I can tell you I understand no such joking; and by ——, Sir, you will do well to make an end of it."
"Mr. Clerk," said the Judge with great composure, "add twenty dollars more to the fine, and hand the account to the Sheriff. Mr. D., the money must be paid immediately, or I shall commit you to prison."
The violence of the lawyer compelled the Judge to add another fine; and before night, the obstreperous barrister was swearing with all his might to the bare walls of the county jail. The session of the court was terminated, and the lawyer, seeing no prospect of escape through the mercy of the Judge, after a fortnight's residence in prison, paid his fine of a hundred and twenty dollars, and was released.
He now breathed nothing but vengeance.
"I'll teach the Yankee scoundrel," said he, "that a member of the Kentucky bar is not to be treated in this manner with impunity."
The Judge held his next court at Frankfort, and thither Mr. D. repaired to take revenge for the personal indignity he had suffered. Judge R. is as remarkable for resolute fearlessness as for talents, firmness, and integrity; and after having provided himself with defensive weapons, entered upon the discharge of his duties with the most philosophic indifference. On passing from his hotel to the court-house, the Judge noticed that a man of great size, and evidently of tremendous muscular strength, followed him so closely as to allow no one to step between. He observed also that Mr. D., supported by three or four friends, followed hard upon the heels of the stranger, and on entering the court room, posted himself as near the seat of the Judge as possible—the stranger meantime taking care to interpose his huge body between the lawyer and the Judge. For two or three days, matters went on this way; the stranger sticking like a burr to the Judge, and the lawyer and his assistants keeping as near as possible, but refraining from violence. At length, the curiosity of Judge R. to learn something respecting the purposes of the modern Hercules became irrepressible, and he invited him to his room, and inquired who he was, and what object he had in view in watching his movements thus pertinaciously.
"Why, you see," said the stranger, ejecting a quid of tobacco that might have freighted a small skiff, "I'm a ringtailed roarer from Big Sandy River; I can outrun, outjump, and outfight any man in Kentucky. They telled me in Danville, that this 'ere lawyer was comin down to give you a lickin. Now I hadn't nothin agin that, only he wan't a goin to give you fair play, so I came here to see you out, and now if you'll only say the word, we can flog him and his mates, in the twinkling of a quart pot."
Mr. D. soon learned the feeling in which the champion regarded him, and withdrew without attempting to execute his threats of vengeance upon the Judge.
ON his entrance into Philadelphia, General Lafayette was accompanied in the barouche by the venerable Judge Peters. The dust was somewhat troublesome, and from his advanced age, &c., the General felt and expressed some solicitude lest his companion should experience inconvenience from it. To which he replied: General you do not recollect that I am a JUDGE—I do not regard the DUST, I am accustomed to it. The lawyers throw dust in my eyes almost every day in the court-house."
A PHYSICIAN calling one day on a gentleman who had been severely afflicted with the gout, found, to his surprise, the disease gone, and the patient rejoicing in his recovery over a bottle of wine. "Come along, doctor," exclaimed the valetudinarian, "you are just in time to taste this bottle of Madeira; it is the first of a pipe that has just been broached." "Ah!" replied the doctor, "these pipes of Madeira will never do; they are the cause of all your suffering." "Well, then," rejoined the gay incurable, "fill up your glass, for now that we have found out the cause, the sooner we get rid of it the better."
"TAKE a ticket, Sir, for the Widow and Orphans Fund of the Spike Society?" "Well, y-e-a-s!—don't care much though for the orphans, but I goes in strong for the widows!"
MRS. PARTINGTON ON EDUCATION.
MRS. PARTINGTON, after listening to the reading of an advertisement for a young ladies' boarding school, said:
"For my part, I can't deceive what on airth eddication is coming to. When I was young, if a girl only understood the rules of distraction, provision, multiplying, replenishing, and the common dominator, and knew all about the rivers and their obituaries, the covenants and domitories, the provinces and the umpires, they had eddication enough. But now they are to study bottomy, algierbay, and have to demonstrate supposition of sycophants of circuses, tangents and Diogenes and parallelogramy, to say nothing about the oxhides, corostics, and abstruse triangles!" Thus saying, the old lady leaned back in her chair, her knitting work fell in her lap, and for some minutes she seemed in meditation.
A CERTAIN General of the United States Army, supposing his favorite horse dead, ordered an Irishman to go and skin him.
"What! is Silver Tail dead?" asked Pat.
"What is that to you?" said the officer, "do as I bid you, and ask me no questions."
Pat went about his business, and in about two hours returned.
"Well, Pat, where have you been all this time?" asked the general.
"Skinning your horse, your honor."
"Did it take you two hours to perform the operation?"
"No, your honor, but then you see it took me about half an hour to catch the horse."
"Catch him! Fires and furies—was he alive?"
"Yes, your honor, and I could not skin him alive, you know."
"Skin him alive! did you kill him?"
"To be sure I did, your honor—and sure you know I must obey orders without asking questions."
AS a nobleman was receiving from Louis XIII. the investiture of an Ecclesiastical Order, and was saying, as is usual on that occasion, Domine, non sum dignus.—"Lord, I am not worthy." "I know that well enough," replied the king, "but I could not resist the importunity of my cousin Cardinal Richelieu, who pressed me to give it you."
AT an election, a candidate solicited a vote.
"I would rather vote for the devil than you," was the reply.
"But in case your friend is not a candidate," said the solicitor, "might I then count on your assistance?"
WIT OF AN IRISH JARVEY.
