The little girl said: "No, I don't want to." Then she brightened up and said: "Uncle Fred, you do it."
"Your honor," said the prosecuting attorney, "your bull pup has went and chawed up the court Bible."
"Well," grumbled the Court, "make the witness kiss the pup; we can't adjourn court to get a new Bible."
MR. NEWLYWED—"Did you sew the button on my coat, darling?"
MRS. NEWLYWED—"No, love; I couldn't find the button, and so I just sewed up the buttonhole."—Judge.
TOURIST (in village notion-store)—"Whaddya got in the shape of automobile-tires?"
SALESLADY—"Funeral wreaths, life-preservers, invalid cushions, and doughnuts."—Judge.
"Pa, what is a suburb, anyhow?"
"A place which has lost the joy of the country and lacks the feverish delight of the city."
"There's no danger in riding in these subways, is there?"
"I should say so. The last time I tried them I found myself in Brooklyn."
FIRST SUBWAY DIRECTOR—"We may have to provide more seats."
SECOND SUBWAY DIRECTOR-"Nonsense! Simply have 'The Star-Spangled Banner' played on all cars."—Life.
Success in any line is no more an accident than the ball player's batting average is a streak of luck. It is putting the right hits in the right place and keeping the good work up—it's head work.
He Must Dig
He wanted a job, and, like every one else, He wanted a good one, you know; Where his clothes would not soil and his hands would keep clean, And the salary must'nt be low. He asked for a pen; but they gave him a spade, And he half turned away with a shrug. But he altered his mind, and seizing the spade—he dug.
He worked with a will that is bound to succeed, And the months and the years went along. The way it was rough and the labor was hard, But his heart he kept filled with a song. Some jeered him and sneered at the task; but he plugged Just as hard as he ever could plug; Their words never seemed to disturb him a bit—as he dug.
The day came at last when they called for the spade, And gave him a pen in its place. The joy of achievement was sweet to his taste, And victory shone in his face. We can't always get what we hope for at first— Success cuts many queer jigs— But one thing is sure, a boy will succeed—if he digs.
There is no open door to the Temple of Success. Every man who enters forges his own key and cannot effect an entrance for anyone else. Not even his own children can pass this door. Remember that the key that will unlock your greatest opportunities must be forged by yourself. No outside Power, no help from friends or relations can do as much for you as you can do for yourself.
It's doing your job the best you can And being just to your fellowman; It's making money, but holding friends, And staying true to your aims and ends; It's figuring how and learning why, And looking forward and thinking high, And dreaming a little and doing much; It's always keeping in closest touch, With what is finest in word and deed; It's being thorough, yet making speed; It's struggling on with a will to win, But taking loss with a cheerful grin; It's sharing sorrow and work and mirth And making better this good old earth; It's serving, striving through strain and stress, It's doing your noblest—that's Success.
Six Suggestions for Success
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievement of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times, and to have a smile for every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you will have no time to criticize others.
To be too big for worry, too noble for anger and too strong for fear.
To think well of your self and to proclaim this fact to the world—not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the world is on your side so long as you are true to the best that is in you.
The world knows but little of failures, and cares less. The world only watches the successes.
Stop worrying over things that can't be helped and go and do things that can be done.
Few people care a continental for your failure. Few, if any, will help.
You may sit and magnify your mistakes, mourn and go mad over your blunders, but men will only smile that cynical smile and say of you, "He's no good."
Self-pity, sympathy soliciting, wishing and wailing will only let you down lower. Brace up. Brush up. Think up. And you will get up. Think down. Look down. Act down. And you will stay down.
Paint your face with a smile. Advertise that you are a success. Then think and work for it.
Whatever you think you are is the price they will pay.
In every contest of life, remember the shell must fit the gun.
It Couldn't Be Done
Somebody said that it couldn't be done, But he with a chuckle replied That "maybe it couldn't," but he would be one Who wouldn't say so till he'd tried. So he buckled right in, with a trace of a grin On his face. If he worried he hid it. He started to sing as he tackled the thing That couldn't be done—and he did it.
Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you'll never do that— At least, no one ever has done it"; But he took off his coat, and he took off his hat, And the first thing we knew he'd begun it. With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin, Without any doubting or quiddit, He started to sing as he tackled the thing That couldn't be done—and he did it.
There are thousands who'll tell you it cannot be done, There are thousands who prophecy failure; There are thousands to point out to you, one by one, The dangers that wait to assail you. But just buckle in with a bit of a grin, Then take off your coat and go to it. Just start in to sing as you tackle the thing That "cannot be done"—and you'll do it.
—Edgar A. Guest.
A sea captain was talking about the English admiral, Lord Fisher.
"I once asked Lord Fisher," he said, "what he attributed his rapid rise to.
"'To power of initiative,' Lord Fisher answered promptly.
"'Power of initiative, my lord?' And I scratched my head. 'How would you define power of initiative?"
"'Disobeying orders,' said Lord Fisher."
It has been well said if you are doing anything exceptionally well, "though you build your home in the heart of the forest the world will make a beaten track to your door."
While you are flirting with success And making plans to nab it, Some other chap, who fusses less, May rush right up and grab it.
The two keys to success are luck and pluck—luck in finding some one to pluck.—Life.
"The road to success is apt to be a long, hard one, my boy."
"Are there no short cuts, father?"
"Yes, my son. Our penitentiaries are full of men who took the short cuts."
"How is your little brother, Johnny?"
"Sick abed. He hurt himself."
"That's too bad. How did he do it?"
"We were playing who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won."
See also Determination.
The one who brings candy and eats most of it himself.
The nice beau with the little automobile.
The not-so-nice one with the big automobile.
The handsome suitor who talks about himself.
The man who likes theaters and tea.
The man who would make a better uncle than husband.
The one who means well.
The right man.
"My dear," said the proud father, "I can not understand your objection to young Prudely as a suitor for your hand. I am sure that he is a model young man."
"There is no question about his being a model," replied the bewitching beauty; "but, father, dear, the trouble is that he is a 1912 model."
HER MOTHER—"My daughter sings, plays the piano, paints, understands botany, zoology, French, Italian—in fact is accomplished in every way. And you, sir?"
PROSPECTIVE SON-IN-LAW—"Well, in an emergency I suppose I could cook a little and mend the socks."
"We are taking in boarders this summer."
"Have they found it out yet?"
The solemn Sabbath air was wracked by strident cries from "de gang," engaged in a game of one-eyed cat. Finally the good lady of the house ventured a protest and suggestion.
"Boys," she said, "don't you know that it is Sunday and you mustn't play ball in the front-yard? Go in the back-yard and play, if you must."
"Hey, youse!" yelled the leader to his followers. "Come on in the back-yard. It ain't Sunday there."
Sunday the Thirteenth
Must the new morn Be a Blue morn? Must we backward turn to find The kind of day To while away The stalwart modern mind?
Must the Sun day Be the one day When the sun is banned to all? Must our play day Be a gray day Locked behind a prison wall?
Must the rest day Be a pest day? Must we bore ourselves to death By boding ill From sitting still To curb each merry breath?
Must the feast day Be the least day, Robbed of all the things we'd seek? Must our proud day Be a shroud day With rehearsals once a week?
—Mabel Haughton Collyer.
I have my share of grief and care, Beyond the slightest doubt; I have enough of dreadful stuff Each day to fret about. So when I see prepared for me A line of stuff like this: "The Sabbath gang now want to hang The man who steals a kiss! They'd kill the joy of man and boy, Who'd spend the Sabbath day By motoring where song birds sing, And put all fun away!" I do not fret and get upset, And let that frighten me; Let others storm—that's one reform That's never going to be!
—Edgar A. Guest.
Recent clerical utterances against Sunday amusements raise the question of whether a clergyman, with six days for outdoor recreation, is the one best qualified to pass on a Sabbath schedule of toilers who work from sun to sun six days a week.
LADY (to small boy who is fishing)—"I wonder what your father would say if he caught you fishing on Sunday?"
BOY—"I don't know. You'd better ask him. That's him a little farther up the stream."
FOND MOTHER—"Oh, Reginald! Reginald! I thought I told you not to play with your soldiers on Sunday."
REGINALD—"But I call them the Salvation Army on Sunday."
"Helen, I really cannot permit you to read novels on the Sabbath."
"But, grandma, this one is all right; it tells about a girl who was engaged to three Episcopal clergymen all at once."
Enforcement of the blue laws would make Sunday not a day of resting but of arresting.
When the New York National League ball club was playing in Boston, a local clergyman called at the hotel where the players were stopping one Sunday to congratulate Mathewson on his stand against playing on the Sabbath.
The clerk made a few mysterious inquiries and then said: "Sorry, sir, but Mr. Mathewson is out playing golf."—Everybody's.
"Ef yo' had your choice, Liza, which would yo' rather do—live, or die an' go to heaven?"
"Ah'd rather live."
"Why, Liza White, yo' scan'lous chile! Sunday-school hain't done yo' no good'tall!"—Life.
JIMMIE AND BOBBIE—"Mother I don't mind going to Sunday school any other day, but it just spoils Sunday."
Little Raymond returned home from Sunday school in a very joyous mood. "Oh, mother," he exclaimed as he entered the house, "the superintendent said something awfully nice about me in his prayer this morning!"
"Isn't that lovely! What did he say, pet?" questioned the mother.
"He said, 'O Lord, we thank thee for our food and Raymond.'"
MRS. WIGGS—"Is Billy sick, Mrs. Skinner?"
MRS. SKINNER—"Well, 'e ain't exactly sick, but no stummick can stand thirteen buns! It's an unlucky number."-Puck.
"And you wouldn't begin a journey on Friday?"
"I can't understand how you can have faith in such a silly superstition."
"No superstition about it. Saturday's my pay day."
"Do you think Gladys was surprised when I proposed to her?" inquired the happy youth.
"About as surprised," answered Miss Cayenne, "as a candidate who has received formal notification that he has been nominated."
Boss entering his factory caught two of his employees shooting craps during working hours. "Oh! what is the matter with you?"
"Well boss, I can't help it, you see you got rubber heels."
BEGGAR—"I haven't tasted food for a month."
DYSPEPTIC—"You ain't missing much. It's the same old taste."
Every seat was occupied, when a group of women got in. The conductor noticed a man who he thought was asleep.
"Wake up!" shouted the conductor.
"I wasn't asleep," said the passenger.
"Not asleep! Then what did you have your eyes closed for?"
"It was because of the crowded condition of the car," explained the passenger. "I hate to see the women standing."
TEACHER—"Hawkins, what is a synonym?"
HAWKINS—"Please, sir, it's a word you use in place of another when you cannot spell the other one."
"I must say these are fine biscuits!" exclaimed the young husband.
"How could you say those are fine biscuits?" inquired the young wife's mother, in a private interview.
"I didn't say they were fine. I merely said I must say so."
Johnny liked ice-cream, but he drew the line at turning the freezer. One day when his mother returned home she was agreeably surprized to find him working away at the crank as tho his life depended on it. "I don't see how you got him to turn the freezer," she said to her husband; "I offered him a dime to do it."
"You didn't go at it in the right way, my dear," replied the husband. "I bet him a nickel he couldn't turn it for half an hour."
MRS. X.—"Bothered with time-wasting callers, are you? Why don't you try my plan?"
MRS. Y.—"What is your plan?"
MRS. X.—"Why, when the bell rings, I put on my hat and gloves before I press the button. If it proves to be some one I don't want to see, I simply say 'So sorry, but I'm just going out.'"
MRS. Y.—"But suppose it's some one you want to see?"
MRS. X.—"Oh, then I say, 'So fortunate, I've just come in.'"
WIFE—"But, my dear, you've forgotten again that today is my birthday."
HUSBAND—"Er—listen, love. I know I forgot it, but there isn't a thing about you to remind me that you are a day older than you were a year ago."
Little Charlotte accompanied her mother to the home of an acquaintance, where a dinner-dance was being given. When the dessert-course was reached the little girl was brought down and given a place next to her mother at the table.
The hostess was a woman much given to talking, and, in relating some interesting incidents, quite forgot to give little Charlotte anything to eat.
After some time had elapsed, Charlotte could bear it no longer. With the sobs rising in her throat, she held up her plate as high as she could and said:
"Does anybody want a clean plate?"
A Tommy on furlough entered a jeweler's shop and, placing a much-battered gold watch on the counter, said, "I want this 'ere mended."
After a careful survey the watchmaker said, "I'm afraid, sir, the cost of repairing will be double what you gave for it."
"I don't mind that," said the soldier. "Will you mend it?"
"Yes," said the jeweler, "at the price."
"Well," remarked Tommy, smiling, "I gave a German a punch on the nose for it, and I'm quite ready to give you two if you'll mend it."