AN anecdote, illustrative of the wit of Irish "jarveys," is going the rounds in Dublin. Mr. —— is a man of aldermanic proportions. He chartered an outside car, t'other day, at Island Bridge Barrack, and drove to the post-office. On arriving he tendered the driver sixpence, which was strictly the fare, though but scant remuneration for the distance. The jarvey saw at a glance the small coin, but in place of taking the money which Mr. ——held in his hands, he busied himself putting up the steps of the vehicle, and then, going to the well at the back of the car, took thence a piece of carpeting, from which he shook ostentatiously the dust, and straightway covered his horse's head with it. After doing so he took the "fare" from the passenger, who, surprised at the deliberation with which the jarvey had gone through the whole of these proceedings, inquired, "Why did you cover the horse's head?" To which the jarvey, with a humorous twinkle of his eye, and to the infinite amusement of approving bystanders, replied, "Why did I cover the horse's head? Is that what you want to know? Well, because I didn't want to let the dacent baste see that he carried so big a load so far for sixpence?" It should be added, in justice to the worthy citizen, that a half crown immediately rewarded the witty jarvey for his ready joke.
A GENTLEMAN complained that his apothecary had so stuffed him with drugs, that he was sick for a fortnight after he was quite well.
A SEA CHAPLAIN.
THE captain of a man of war lost his chaplain. The first lieutenant, a Scotchman, announced his death to his lordship, adding he was sorry to inform him that the chaplain died a Roman Catholic. "Well, so much the better," said his lordship. "Oot awa, my lord, how can you say so of a British clergyman?" "Why, because I believe I am the first captain that ever could boast of a chaplain who had any religion at all."
THE MODEST BARRISTER.
A COUNSEL, examining a very young lady, who was a witness in a case of assault, asked her, if the person who was assaulted did not give the defendant very ill language, and utter words so bad that he, the learned counsel, had not impudence enough to repeat? She replied in the affirmative. "Will you, Madam, be kind enough," said he, "to tell the Court what these words were?" "Why, Sir," replied she, "if you have not impudence enough to speak them, how can you suppose that I have?"
A LADY came up one day to the keeper of the light-house near Plymouth, which is a great curiosity. "I want to see the light-house," said the lady. "It cannot be complied with," was the reply. "Do you know who I am, Sir?" "No, Madam." "I am the Captain's lady." "If you were his wife, Madam, you could not see it without his order!"
A PRAGMATICAL fellow, who travelled for a mercantile house in town, entering an inn at Bristol, considered the traveling room beneath his dignity, and required to be shown to a private apartment; while he was taking refreshment, the good hostess and her maid were elsewhere discussing the point, as to what class their customer belonged. At length the bill was called for, and the charges declared to be enormous. "Sixpence for an egg! I never paid such a price since I traveled for the house!" "There!" exclaimed the girl, "I told my mistress I was sure, Sir, that you was no gentleman."
Another gentleman going into a tavern on the Strand, called for a glass of brandy and water, with an air of great consequence, and after drinking it off, inquired what was to pay? "Fifteen pence, Sir," said the waiter. "Fifteen pence! fellow, why that is downright imposition: call your master." The master appeared, and the guest was remonstrating, when "mine host" stopped him short, by saying, "Sir, fifteen pence is the price we charge to gentlemen; if any persons not entitled to that character trouble us, we take what they can afford, and are glad to get rid of them."
PROOF OF CIVILIZATION.
A PERSON who had resided some time on the coast of Africa, was asked if he thought it possible to civilize the natives? "As a proof of the possibility of it," said he, "I have known negroes who thought as little of a lie or an oath as any European whatever."
MAN AND BEAST.
"I AND Disraeli put up at the same tavern last night," said a dandified snob, the other day. "It must have been a house of accommodation then for man and beast," replied a bystander.
A NOBLE, but not a learned lord, having been suspected to be the author of a very severe but well written pamphlet against a gentleman high in office, he sent him a challenge. His lordship professed his innocence, assuring the gentleman that he was not the author; but the other would not be satisfied without a denial under his hand. My lord therefore took the pen and began, "This is to scratify, that the buk called the ——" "Oh, my lord!" said the gentleman, "I am perfectly satisfied that your lordship did not write the book."
CHARLES V., speaking of the different languages of Europe, thus described them: "The French is the best language to speak to one's friend—the Italian to one's mistress—the English to the people—the Spanish to God—and the German to a horse."
CON. OF THE SILVER FORK SCHOOL.
WHY is a man eating soup with a fork like another kissing his sweetheart? Do you give it up?
Because it takes so long to get enough of it.
DOG-FANCYING; OR INJURED INNOCENCE.
BOB PICKERING, short, squat, and squinting, with a yellow "wipe" round his "squeeze," was put to the bar on violent suspicion of dog-stealing.
Mr. Davis, Silk-mercer, Dover-street, Piccadilly, said:—About an hour before he entered the office, while sitting in his parlor, he heard a loud barking noise, which he was convinced was made by a favorite little dog, his property. He went out, and in the passage caught the prisoner in the act of conveying it into the street in his arms.
Mr. Dyer: What have you to say? You are charged with attempting to steal the dog.
Prisoner: (affecting a look of astonishment)—Vot, me steal a dog? Vy, I'm ready and villing to take my solomon hoth 'at I'm hinnocent of sitch an hadwenture. Here's the factotal of the consarn as I'm a honest man. I vos a coming along Hoxfud-street, ven I seed this here poor dumb hanimal a running about vith not nobody arter him, and a looking jest as if he vas complete lost. Vhile I vos in this here sittivation, a perfect gentleman comes up to me, and says he, "Vot a cussed shame," says he, "that 'ere handsome young dog should be vithout a nateral pertectur! I'm blow'd, young man," says he, "if I vos you if I vouldn't pick it up and prewent the wehicles from a hurting on it; and," says he, "I'd adwise you, 'cause you looks so werry honest and so werry respectable, to take pity on the poor dumb dog and go and buy it a ha'porth of wittles." Vell, my lord, you see I naterally complied vith his demand, and vos valking avay vith it for to look for a prime bit of bowwow grub, ven up comes this here good gentleman, and vants to swear as how I vos arter prigging on it!
Mr. Dyer: How do you get your living?
Prisoner: Vorks along vith my father and mother—and lives vith my relations wot's perticler respectable.
Mr. Dyer: Policeman, do you know anything of the prisoner?
Policeman: The prisoner's three brothers were transported last session, and his mother and father are now in Clerkenwell. The prisoner has been a dog-stealer for years.
Prisoner: Take care vot you say—if you proves your vords, vy my carrecter vill be hingered, and I'm blowed if you shan't get a "little vun in" ven I comes out of quod.
Mr. Dyer: What is the worth of the dog?
Mr. Davis: It is worth five pounds, as it is of a valuable breed.
Prisoner: There, your vership, you hear it's a waluable dog—now is it feasible as I should go for to prig a dog wot was a waluable hanimal?
The magistrate appeared to think such an occurrence not at all unlikely, as he committed him to prison for three months.
A SCOTCHMAN'S CONSOLATION.
A SCOTCHMAN who put up at an inn, was asked in the morning how he slept. "Troth, man," replied Donald, "no very weel either, but I was muckle better aff than the bugs, for deil a ane o' them closed an e'e the hale nicht."
THE COALHEAVER AND THE FINE ARTS.
A SMALL-MADE MAN, with a carefully cultivated pair of carroty-colored mustaches, whose style of seedy toggery presented a tolerably good imitation of a "Polish militaire," came before the commissioners to establish his legal right to fifteen pence, the price charged for a whole-length likeness of one Mister Robert White, a member of the "black and thirsty" fraternity of coalheavers.
The complainant called himself Signor Johannes Benesontagi, but from all the genuine characteristics of Cockayne which he carried about him, it was quite evident he had Germanized his patronymic of John Benson to suit the present judicious taste of the "pensive public."
Signor Benesontagi, a peripatetic professor of the "fine arts," it appeared was accustomed to visit public-houses for the purpose of caricaturing the countenances of the company, at prices varying from five to fifteen pence. In pursuit of his vocation he stepped into the "Vulcan's Head," where a conclave of coalheavers were accustomed nightly to assemble, with the double view of discussing politics and pots of Barclay's entire. He announced the nature of his profession, and having solicited patronage, he was beckoned into the box where the defendant was sitting, and was offered a shilling for a full-length likeness. This sum the defendant consented to enlarge to fifteen pence, provided the artist would agree to draw him in "full fig:"—red velvet smalls—nankeen gaiters—sky-blue waistcoat—canary wipe—and full-bottomed fantail. The bargain was struck and the picture finished, but when presented to the sitter, he swore "he'd see the man's back open and shet afore he'd pay the wally of a farden piece for sitch a reg'lar 'snob' as he was made to appear in the portrait."
The defendant was hereupon required to state why he refused to abide by the agreement.
"Vy, my lords and gemmen," said Coaly, "my reasons is this here. That 'ere covey comes into the crib vhere I vos a sitting blowing a cloud behind a drop of heavy, and axes me if as how I'd have my picter draw'd. Vell, my lords, being a little 'lumpy,' and thinking sitch a consarn vould please my Sall, I told him as I'd stand a 'bob,' and be my pot to his'n, perwising as he'd shove me on a pair of prime welwet breeches wot I'd got at home to vear a Sundays. He said he vould, and 'at it should be a 'nout-a-nout' job for he'd larnt to draw phisogomony under Sir Peter Laurie."
"It's false!" said the complainant, "the brother artist I named was Sir Thomas Lawrence."
"Vere's the difference?" asked the coalheaver. "So, my lords, this here persecutor goes to vork like a Briton, and claps this here thingamy in my fist, vich ain't not a bit like me, but a blessed deal more likerer a bull with a belly-ache." (Laughter.)
The defendant pulled out a card and handed it to the bench. On inspection it was certainly a monstrous production, but it did present an ugly likeness of the coalheaver. The commissioners were unanimously of opinion it was a good fifteen-penny copy of the defendant's countenance.
"'Taint a bit like me?" said the defendant, angrily. "Vy, lookee here, he's draw'd me vith a bunch of ingans a sticking out of my pocket. I'm werry fond of sitch wegetables, but I never carries none in my pockets."
"A bunch of onions!" replied the incensed artist—"I'll submit it to any gentleman who is a real judge of the 'fine arts,' whether that (pointing to the appendage) can be taken for any thing else than the gentleman's watch-seals."
"Ha! ha! ha!" roared the coalheaver; "my votch-seals! Come, that's a good 'un—I never vore no votch-seals, 'cause I never had none—so the pictur can't be like me."
The commissioners admitted the premises, but denied the conclusion; and being of opinion that the artist had made out his claim, awarded the sum sought, and costs.
The defendant laid down six shillings one by one with the air of a man undergoing the operation of having so many teeth extracted, and taking up his picture, consoled himself by saying, that "pr'aps his foreman, Bill Jones, vould buy it, as he had the luck of vearing a votch on Sundays."
SOON after Whitefield landed in Boston, on his second visit to this country, he and Dr. Chauncey met in the street, and, touching their hats with courteous dignity, bowed to each other. "So you have returned, Mr. Whitefield, have you?" He replied, "Yes, Reverend Sir, in the service of the Lord." "I am sorry to hear it," said Chauncey. "So is the Devil!" was the answer given, as the two divines, stepping aside at a distance from each other, touched their hats and passed on.
TEACH YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO SUCK AN EGG.
"YOU see, grandma, we perforate an aperture in the apex, and a corresponding aperture in the base; and by applying the egg to the lips, and forcibly inhaling the breath, the shell is entirely discharged of its contents."
"Bless my soul," cried the old lady, "what wonderful improvements they do make! Now in my young days we just made a hole in each end and sucked."