An old lady who had been introduced to a doctor who was also a professor in a university, felt somewhat puzzled as to how she would address the great man.
"Shall I call you 'doctor' or 'professor'?" she asked.
"Oh! just as you wish," was the reply; "as a matter of fact, some people call me an old idiot."
"Indeed," she said, sweetly, "but then, they are people that know you."
The hostess had trouble in getting Mr. Harper to sing. After the song had been given, she came up with a smiling face to her guest, and made the ambiguous remark:
"Now, Mr. Harper, you must never tell me again that you can not sing—I know now!"
THE HOST—"It's beginning to rain; you'd better stay to dinner."
THE GUEST—"Oh, thanks very much; but it's not bad enough for that."
Words are like leaves, and where they most abound, Much fruit of sense beneath is rarely found.
"I have just heard of a woman who went to a hotel unaccompanied and discovered that the acoustic properties of her room were such that every time she spoke aloud there was an echo. She then made a bold attempt to get in a last word, and in so doing talked herself to death."
"A whole lot o' de talk dat goes 'round," said Uncle Eben, "ain' no mo' real help in movin' forward dan de squeak in an axle."
The school-teacher had punished Tommy so often for talking during school hours, and the punishment had been apparently without effect, that, as a last resort, she decided to notify Tommy's father of his son's fault. So, following the deportment word in his next report were these words, "Tommy talks a great deal."
In due time the report was returned with these words after the father's signature, "You ought to hear his mother."
If all that we say In a single day, With never a word left out, Were printed each night In clear black and white, 'Twould prove queer reading, no doubt.
And then just suppose Ere one's eyes he could close. He must read the day's record through, Then wouldn't one sigh, And wouldn't he try A great deal less talking to do?
And I more than half think That many a kink Would be smoother in life's tangled thread, If one-half that we say In a single day Were left forever unsaid.
Mrs. Jenkins, a regular visitor in the doctor's consulting room, started on the long story of her troubles. The doctor endured it patiently and gave her another bottle. At last she started out, and the doctor was congratulating himself, when she stopped and exclaimed: "Why, doctor, you didn't look to see if my tongue was coated."
"I know it isn't," wearily replied the medical man. "You don't find grass on a race track."
Another one of our patrons finds her husband a trifle too studious. She called for a volume of Blackstone he had ordered and when she saw the ominous size of the volume sighed deeply, "That means I'll have to go out nights. He says I talk too much!"
See also Wives; Woman.
MR. PECK—"Would you mind compelling me to move on, officer? I've been waiting on this corner three hours for my wife!"—Puck.
"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded the boss angrily.
"It's like this, boss," explained the tardy one, "you kept telling me not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn't watch it at home either."
"This is the fourth morning you've been late, Rufus," said the man to his colored chauffeur.
"Yes, sah," replied Rufus. "I did oversleep myself, sah."
"Where is that clock I gave you?"
"In my room, sah."
"Don't you wind it up?"
"Oh, yes, sah. I winds it up, sah."
"And do you set the alarm?"
"Ev'ry night, sah, I set de alarm, sah."
"But don't you hear the alarm in the morning, Rufus?"
"No, sah, dere's de trouble, sah. Yer see de blame thing goes off while I'm asleep, sah."
Professor Copeland, of Harvard, as the story goes, reproved his students for coming late to class.
"This is a class in English composition," he remarked with sarcasm, "not an afternoon tea."
At the next meeting one girl was twenty minutes late. Professor Copeland waited until she had taken her seat. Then he remarked bitingly:
"How will you have your tea, Miss Brown?"
"Without the lemon, please," Miss Brown answered quite gently.
The most successful statesman is going to be the statesman who can devise a tax nobody will be able to detect.
MACPHERSON (at the box office)—"Will ye kindly return me the amount I paid for amusement tax?"
MACPHERSON—"We wasna amused."
The man who ran the elevator of the sky-scraper was talking to a passenger.
"The judge certainly did soak him," he said. "He sentenced him to three years and ten days. Now I understand the three years all right; but what the ten days were for I'd like to know?"
"That was the war-tax," said a quiet citizen who got abroad at the tenth floor.
MRS. CASEY—"An' phwat are yez doin' wid thot incoom-tax paper, Casey?"
CASEY—"Oi'm thryin' to figger out how much money Oi save by not havin' anny."—Life.
The Tax? No wonder Men abhor it!
You raise a Crop, they fine you for it!
FATHER (meaningly)—"Who is the laziest member of your class, Tommy?"
TOMMY—"I don't know, pa."
FATHER—"I should think you should know. When all the others are industriously studying or writing their lessons, who is it sits idly in his seat and watches the rest, instead of working himself?"
The Literary Digest offers each week a prize of fifty dollars for the best argument in compact form for better salaries for teachers. The editor of The Reporter humbly submits to the editor of The Digest this bit of pathos:
"What shape, madam, was the pocketbook you lost?"
"Flat. I'm a teacher."
The kindergarten had been studying the wind all week—its power, effects, etc.—until the subject had been pretty well exhausted. To stimulate interest, the kindergartner said, in her most enthusiastic manner: "Children, as I came to school today in the trolley-car, the door opened and something came softly in and kissed me on the cheek. What do you think it was?"
And the children joyfully answered, "The conductor!"—Harper's.
"We have just learned of a teacher who started poor twenty years ago and has retired with the comfortable fortune of fifty thousand dollars. This was acquired through industry, economy, conscientious effort, indomitable perseverance, and the death of an uncle who left her an estate valued at $49,999.50."
"Pa," inquired a seven-year-old seeker after the truth, "is it true that school-teachers get paid?"
"Certainly it is," said the father.
"Well, then," said the youth indignantly, "that ain't right. Why should the teachers get paid when us kids do all the work?"
While the school teacher was away at the annual meeting of the state association she sent all of her little pupils a postcard greeting. Little Edgar replied in kind and on his card wrote: "I hope you are enjoying our vacation."
See also Fords.
About the most hopeful element in any human being's character I should reckon to be teachableness.
Wherever you meet a man who knows—and knows he knows—and wards off any proof of reasoning of yours with the impenetrable shield of a superior smile or the dull hostility of a determined eye, you feel that between you and him there can be no real dealings.
The wisest minds I find are the most teachable. The wider one's experience, the more thorough his study, the braver his heart, and the stronger his intelligence, the more willing he is to hear what you or any man may have to offer.
Stubbornness is usually the instinctive self-defense of conscious weakness. When one can do nothing else to show his strength he imitates the mule—the most despised of animals.