THE landlord of an hotel at Brighton entered, in an angry mood, the sleeping apartment of a boarder, and said, "Now, Sir, I want you to pay your bill, and you must. I've asked you for it often enough; and I tell you now, that you don't leave my house till you pay it!" "Good!" said his lodger; "just put that in writing; make a regular agreement of it; I'll stay with you as long as I live!"
Mistress: "I think, cook, we must part this day month."
Cook: (in astonishment)—"Why, ma'am? I am sure I've let you 'ave your own way in most everything?"
A SON of Erin, while hunting for rabbits, came across a jackass in the woods, and shot him.
"By me soul and St. Patrick," he exclaimed, "I've shot the father of all the rabbits."
AN action in the Court of Common Pleas, in 1794, between two Billingsgate fishwomen, afforded two junior Barristers an opportunity of displaying much small wit.
The counsel for the plaintiff stated, that his client, Mrs. Isaacs, labored in the humble, but honest vocation of a fishwoman, and that while she was at Billingsgate market, making those purchases, which were afterwards to furnish dainty meals to her customers, the defendant Davis grossly insulted her, and in the presence of the whole market people, called her a thief, and another, if possible, still more opprobrious epithet. The learned counsel expatiated at considerable length on the value and importance of character, and the contempt, misery, and ruin, consequent upon the loss of it. "Character, my lord," continued he, "is as dear to a fishwoman, as it is to a duchess. If 'the little worm we tread on feels a pang as great as when a giant dies;' if the vital faculties of a sprat are equal to those of a whale; why may not the feelings of an humble retailer of 'live cod,' and 'dainty fresh salmon,' be as acute as those of the highest rank in society?" Another aggravation of this case, the learned counsel said, was, that his client was an Old Maid; with what indignation, then, must she hear that foul word applied to her, used by the Moor of Venice to his wife? His client was not vindictive, and only sought to rescue her character, and be restored to that place in society she had so long maintained.
The Judge inquired if that was the sole object of the plaintiff, or was it not rather baiting with a sprat to catch a herring?
Two witnesses proved the words used by the defendant.
The counsel for the defendant said, his learned brother on the opposite side had been floundering for some time, and he could not but think that Mrs. Isaacs was a flat fish to come into court with such an action. This was the first time he had ever heard of a fishwoman complaining of abuse. The action originated at Billingsgate, and the words spoken (for he would not deny that they had been used) were nothing more than the customary language, the lex non scripta, by which all disputes were settled at that place. If the court were to sit for the purpose of reforming the language at Billingsgate, the sittings would be interminable, actions would be as plentiful as mackerel at midsummer, and the Billingsgate fishwomen would oftener have a new suit at Guildhall, than on their backs. Under these circumstances, the learned counsel called on the jury to reduce the damages to a shrimp.
Verdict. Damages, One Penny.
HANG TOGETHER OR HANG SEPARATELY.
RICHARD PENN, one of the proprietors, and of all the governors of Pennsylvania, under the old regime, probably the most deservedly popular,—in the commencement of the revolution, (his brother John being at that time governor,) was on the most familiar and intimate terms with a number of the most decided and influential whigs; and, on a certain occasion, being in company with several of them, a member of Congress observed, that such was the crisis, "they must all hang together." "If you do not, gentlemen," said Mr. Penn, "I can tell you, that you will be very apt to hang separately."
WEBSTER MATCHED BY A WOMAN.
IN the somewhat famous case of Mrs. Bogden's will, which was tried in the Supreme Court some years ago, Mr. Webster appeared as counselor for the appellant. Mrs. Greenough, wife of Rev. William Greenough, late of West Newton, a tall, straight, queenly-looking woman with a keen black eye—a woman of great self-possession and decision of character, was called to the stand as a witness on the opposite side from Mr. Webster. Webster, at a glance, had the sagacity to foresee that her testimony, if it contained anything of importance, would have great weight with the court and jury. He therefore resolved, if possible, to break her up. And when she answered to the first question put to her, "I believe—" Webster roared out:
"We don't want to hear what you believe; we want to hear what you know!"
Mrs. Greenough replied, "That is just what I was about to say, Sir," and went on with her testimony.
And notwithstanding his repeated efforts to disconcert her, she pursued the even tenor of her way, until Webster, becoming quite fearful of the result, arose apparently in great agitation, and drawing out his large snuff-box thrust his thumb and finger to the very bottom, and carrying the deep pinch to both nostrils, drew it up with a gusto; and then extracting from his pocket a very large handkerchief, which flowed to his feet as he brought it to the front, he blew his nose with a report that rang distinct and loud through the crowded hall.
Webster: Mrs. Greenough, was Mrs. Bogden a neat woman?
Mrs. Greenough: I cannot give you very full information as to that, Sir; she had one very dirty trick.
Webster: What was that, Ma'am?
Mrs. Greenough: She took snuff!
The roar of the court-house was such that the future defender of the Constitution subsided, and neither rose nor spoke again until after Mrs. Greenough had vacated her chair for another witness—having ample time to reflect upon the inglorious history of the man who had a stone thrown on his head by a woman.
A TEMPERANCE LECTURE.
"DADDY, I want to ask you a question." "Well, my son." "Why is neighbor Smith's liquor shop like a counterfeit dollar?" "I can't tell, my son." "Because you can't pass it," said the boy.
A DARNED SUBJECT.
A FEMALE writer says, "Nothing looks worse on a lady than darned stockings." Allow us to observe that stockings which need darning look much worse than darned ones—Darned if they don't!
IT is astonishing how "toddy" promotes independence. A Philadelphia old "brick," lying, a day or two since, in the gutter in a very spiritual manner, was advised in a friendly way to economize, as "flour was going up." "Let it go up," said old bottlenose, "I kin git as 'high' as flour kin—any day."
A GENTLEMAN in the Highlands of Scotland was attacked with a dropsy, brought on by a too zealous attachment to his bottle; and it gained upon him, at length, to such a degree, that he found it necessary to abstain entirely from all spirituous liquors. Yet though discharged from drinking himself, he was not hindered from making a bowl of punch to his friends. He was sitting at this employment, when his physicians, who had been consulting in an adjoining room, came in to tell him, that they had just come to a resolution to tap him. "You may tap me as you please," said the old gentleman, "but ne'er a thing was ever tapped in my house that lasted long."
The saying was but too true, he was tapped that evening, and died the next day.
DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.
A FEW weeks ago a "sporting character" looked in at the Hygeia Hotel, just to see if he could fall in with any subjects, but finding none, and understanding from the respectful proprietor, Mr. Parks, that he could not be accommodated with a private room wherein to exercise the mysteries of his craft, he felt the time begin to hang heavy on his hands; so in order to dispel ennui he took out a pack of cards and began to amuse the by-standers in the bar-room with a number of ingenious tricks with them, which soon drew a crowd around him. "Now," said he, after giving them a good shuffle and slapping the pack down upon the table, "I'll bet any man ten dollars I can cut the Jack of hearts at the first attempt." Nobody seemed inclined to take him up, however, till at last a weather-beaten New England skipper, in a pea-jacket, stumped him by exclaiming, "Darned if I don't bet you! But stop; let me see if all's right." Then taking up and inspecting it, as if to see that there was no deception in it, he returned it to the table, and began to fumble about in a side pocket, first taking out a jack-knife, then a twist of tobacco, &c., till he produced a roll of bank notes, from which he took one of $10 and handed it to a by-stander; the gambler did the same, and taking out a pen-knife, and literally cutting the pack in two through the middle, turned with an air of triumph to the company, and demanded if he had not cut the Jack of hearts. "No, I'll be darned if you have!" bawled out Jonathan, "for here it is, safe and sound." At the same time producing the card from his pocket, whither he had dexterously conveyed it while pretending to examine the pack, to see if it was "all right." The company were convulsed with laughter, while the poor "child of chance" was fain to confess that "it was hard getting to windward of a Yankee."
A HIGH AUTHORITY.
MR. CURRAN was once engaged in a legal argument; behind him stood his colleague, a gentleman whose person was remarkably tall and slender, and who had originally intended to take orders. The Judge observing that the case under discussion involved a question of ecclesiastical law; "Then," said Curran, "I can refer your lordship to a high authority behind me, who was once intended for the church, though in my opinion he was fitter for the steeple."
MISTAKEN THIS TIME.
COL. MOORE, a veteran politician of the Old Dominion, was a most pleasant and affable gentleman, and a great lisper withal. He was known by a great many, and professed to know many more; but a story is told of him in which he failed to convince either himself or the stranger of their previous acquaintance. All things to all men, he met a countryman, one morning, and in his usual hearty manner stopped and shook hands with him, saying—
"Why, how do you do, thir? am very glad to thee you; a fine day, thir, I thee you thill ride the old gray, thir."
"No, Sir, this horse is one I borrowed this morning."
"Oh! ah! Well, thir, how are the old gentleman and lady?"
"My parents have been dead about three years, Sir!"
"But how ith your wife, thir, and the children?"
"I am an unmarried man, Sir."
"Thure enough. Do you thill live on the old farm?"
"No, Sir; I've just arrived from Ohio, where I was born."
"Well, thir, I gueth I don't know you after all. Good morning, thir."
ONE OF THE BOYS.
NEIGHBOR T—— had a social party at his house a few evenings since, and the "dear boy," Charles, a five-year old colt, was favored with permission to be seen in the parlor.
"Pa" is somewhat proud of his boy, and Charles was of course elaborately gotten up for so great an occasion. Among other extras, the little fellow's hair was treated to a liberal supply of eau de cologne, to his huge gratification. As he entered the parlor, and made his bow to the ladies and gentlemen—
"Lookee here," said he proudly, "if any one of you smells a smell, that's me!"
The effect was decided, and Charles, having thus in one brief sentence delivered an illustrative essay on human vanity, was the hero of the evening.
BOY ALL OVER.
A DISTINGUISHED lawyer says, that in his young days, he taught a boy's school, and the pupils wrote compositions; he sometimes received some of a peculiar sort. The following are specimens:
"On Industry.—It is bad for a man to be idol. Industry is the best thing a man can have, and a wife is the next. Prophets and kings desired it long, and without the site. Finis."
"On the Seasons.—There is four seasons, Spring, Summer, Autumn, and Winter. They are all pleasant. Some people may like the Spring best, but as for me,—give me liberty, or give me death. The End."—Olive Branch.
PREPARATION FOR DINING.
AN Irish housemaid who was sent to call a gentleman to dinner, found him engaged in using a tooth-brush. "Well, is he coming?" said the lady of the house, as the servant returned. "Yes, Ma'am, directly," was the reply; "he's just sharpening his teeth."
POETRY AND PRIGGING.
BETWEEN POETS and prigs, though seemingly "wide as the poles asunder" in character, a strong analogy exists—and that list of "petty larceny rogues" would certainly be incomplete, which did not include the Parnassian professor. The difference, however, between Prigs and Poets appears to be—that the former hold the well-known maxim of "Honor among thieves" in reverence, and steal only from the public, while the latter, less scrupulous, steal unblushingly from one another. This truth is as old as Homer, and its proofs are as capable of demonstration as a mathematical axiom. Should the alliance between the two professions be questioned, the following case will justify our assertion.
Mike Smith, a ragged urchin, who, though hardly able to peep over a police bar, has been in custody more than a dozen times for petty thefts, was charged by William King, an industrious cobbler and ginger-beer merchant, with having stolen a bottle of "ginger-pop" from his stall.