Spinoza's maxim was that the two great banes of humanity are self-conceit and the laziness coming from self-conceit.—Dr. Frank Crane.
"Why did you strike the telegraph operator?" asked the magistrate of the man who was summoned for assault.
"Well, sir, I gives him a telegram to send to my gal, and he starts readin' it. So, of course, I ups and gives him one."
"Pap," said the colored youth, "Ah'd like you to expatiate on de way dat de telegraph works."
"Dat's easy 'nuf, Rastus," said the old man. "Hit am like dis. Ef dere was a dawg big 'nuf so his head could be in Bosting an' his tail in New Yo'k, den ef you tromp on his tail in New Yo'k he'd bark in Bosting. Understan', Rastus?"
"Yes, pap! But how am de wireless telegraph?"
For a moment the old man was stumped. Then he answered easily: "Jess prezactly de same, Rastus, wid de exception dat de dawg am 'maginary."
An Irishman and a Scot were arguing as to the merits of their respective countries.
"Ah, weel," said Sandy, "they tore down an auld castle in Scotland and found many wires under it, which shows that the telegraph was knoon there hoondreds o' years ago."
"Well," said Pat, "they tore down an ould castle in Oireland, and there was no wires found undher it, which shows that they knew all about wireless telegraphy in Oireland hundreds av years ago."
Soon after the instalment of the telegraph in Fredericksburg, Virginia, a little darky, the son of my father's mammy, saw a piece of newspaper that had blown up on one of the telegraph wires and caught there. Running to my grandmother in a great state of excitement, he cried, "Miss Liza, come quick! Dem wires done buss and done let all the news out!"
The editor of The Japan Times says the telephone service in Japan is utterly bad. He wonders "what Job would have done had he lived in Tokyo and wanted to telephone to the specialist on boils." He concludes with the following incident: "A lady in Karuiwaza called up her house in Tokyo, left by the next train, got the call, and talked to herself in Karuiwaza six hours after she arrived in Tokyo."
A suburban housewife relates overhearing this conversation between her Cape girl and the one next door:
"How are you, Katje?"
"I'm well; I like my yob. We got cremated cellar, cemetery plumbing, elastic lights and a hoosit."
"What's a 'hoosit,' Katje?"
"Oh, a bell rings. You put a thing to your ear and say 'Hello,' and then some one says 'Hello,' and you say 'Hoosit.'"
"There's a story in this paper of a woman that used a telephone for the first time in eighty-three years."
"She must be on a party line."
The girl at the exchange, after you have waited fully ten minutes:
"They don't answer. What number was it you wanted?"
EXCITABLE PARTY (at telephone)—"Hello? Who is this? Who is this, I say?"
MAN AT OTHER END—"Haven't got time to guess riddles. Tell me yourself who you are."
"I believe," said the impatient man, as he put aside the telephone, "that I'll go fishing."
"Didn't know you cared for fishing."
"I don't ordinarily. But it's the only chance I have of finding myself at the end of a line that isn't busy."
"Has the line been busy?" asked the man with a nickel poised between his thumb and forefinger.
"No," answered the precise operator. "The line wasn't busy. I was."
"What name are you calling?" asked the telephone-girl over the wire.
"McCohan," the customer answered.
"I beg pardon?" asked the girl.
The man repeated it.
The wire was silent for a moment, then the girl said: "Wait a moment, please. I think the wires are crossed."
"I once knew an eccentric man," stated old Festus Pester, "who when he had got the desired number on the telephone did not demand fiercely, 'Whizz ziss?' Instead he invariably said civilly, 'This is John J. Poppendick, wishing to speak to Mr. Buckover.' His funeral was the largest ever held in the neighborhood where he had resided, and thereat strong men broke down and wept like children, being convinced that they would never again see his like."—Judge.
Pat walked into the post-office. After getting into the telephone-box he called a wrong number. As there was no such number, the switch-attendant did not answer him. Pat shouted again, but received no answer.
The lady of the post-office opened the door and told him to shout a little louder, which he did, but still no answer.
Again she said he would have to speak louder.
Pat got angry at this, and turning to the lady said:
"Begorra, if I could shout any louder I wouldn't use your bloomin' ould telephone at all!"
See also Strategy.
Little Molly had been very trying all day. That evening, when her grown-up sister was putting her to bed, she said she hoped the child would be a better girl tomorrow, and not make everybody unhappy with her naughty temper.
Molly listened in silence, thought hard for a few moments, and then said, wisely:
"Yes, when it's me it's temper; when it's you it's nerves."
THE MAN (to a New York waiter)—"—and a glass of good beer!"
THE WAITER—"Sorry, sir. We only serve temperance beverages."
THE MAN—"Why, I got beer in Rhode Island."
THE WAITER—"Maybe you did, sir. But that was only by an act of Providence."
A temperance lecturer was enthusiastically denouncing the use of all intoxicants.
"I wish all the beer, all the wine, all the whiskey in the world was at the bottom of the ocean," he said.
Hastily Pat arose to his feet.
"Sure, and so do I, sor," he shouted. "I wish every bit of it was at the bottom of the sea."
As they were leaving the hall the lecturer encountered Pat.
"I certainly am proud of you," he said. "It was a brave thing for you to rise and say what you did. Are you a teetotaler?"
"No, indade, sor," answered Pat. "I'm a diver."
Mayor Fitzgerald of Boston, at a recent temperance banquet was discussing a drink cure of little efficacy.
"When I think of this cure." he said "I recall a poor old man with a red nose, who entered a magistrate's office and said:
"I'd like to take the pledge if you please."
"Very good," said the polite clerk, "and how long did you wish to take it for?"
"In the past," said the old man, "I've always took it for life."
Most of us keep at least one eye on the temptation we pray not to be led into.
The Ten Commandments seem to be off on a vacation. Or have they gone in search of the Fourteen Points?
Reynold Wolf tells this one of Nora Bayes:
Once Miss Bayes was appearing in a breakfast scene where eggs were being served, and a child sitting in a box made manifest his interest in the food. Stepping down to the footlights she tendered the youngster an egg, but his mother drew back her child with a sign of annoyance.
"You should let the young man take it," said Miss Bayes, quietly. "It is unique for eggs to be passed from this side of the footlights."
A big fat man at the theater sat on his overcoat. Thus the little man behind him could not see at all.
"I can't see anything, mister," said the little man plaintively, touching the big man on the shoulder.
"Can't see anything, hey?"
"No, sir, I can't see a thing."