The prosecutor declared the neighborhood in which his stall was situated—that more than Cretan Labyrinth called the "Dials"—was so infested with "young warmint" that he found it utterly impossible to turn one honest penny by his ginger-pop, for if his eyes were off his board for an instant, the young brigands who were eternally on the look-out, took immediate advantage of the circumstance, and on his next inspection, he was sure to discover that a bottle or two had vanished. While busily employed on a pair of boots that morning, he happened to cast his eyes where the ginger-pop stood, when, to his very great astonishment, he saw a bottle move off the board just for all the world as if it had possessed the power of locomotion. A second was about to follow the first, when he popped his head out at the door and the mystery was cleared up, for there he discovered the young delinquent making a rapid retreat on all-fours, with the "ginger-pop," the cork of which had flown out, fizzing from his breeches-pocket. After a smart administration of the strappado, he proceeded to examine the contents of his pinafore, which was bundled round him. This led to the discovery that the young urchin had been on a most successful forage for a dinner that morning. He had a delicate piece of pickled pork, a couple of eggs, half a loaf, part of a carrot, a china basin, and the lid of a teapot; all of which, on being closely pressed, he admitted were the result of his morning's legerdemain labor.
Mr. Dyer inquired into the parentage of the boy, and finding that they were quite unable, as well as unwilling, to keep him from the streets, ordered that he should be detained for the present.
The boy when removed to the lock-up room—a place which familiarity with had taught him to regard with indifference—amused himself by giving vent to a poetical inspiration in the following admonitory distich, which he scratched on the wall:
"Him as prigs wot isn't his'n— Ven he's cotched—vill go to pris'n."
WHEN Whitefield preached before the seamen at New York, he had the following bold apostrophe in his sermon:
"Well, my boys, we have a clear sky, and are making fine headway over a smooth sea, before a light breeze, and we shall soon lose sight of land. But what means this sudden lowering of the heavens, and that dark cloud arising from beneath the western horizon? Hark! Don't you hear distant thunder? Don't you see those flashes of lightning? There is a storm gathering! Every man to his duty! How the waves rise and dash against the ship! The air is dark! The tempest rages! Our masts are gone! The ship is on her beam ends! What next?"
It is said that the unsuspecting tars, reminded of former perils on the deep, as if struck by the power of magic, arose with united voices and minds, and exclaimed, "Take to the long boat."
A NOBLEMAN having given a grand party, his tailor was among the company, and was thus addressed by his lordship: "My dear Sir, I remember your face, but I forget your name." The tailor whispered in a low tone—"I made your breeches." The nobleman, taking him by the hand, exclaimed—"Major Breeches, I am happy to see you."
A TIPSY loafer mistook a globe lamp with letters on it, for the queen of night: "I'm blessed," said he, "if somebody haint stuck an advertisement on the moon!"
COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
GOVERNOR S—— was a splendid lawyer, and could talk a jury out of their seven senses. He was especially noted for his success in criminal cases, almost always clearing his client. He was once counsel for a man accused of horse-stealing. He made a long, eloquent, and touching speech. The jury retired, but returned in a few moments, and, with tears in their eyes, proclaimed the man not guilty. An old acquaintance stepped up to the prisoner and said:
"Jim, the danger is past; and now, honor bright, didn't you steal that horse?"
"Well, Tom, I've all along thought I took that horse; but since I've heard the Governor's speech, I don't believe I did!"
AN Indian came to a certain "agency," in the northern part of Iowa, to procure some whiskey for a young warrior that had been bitten with a rattlesnake. At first the agent did not credit the story, but the earnestness of the Indian, and the urgency of the case, overcame his scruples, and turning to get the liquor, he asked the Indian how much he wanted.
"Four quarts," answered the Indian.
"Four quarts?" asked the agent in surprise; "so much as that?"
"Yes," replied the Indian, speaking through his set teeth, and frowning as savagely as though about to wage war against the snake tribe, "four quarts—snake very big."
DANGERS OF DUSTING; OR, MORE BEAUTIES OF MODERN LEGISLATION.
BOB SMITH and Bill Davis, a couple of boys in the full costume of the "order" chummy, were charged with the high crime and misdemeanor of having attempted to violate that portion of the British Constitution, contained in the act relating to the removal of rubbish, by carrying off a portion of the contents of Lord Derby's dusthole, the property of the dust contractor.
"Please your lordship's grace," said the dust contractor's deputy, "master and me has lately lost a hunaccountable lot o' dust off our beat, and as ve nat'rally know'd 'at it couldn't have vanished if no body had a prigged it, vy consekventlye I keeps a look out for them 'ere unlegal covies vot goes out a dusting on the cross. Vhile I vos out in Growener-skvare, I saw'd both these here two young criminals slip down his lordship's airy and begin a shoveling his lordship's stuff into von of their sackses. I drops on 'em in the werry hidentikle hact, and collers both on 'em vith master's property."
Mr. Conant: You hear the charge, my lads—what have you to say in defence?
Smith: Ve vorks for the house, my lud.
Mr. Conant: Is it your business to take away the dust?
Smith: No, my lud—ve're the rig'lar chimbly sveeps vot sveeps his ludship's chimblys. Both on us call'd on his ludship to arsk if his ludship's chimblys vonted sveeping—and ve larnt that they didn't; so, my lud, as ve happened to see a lady sifting cinders in his ludship's airy, ve arks'd her if she could be so werry hobliging as to let us have a shovelful. She granted our demand vith the greatest perliteness, and jest as ve vos about to cut our sticks, that there chap comes up and lugs us avay to this here hoffice.
Mr. Conant: The case is proved, and the act says you must be fined 10l. Have you got 10l. a-piece?
Smith: (grinning from ear to ear)—Me got ten pounds! I should like to see a cove vot ever had sitch a precious sum all at vonce. All as ever I got is threeha'pence-farden, and a bag of marbles; (to the other)—you got any capital, Bill?
Bill: Ain't got nuffin—spent my last brown on Vensday for a baked tater.
Mr. Conant looked over the act with a view of ascertaining if power had been granted to mitigate; but the legislature had so carefully provided for the enormity of the offence, that nothing less than the full penalty would, according to the act, satisfy the justice of the case.
The fine of 10l. each was imposed, or ten days' imprisonment.
A RATHER foolish man of great wealth, was asked one day, if he had his genealogical tree.
"I don't know," he replied; "I have a great many trees, and I dare say I have that one. I will ask my gardener."
IN an Irish provincial journal there is an advertisement running thus:—
"Wanted—a handy laborer, who can plow a married man and a Protestant, with a son or daughter."
A FRIEND of ours was traveling lately, while afflicted with a very bad cough. He annoyed his fellow travelers greatly, till finally one of them remarked in a tone of displeasure—
"Sir, that is a very bad cough of yours."
"True, Sir," replied our friend, "but you will excuse me—it's the best I've got."
A WORKMAN, who was mounted on a high scaffold to repair a town clock, fell from his elevated station, upon a man who was passing. The workman escaped unhurt, but the man upon whom he fell, died. The brother of the deceased accused the workman of murder, had him arrested, and brought to trial. He pursued him with the utmost malignity, and would not admit a word in his defence. At length the judge, provoked at his unfounded hostility, gave the following judgment:
"Let the accused stand in the same spot whereon the dead man stood, and let the brother mount the scaffold, to the workman's old place and fall upon him. Thus will justice be satisfied."
The brother withdrew his suit.
AN Irish student was once asked what was meant by posthumous works. "They are such works," says the Paddy, "as a man writes after he is dead."
AN INSTANCE OF REMARKABLE COOLNESS.
KNICKERBOCKER Magazine picks up a good many good things. In the December number we find a story which runs thus:—"Judge B., of New Haven, is a talented lawyer and a great wag. He has a son, Sam, a graceless wight, witty, and, like his father fond of mint juleps and other palatable "fluids." The father and son were on a visit to Niagara Falls. Each was anxious to "take a nip," but (one for example, and the other in dread of hurting the old man's feelings) equally unwilling to drink in the presence of the other. "Sam," said the Judge, "I'll take a short walk—be back shortly." "All right," replied Sam, and after seeing the old gentleman safely around the corner, he walked out quickly, and ordered a julep at a bar-room. While in concocto, the Judge entered, and (Sam just then being back of a newspaper, and consequently viewing, though viewless,) ordered a julep. The second was compounded, and the Judge was just adjusting his tube for a cooling draught, when Sam stepped up, and taking up his glass, requested the bar-tender to take his pay for both juleps from the bill the old gentleman had handed out to him! The surprise of the Judge was only equalled by his admiration for his son's coolness; and he exclaimed, "Sam! Sam!—you need no julep to cool you!" Sam "allowed" that he didn't."
"PLEASE, Sir," said a little beggar girl to her charitable patron, "you have given me a bad sixpence." "Never mind," was the reply, "you may keep it for your honesty."
A YOUNG MAN, who was a student in one of our colleges, being very vain of his knowledge of the Latin language, embraced every opportunity that offered, to utter short sentences in Latin before his more illiterate companions. An uncle of his, who was a seafaring man, having just arrived from a long voyage, invited his nephew to visit him on board of the ship. The young gentleman went on board, and was highly pleased with everything he saw. Wishing to give his uncle an idea of his superior knowledge, he tapped him on the shoulder, and pointing to the windlass, asked, "Quid est hoc?" His uncle, being a man who despised such vanity, took a chew of tobacco from his mouth, and throwing it in his nephew's face, replied, "Hoc est quid."
MR. BETHEL, an Irish counselor, as celebrated for his wit as his practice, was once robbed of a suit of clothes in rather an extraordinary manner. Meeting, on the day after, a brother barrister in the Hall of the Four Courts, the latter began to condole with him on his misfortune, mingling some expressions of surprise at the singularity of the thing. "It is extraordinary indeed, my dear friend," replied Bethel, "for without vanity, it is the first suit I ever lost."
CAUSE OF GRIEF.
AN affectionate wife lamenting over her sick husband, he bade her dry her tears, for possibly he might recover. "Alas! my dear," said she, "the thought of it makes me weep."
WHERE YOU OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN.
A CLERGYMAN who is in the habit of preaching in different parts of the country, was not long since at an inn, where he observed a horse jockey trying to take in a simple gentleman, by imposing upon him a broken-winded horse for a sound one. The parson knew the bad character of the jockey, and taking the gentleman aside, told him to be cautious of the person he was dealing with. The gentleman finally declined the purchase, and the jockey, quite nettled, observed—"Parson, I had much rather hear you preach, than see you privately interfere in bargains between man and man, in this way." "Well," replied the parson, "if you had been where you ought to have been, last Sunday, you might have heard me preach." "Where was that?" inquired the jockey. "In the State Prison," returned the clergyman.
COUNSEL AND WITNESS.
A GENTLEMAN who was severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, was repeatedly asked if he did not lodge in the verge of the court; at length he answered that he did. "And pray, Sir," said the counsel, "for what reason did you take up your residence in that place?" "To avoid the rascally impertinence of dunning," answered the witness.
WORKING A PASSAGE.
A PADDY applied to work his passage on a canal, and was employed to lead the horses which drew the boat—on arriving at the place of destination, he swore, "that he would sooner go on foot, than work his passage in America."
ACCORDING to his own account, was born in Malden, Massachusetts. "I was born," says he, (in his celebrated work, A Pikel for the Knowing Ones,) "1747, Jan. 22; on this day in the morning, a great snow storm in the signs of the seventh house; whilst Mars came forward, Jupiter stood by to hold the candle. I was born to be a great man."