"Well, then, I'll fix you up. Just keep your eye on me, and laugh when I do."
A vast and determined-looking woman wore a very large hat one evening at the theater.
"Madam," said the attendant politely, "I must request you to remove your hat. It is annoying this gentleman behind you."
The massive lady turned and haughtily surveyed the complainant. "Do you mean that little weedy, undersized creature?" she asked.
"This gentleman behind you," the attendant corrected her.
The lady settled herself down in her place. "You will find it easier and pleasanter," she said, decisively, "to remove him!"
A Clergyman once wrote to Edwin Booth, the famous tragedian, asking if he might be admitted to Booth's theater by a private door, because, though he very much wished to see Booth act, he didn't like the idea of being seen entering a theater. Booth wrote back, "Sir, there is no door into my theater through which God can not see."
AUNT MARY (visiting in the city)—"I want to hear at least one of your famous grand-opera singers and then see some of your leading actors."
NEPHEW (to office boy)—"Jimmy, get us some tickets for the vaudeville and movies."—Life.
Hotel men cannot be niggardly. They must not imitate old Cornelius Husk. Old Corn Husk, you know, saw his boy the other day carrying the thermometer from the kitchen out into the yard.
"Watcha doin' wi' thet thar thermometer, boy?" he asked.
"I wanter git the difference in temperacher, pop, betwixt inside and outside," the son answered.
"Wall, quit it," snapped old Corn Husk, "Keepin' the mercury runnin' up and down the tube like that, fust thing ye know the durn thing'll be worn out, and long'll go twenty-five cents for another thermometer."
He was a very small boy, and the apples he was eyeing were very large. He eyed them for ten minutes, longingly and furtively, while the greengrocer bustled about serving customers. Now he edged near the tempting basket. Now he edged away again. And at last the greengrocer thought it time to intervene.
"Now then, Tommy," he exclaimed, "what are you doing?"
"Nothin'," replied the small boy.
"Nothin', eh?" said the greengrocer. "Well, it looks to me as though you are trying to steal those apples."
"You're wrong!" retorted the nipper, "I'm trying not to."
A carpenter, sent to make some repairs in a private house entered the apartment of the lady of the house with his apprentice and began to work.
"Mary," the lady said to her maid, "see that my jewel-case is locked up at once!"
The carpenter understood. He removed his watch and chain from his vest in a significant manner and handed them to his apprentice.
"John," said he, "take these right back to the shop. It seems that this house isn't safe."—Harper's.
In the office of the prison warden at Canon City, Colorado, a clever and notorious swindler was being divested of the contents of his pockets. As each article was removed, it was carefully examined, listed and then placed temporarily on a nearby desk. Among the articles was a badly tarnished silver dollar, barely distinguishable as money.
At the conclusion of the search, the prisoner pointed to the dull-looking coin and in a suppliant tone asked the warden:
"Would you mind letting me keep that with me?"
"Why?" asked the warden.
"Oh, just a little sentiment, I suppose," the prisoner explained. "You know, it's the first dollar I ever stole."
See also Chicken stealing; Lawyers.
Mr. Benson went to New York to business, but lived in Brooklyn. Often he was not able to get home in time for dinner at night. He told his wife that he would phone her every day as to whether he could leave the office or not.
Mrs. Benson was of a very thrifty disposition, and the following was her solution of the problem: "Sam, if you find that you can't be home for dinner, phone me at exactly six o'clock. If the telephone rings at that hour, I'll know it is you and that you are not coming for dinner. I won't answer it, and you'll get your nickel back."
Saving is a habit; extravagance, an art.
Secretary of War Baker tells a story of a country youth who was driving to the county fair with his sweetheart when they passed a booth where fresh popcorn was for sale.
"My! Abner, ain't that nice?" said the girl.
"Ain't what nice?" asked Abner.
"Why, the popcorn; it smells so awfully good," replied the girl.
"It does smell kind o' fine," drawled the youth. "I'll jest drive a little closer so you can get a better smell."
BUTTONS—"Get up! Get up! The hotel's afire!"
SCOTTISH GENTLEMAN—"Richt, laddie; but if I do, mind ye, I'll no pay for the bed."
SETTLEMENT WORKER (visiting tenements)—"And your father is working now and getting two pounds a week? That's splendid! And how much does he put away every Saturday night, my dear?"
LITTLE GIRL—"Never less than three quarts, ma'am!"
HE—"I am a poor man, you know."
SHE—"When we are married I can learn to cook, dear."
HE—"Hadn't you better practise while your father is supplying the raw materials?"
See also Economy; Scotch, The.
The destroyer Sharkey, which arrived in New York Harbor some days ago, dropped anchor near the Statue of Liberty on the starboard side, but during the night the tide shifted it about to the portside.
This transformation was most perplexing to a rookie gob, who finally confided his problem to a C.P.O.
"Well, you see, it's like this," the oldtimer informed him, "New York and Brooklyn both claim the statue, so to stop the argument the Government lets New York have it one day and then moves it over to the Brooklyn side the next."
I am content with Now, whate'er befall, Whether I will or no, Today is all; No matter whether swift or slow my tread I find tomorrow still a day ahead; I cannot overtake eternity— It turns to time and slips away from me, And in like wise I go upon my way Only a day ahead of yesterday!
One Hoyt was fishing from the banks of a stream when there approached him an individual named Gates, who remarked, with a yawn: "Time ain't very valuable to you, brother, that's plain. Here I been a-watchin' you three hours and you ain't had a bite."
"Well," drawled the fisherman, "my time's too valuable, anyhow, to waste three hours of it watchin' a feller fish that ain't gettin' a bite."
Uncle Lige bought a clock, so tall that it was almost impossible to get it into the house. The old man was extremely proud of it, and found it very good company. He would lie awake nights to hear it tick. One night the clock got out of order, and began to strike.
The old man awoke and counted one hundred and two. He promptly sat up in bed, and calling to his wife said, "Cynthy, get up, get up. It's later than I've ever knowed it to be."
PROF (in geology)—"The geologist thinks nothing of a thousand years."
SOPH—"Great guns! And I loaned a geologist ten dollars yesterday!"
"Paw, what's the longest period of time?"
"From one pay-day to the next."
CALLER—"Is your mother at home, Elsie?"
CHILD OF BUSY WAR WORKER—"Goodness, no! She won't be at home today until about Saturday. Why, she hasn't got home yesterday yet."—Life.
FIRST LOAFER—"I 'ear all the men 'ave gone on strike."
SECOND LOAFER—"Wat 'ave they struck for?"
FIRST LOAFER—"Shorter hours."
SECOND LOAFER—"I always said as 'ow sixty minutes was too long for an hour."
"Time is precious," said the parson.
"It is, indeed," rejoined the business man, "and I've wasted an awful lot of it."
"By indulging in foolish pleasures, I suppose?" suggested the good man.
"Not exactly," replied the other. "I wasted most of it by being punctual in keeping my appointments with others."
See also Daylight saving.
The sailor had been showing the lady visitor over the ship. In thanking him she said:
"I see that by the rules of your ship tips are forbidden."
"Lor' bless yer 'eart, ma'am," replied Jack, "so were the apples in the Garden of Eden."
Tipping is said to be due to public weakness and it is also due to the desire to have luncheon served in time for dinner.
LUNCHER—"Look here, waiter, I'm very sorry, but I've only just sufficient money with me to pay the bill, and nothing left for a tip for you."
WAITER (confidently)—"Would you mind just letting me 'ave another look at the bill, sir?"
He was dining alone and had much time to puzzle over an unusual phenomenon he had noted.
"Why is it, Sam," he said, addressing the waiter, "that poor men usually give larger tips than rich men?"
"Well, suh," rejoined the woolly-headed knight of the napkins meditatively, "looks to me like de po' man don't want nobody to find out he's po' an' de rich man don't want nobody to find out he's rich."
"What's the difference between valor and discretion?"
"Well, to go to a swell restaurant without tipping the waiter would be valor."
"I see. And discretion?"
"That would be to dine at a different restaurant the next day."
TOURISTS See Travelers.
When they beat their swords into plowshares, the next move is to beat their competitors into foreign markets.
Most of the wrinkles in a business man's face are trademarks.
TEACHER—"If a man gets four dollars for working eight hours a day, what would he get if he worked ten hours a day?"
JOHNNY—"Ten hours a day? He'd get a call-down from de union."
"What are you doin' of, James?"
"Sharpenin' a bit o' pencil."
"You'll 'ave the Union after you, me lad. That's a carpenter's job,"
TRAMP—"Madam, I was at the front—"
KIND-HEARTED LADY—"My poor man. Another victim of that terrible war. Here's a dollar. Tell me how you got into these straits."
TRAMP-"I was going to say that I was at the front door an' nobody answered, so I came around to the back. Thankee, mum."
MRS. SUBBUBS (to tramp)—"Out of work, are you? Then you're just in time. I've a cord of wood to be cut up and I was just going to send for a man to do it."
TRAMP—"That so, mum? Where does he live? I'll go and get him."
BOXCAR HARRY—"Beg pardon, ma'am, but do you happen to have some pie or cake that you could spare an unfortunate wanderer?"
LADY OF THE HOUSE—"No, I'm afraid not. Wouldn't some bread and butter do?"
BOXCAR HARRY—"As a general rule it would, ma'am; but, you see, this is my birthday."
A party of tourists were going through a small town, having the time of their lives, laughing and joking. One of them thought she would have some fun, and called to a little girl standing near, "Are there any shows in town?" To which the little girl answered, "Only the one you people are making."
The value of travel oftentimes depends upon who travels.
Mrs. Williams, who had recently returned from abroad, was attending an afternoon tea given in her honor.
"And did you actually go to Rome?" asked the hostess.
"I really don't know, my dear," replied Mrs. Williams. "You see, my husband always bought the tickets."
See also Americans; Destination.
I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest Against the earth's most flowing breast.
A tree that looks at God all day And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain; Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me, But only God can make a tree.
CHEERFUL ONE (to newcomer, on being asked what the trenches are like)—"If yer stands up yer get sniped; if yer keeps down yer gets drowned; if yer moves about yer gets shelled; and if yer stands still yer gets court-martialed for frost-bite."—Punch.
The cheery caller tried to persuade old Aunt Martha not to dwell upon her troubles, telling her she would feel happier if she ignored them. "Well, honey," said the old lady, "I dunno 'bout dat. I allus 'lowed when de Lord send me tribulation he done spec' me to tribulate."
Many truths expressed are never claimed at their destination.
Truth is elastic. Don't stretch it unless you want it to fly back and sting you.
FIRST STUDENT (wearily)—"I suppose I'll be up all night tonight; I have to make out my expense account."
SECOND (more hopefully)—"Why don't you tell the truth and get a good night's rest?"
The two village trouble-makers had gotten into a row and the matter was up in court. Uncle Wash, an old gentleman of color, was a witness.
"Now, uncle," said the lawyer, "tell me just what conversation occurred."
"I kain't jes' remember it all," replied the candid Wash, "excep' dat each one was callin' de other what dey is."
"Truth crushed to earth will rise again" said the hopeful person.
"Yes," replied the cynic; "but it's liable to have to go with a crutch for some time after."
"It says here that a Missouri man boasts that he has an umbrella that has been in his possession for twenty years," said Smith.
"Well," replied Jones, "that's long enough. He ought to return it."
FIRST ARTIST—"The umbrella you lent me? I have lent it to a friend."
SECOND ARTIST—"That is very awkward. The man who lent it to my friend tells him that the owner wants it."
"Little girl, why aren't you provided with an umbrella?" "Because father hasn't been to church this year."—Puck.
"Young man," said the fond father, "in giving you my daughter, I have entrusted you with the dearest treasure of my life."
The young man was duly impressed and made no endeavor to conceal his emotion and his gratitude. Then, during the few moments of impressive silence that followed, he heard the patter, patter of rain against the window.
"Goodness me!" he exclaimed, "it's raining and I haven't my umbrella! May I borrow yours, sir, to keep me dry while I run to the station?"
"Young man," said the fond parent, "I do not trust anyone with my umbrella!"
"It is the unexpected that always happens," observed the Sage.
"Well," commented the Fool, "if this is true, why don't we learn to expect it?"
After the janitor had tacked a new map on the wall, Umson said to Amley:
"By golly, the United States is getting to be a great place, ain't it?"
"Yes," said Amley, "if it gets to be much bigger I'll have to move my desk."
Our unfortunate experience is that a day off is generally followed by an off day.
A vocation is something you do for a living, an avocation something you do for a while, a vacation something you couldn't stick at very long without being dead broke and dead tired.
COS COB CON—"Ah, wot a relief! Now I kin stop worrying about where I'm going ter spend de summer."
There, little dollar, don't you cry; You may buy something by and by.