Lord Dexter, after having served an apprenticeship to a leather dresser, commenced business in Newburyport, where he married a widow, who owned a house and a small piece of land; part of which, soon after the nuptials, was converted into a shop and tan-yard.
By application to his business, his property increased, and the purchase of a large tract of land near Penobscot, together with an interest which he bought in the Ohio Company's purchase, afforded him so much profit, as to induce him to buy up Public Securities at forty cents on the pound, which securities soon afterwards became worth twenty shillings on the pound.
His lordship at one time shipped a large quantity of warming pans to the West Indies, where they were sold at a great advance on prime cost, and used for molasses ladles. At another time, he purchased a large quantity of whalebone for ships' stays,—the article rose in value upon his hands, and he sold it to great advantage.
Property now was no longer the object of his pursuit: but popularity became the god of his idolatry. He was charitable to the poor, gave large donations to religious societies, and rewarded those who wrote in his praise.
His lordship about this time acquired his peculiar taste for style and splendor; and to enhance his own importance in the world, set up an elegant equipage, and at great cost, adorned the front of his house with numerous figures of illustrious personages.
By his order, a tomb was dug under his summer-house in his garden, during his life, which he mentions in "A Pikel for the Knowing Ones," in the following ludicrous style:
"Here will lie in this box the first lord in Americake, the first Lord Dexter made by the voice of hampsher state my brave fellows Affirmed it they give me the titel and so Let it gone for as much as it will fetch it wonte give me Any breade but take from me the Contrary fourder I have a grand toume in my garding at one of the grasses and the tempel of Reason over the toume and my coffen made and all Ready In my hous panted with white Lead inside and outside tuched with greane and bras trimings Eight handels and a gold Lock: I have had one mock founrel it was so solmon and there was so much Criing about 3000 spectators I say my hous is Eaqal to any mansion house in twelve hundred miles and now for sale for seven hundred pounds weight of Dollars by me
Lord Dexter believed in transmigration, sometimes; at others he was a deist. He died on the 22d day of Oct. 1806, in the 60th year of his age.
A HUSBAND telegraphed to his wife: "What have you got for breakfast, and how is the baby?" The answer came back, "Buckwheat cakes and the measles."
WHAT tune is that which ladies never call for? Why, the spit-toon.
When is a lady's neck not a neck? When it is a little bare. (bear!)
When is music like vegetables? When there are two beats to the measure.
Why was the elephant the last animal going into Noah's ark? Because he waited for his trunk.
Why is a poor horse greater than Napoleon? Because in him there are many bony parts.
A LADY wished a seat. A portly, handsome gentleman brought one and seated her. "Oh, you're a jewel," said she. "Oh, no," replied he, "I'm a jeweller—I have just set the jewel." Could there have been anything more gallant than that?
ON THE STUMP.
A SPEAKER at a stump meeting out West, declared that he knew no East, no West, no North, no South.
"Then," said a tipsy bystander, "you ought to go to school and larn your geography."
"I WISH," said a beautiful wife to her studious husband, "I wish I was a book." "I wish you were—an almanac," replied her lord, "and then I would get a new one every year." Just then the silk rustled.
"BLAST your stingy old skin!" said a runner to a competitor, before a whole depot full of bystanders: "I knew you when you used to hire your children to go to bed without their suppers, and after they got to sleep you'd go up and steal their pennies to hire 'em with again the next night!"
THE following story is told of a boy who was asked to take a jug and get some beer for his father, who had spent all his money for strong drink. "Give me the money, then, father," replied the son.
"My son, any body can get the beer with money, but to get it without money, that is a trick."
So the boy took the jug and went out. Shortly he returned, and placing the jug before his father, said, "Drink."
"How can I drink, when there is no beer in the jug?"
"To drink beer out of a jug," says the boy, "where there is beer, anybody could do that; but to drink beer out of a jug where there is no beer, that is a trick!"
A GENTLEMAN was one day arranging music for a young lady to whom he was paying his addresses.
"Pray, Miss D——," said he, "what time do you prefer?"
"Oh," she replied carelessly, "any time will answer, but the quicker the better."
THERE is a man who says he has been at evening parties out West, where the boys and girls hug so hard that their sides cave in. He says he has many of his own ribs broken that very way.
A PROFESSIONAL beggar boy, some ten years of age, ignorant of the art of reading, bought a card to put on his breast, and appeared in the public streets as a "poor widow with eight small children."
"DOES the razor take hold well?" inquired a darkey, who was shaving a gentleman from the country. "Yes," replied the customer, with tears in his eyes, "it takes hold first rate, but it don't let go worth a cent."
COULDN'T TELL HIS FATHER.
CICERO was of low birth, and Metellus was the son of a licentious woman. Metellus said to Cicero, "Dare you tell your father's name?" Cicero replied, "Can your mother tell yours?"
A SAUCY DOCTOR.
"Why, doctor," said a sick lady, "you give me the same medicine that you are giving my husband. Why is that?" "All right," replied the doctor, "what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander."
EXPOSING A PARSON.
A MINISTER was one Sabbath examining a Sunday school in catechism before the congregation. The usual question was put to the first girl, a strapper, who usually assisted her father, who was a publican, in waiting upon customers.
"What is your name?"
"What is your name?" he repeated,
"None of your fun, Mr. Minister," said the girl; "you know my name well enough. Don't you say when you come to our house on a night, 'Bet, bring me some more ale?'"
The congregation, forgetting the sacredness of the place, were in a broad grin, and the parson looked daggers.
"PAPA, can't I go to the zoologerical rooms to see the camomile fight the rhy-no-sir-ee-hoss?" "Sartin, my son, but don't get your trowsers torn. Strange, my dear, what a taste that boy has for nat'ral history. No longer ago than yesterday he had a pair of Thomas-cats hanging by their tails to the clothes line."