A Pennsylvania farmer was the owner of a good Alderney cow. A stranger, having admired the animal, asked the farmer: "What will you take for your cow?"
The farmer scratched his head for a moment, and then said: "Look a-here, be you the tax assessor or has she been killed by the railroad?"
CALLER—"It's a good thing to teach your boy the value of money, as you are doing."
HOST—"Well, I don't know. He used to behave for ten cents, but now he demands a quarter."
FOOTPAD—"Your money or your life!"
MRS. TIGHTLY—"That's reasonable enough, Jake! You've got only 50 cents."
Little Beryl, aged ten, was a very pretty and intelligent girl, but she had one fault—she was inclined to be vain. At every available opportunity she gazed at herself complacently in the looking-glass. Her fond papa noticed that the habit was growing upon her and took upon himself the duty of correcting it.
"Why do you always look in the glass?" he asked.
"I was just thinking how nice I looked," answered Beryl.
"You mustn't be so vain, child. Remember we are all as nature made us."
"Did nature make you, papa?"
"Then," said Beryl, looking at him and then at her reflection in the mirror, "don't you think nature is turning out better work than she used to?"
"Ever bothered with tramps out your way?"
"No; I have a sign on the gate reading: 'We are vegetarians, but our dog isn't.'"
Ordering a copy of Tennyson's poems, a customer wrote to an English bookseller, "Please do not send me one bound in calf, as I am a vegetarian."
Mother gave the children an apple each. In little Marion's there was a worm hole that obviously had a tenant. "You take this one, Tommy," she said; "I'se a vegetarian."
American people have a very high appreciation of the humor of Englishmen, and have been specially tickled by a story Colonel Cody used to tell. He said that some years ago an Englishman who had never been in the West before was his guest. They were riding through a Rocky-Mountain canon one day, when suddenly a tremendous gust of wind came swooping down upon them and actually carried the Englishman clean off the wagon-seat. After he had been picked up, he combed the sand and gravel out of his whiskers and said:
"I say! I think you overdo ventilation in this country!"
The street-car conductor examined the transfer thoughtfully and said meekly, "This here transfer expired an hour ago, lady." The lady, digging into her purse after a coin, replied, "No wonder, with not a single ventilator open in the whole car!"
Speech was given to man to disguise his thoughts.—Talleyrand.
PAT—"Sure, I voted th' Raypublican ticket!"
MIKE—"Would ye trust such a party as thot?"
PAT—"They didn't ask me to—they paid me cash."
In St. Louis there is one ward that is full of breweries. In a recent election the local option question was up. After the election the clerks were counting the votes. One was calling off and another taking down the option votes. The first clerk, running rapidly through the ballots, said: "Wet, wet, wet, wet." Suddenly he stopped. "Mein Gott!" he cried. "Dry!" Then he went on: "Wet, wet, wet, wet." Presently he stopped again and mopped his brow. "Himmel!" he said. "The son-of-a-gun repeated."
DORA-"How did you vote?"
FLORA-"In my brown suit and squirrel toque."
"I do hope that when I am able to vote," said the pretty young wife, "I will be as influential in politics as my husband."
"How is that?" asked her friend.
"Why, he has voted in two Presidential elections, and both times his choice was elected."
The hours you spend with me, dear "Mon," Are very few, it seems to me; I count you over, every dime apart, MY SALARY. My salary!
Ten cents a dime, ten dimes a "plunk." To earn them is an awful grind; I count each dime unto the end, and there— A "dun" I find.
Oh toil, that is so poorly paid! Oh salary, spent before we greet! I kiss each dime, and try to find a way To make ends meet— Ye gods! To make ends meet!
—Anne Alfreda Mellish.
Sign on butcher shop reads, "Tongue 48 cents, Brains 33 cents." Some one remarks that this proportion of payment is quite often the case.
A downtown merchant, while engaged in the office the other morning, discovered that he had left his pocket knife at home and, as he needed one urgently, he asked the different clerks, but none of them happened to have one. Finally the errand boy hustled in and the merchant called him, asking if he was able to produce the desired article. Jimmy handed over his "pigsticker."
"How is it, Jimmy, that you alone out of my entire staff seem to have a pocketknife with you?" smiled the proprietor, eyeing Jimmy with undisguised admiration.
"Dunno, sir," replied the youth, "unless it's because my wages are so low that I can't afford more'n one pair of pants."
FIRST LABORING MAN—"Wot's a minimum wage, Albert?"
SECOND DITTO—"Wot yer gets for goin' to yer work. If yer wants ter make a bit more yer does a bit o' work for it."—Punch.
The workman was busily employed by the roadside, and the wayfarer paused to inquire, "What are you digging for?" The workman looked up.
"Money,"' he replied.
"Money! And when do you expect to strike it, my good man?"
"On Saturday!" replied the other, and resumed operations.
Some nations were fighting fiercely.
"Why are you fighting so?" inquired the bystanders, moved at length to curiosity.
"To save civilization!" replied the nations severally.
Here a draggled figure rose from the mire under the feet of the combatants and limped lamely away.
"And who are you?" asked the bystanders, with a disposition to get to the bottom of the matter.
"Don't speak to me—I'm civilization!" the figure made answer, somewhat pettishly.
"What if we loses this blinkin' war after all, Bill?"
"Well, all I can say is—them what finds it is quite welcome to keep it."
If we must have wars, let's adopt the pay-as-you-enter plan.
The war left the world so flat that Voliva may be excused for denying that it is round.
VISITOR—"It's a terrible war, this, young man—a terrible war."
MIKE (badly wounded)—"'Tis that, sor—a tirrible warr. But 'tis better than no warr at all."—Punch.
See also European War.
BENNETT—"My, Storer must be rich."
BENNETT—"He was cleaning his mother's windows with gold dust in the water."
A Salina man tells this as happening to him. Early in the morning one winter's day, came a wire from a friend in Chicago: "How's the weather today out there?"
"The sun is shining," the Salina man wired.
An hour later friend wired again: "Could not interpret message. Did you say sun was or was not shining?"
And the Salina man, looking out of the window, sent this: "Snowing to beat the band now."
And came another wire in mid-afternoon: "How much snow there now?"
To which the Salina man replied: "Bright sun out, has melted all the snow away again."
November days are here again With chilly eve and morn— Dame Nature's voice in warning raised That Winter's blasts are born.
But ere the snow its cov'ring spreads And Earth to sleep beguiles, Old Summer lifts her sun-lit face, Looks back at us and smiles.
One broiling August day an aged "cullud gemman," who was pushing a barrow of bricks, paused to dash the sweat from his dusky brow; then, shaking his fist at the sun, he apostrophized it thus:
"Fo' the Lawd's sake, war wuz yuh last Janooary?"
"Have you been touching the barometer, Jane?"
"Yes'm. It's my night out, so I set it for 'fine'."
What is it moulds the life of man? The Weather! What makes some black and others tan? The Weather! What makes the Zulu live in trees, And Congo natives dress in leaves, While others go in fur and freeze? The Weather!
What makes the summer warm and fair? The Weather! What causes winter underwear? The Weather! What makes us rush and build a fire, And shiver near the glowing pyre— And then on other days perspire? The Weather!
What makes the Cost of Living high? The Weather! What makes the Libyan Desert dry? The Weather! What is it men in ev'ry clime, Will talk about till end of time? What drove our honest pen to rhyme? The Weather!
Kansas—When the sun sets in the West at night the wind will blow for three days.
I remember, I remember, Ere my childhood flitted by, It was cold then in December, And was warmer in July. In the winter there were freezings— In the summer there were thaws; But the weather isn't now at all Like what it used to was!
Gr-rr-r-h! The train drew up with a mighty crash and shock between stations.
"Is it an accident? What happened?" inquired a worried-looking individual of the conductor.
"Some one pulled the bell-cord!" shouted the conductor. "The express knocked our last car off the track! Take us four hours before the track is clear!"
"Great Scott! Four hours! I am supposed to be married to-day!" groaned the passenger.
The conductor, a bigoted bachelor, raised his eyebrows suspiciously.
"Look here!" he demanded. "I suppose you ain't the chap that pulled the cord?"
Tony, the office-janitor, had been working faithfully at his job for several years, when he surprised his employer one day by asking for a vacation.
"We can't get along very well without you," said the boss. "You don't need a vacation. You'll only blow in your money and come back broke."
"I like to have vacation," persisted Tony. "I get married, and I kinda like to be there."
Admittedly this may be an old story, but it has the distinction of possessing a new twist at the end.
A person died. He willed all his earthly possessions to be divided among an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman. But the will was conditional; each of the legatees was to place five pounds in the testator's coffin. On the day appointed (by Fate) the Englishman placed a five-pound note, as willed; the Irishman collected a number of coins somehow—shillings, sixpences and coppers—and made up his contribution of five pounds, which he placed on the Englishman's fiver. The Scotchman then made out a cheque for fifteen pounds and, pocketing the ten pounds already deposited, threw in his cheque with the remark, "That's easier."
A month later, when the Scotchman perused his pass-book, he was surprised to find that his cheque had been cashed.
The undertaker was a Welshman.
It is a platitude that different people get peculiarly different impressions from viewing the same sights. A Suffolk girl, who had been staying in London for a short holiday, was asked on her return if she had been in Westminster Abbey. "Yes," she replied, "I went in and sat down, but I didn't stay long, as I prefer open-air cemeteries."
A Rhondda man went into a public-house and called for a glass of whisky and water. Having tasted it, he exclaimed:
"Which did you put in first, the whisky or the water?"
"The whisky, of course," the publican replied.
"Ah, well," said the Rhondda man, "perhaps I'll come to it by and by."
See also Drinking.
"If you want to be really popular with men," says Mr. Arthur Pendenys, "become a widow." This of course, may be all right, but few husbands can really learn to love a wife who makes a practise of this sort of thing.—Punch.
Dinah's husband had just been killed on the Railroad while discharging his duties as a brakeman. An agent of the road promptly settled her claim by the payment of a thousand dollars. Her friends consoled her with the thought that with so much money she would be the most sought after woman in Darktown. She stoutly maintained that she would not marry again and that she "had no plans" but finally said between her sobs "But if ah evah do marry I shuah am gwine to marry a railroad man."
Without windows there would be no fresh-air fiends. A single window may make or mar a whole household. Used occasionally by burglars, small boys and lovers, the singular power of the window to control our destiny has not hitherto been recognized. Without windows there would be no ghost stories, for how could the rain beat on the pane, or the wind come in short gusts through the cracks? Neither would there be melodrama, for how could the heroine crouch on the floor if there were no sudden flashes of lighting or falling snow to gaze at through the window? What poems have been written by just looking through a window; and as for literature in general, who does not remember the window in Thrums? The first thing we look at upon entering a room is the windows. At night the window is the last thing we adjust, and in the morning the first we gaze out of. The first window was the beginning of civilization. Consider the window of a cell, how symbolic it is of a dwarfed and misdirected life. The composite health of any community can almost be predicated upon the number of its windows that are kept open at night.
Then there are the windows of the soul, without which no best seller would be worth the price of admission.
"Father, have you cut all four of your wisdom teeth?"
"Yes, son. I have purchased a used car, accepted a nomination, been chairman of a local reception committee, and married your mother."
True wisdom laboring to expound, Heareth others readily; Fake wisdom, sturdy to deny, closeth Up her mind to argument.
MABEL—"Oh, but I wish I had a nice big car, with blue plush upholstering and all the modern appliances."
ALICE—"You'd take me out with you, if you had, wouldn't you?"
"Well, why not?"
"Why, you're perfectly capable of doing your own wishing, aren't you?"
HE—"But, Alice, you don't want that!"
SHE—"How will I know until I get it?"
The day was drawing to a close. Judge, jurors, witnesses, and lawyers all were growing weary. Counsel for the prosecution was cross-examining the defendant.
"Exactly how far is it between the two towns?" he asked at length.
For some time Paddy stood thinking, then, "About four miles as the cry flows," came the answer.
"You mean 'as the flow cries!'" corrected the man of law.
The judge leaned forward. "No," he remarked suavely, "he means 'as the fly crows.'"
And they all looked at one another, feeling that something was wrong somewhere.
A lawyer was examining a Scottish farmer. "You'll affirm that when this happened you were going home to a meal. Let us be quite certain on this point, because it is a very important one. Be good enough to tell me, sir, with as little prevarication as possible, what meal it was you were going home to."
"You would like to know what meal it was?" said the Scotsman.
"Yes, sir; I should like to know," replied the counsel, sternly and impressively. "Be sure you tell the truth."
"Well, then, it was just oatmeal."
A boy of eight entered the witness-box in tremendous boots, long trousers rolled up so that the baggy knees were at the ankles, and a swallow-tail coat that swept the floor.
"Why are you dressed like that?" asked the judge, both amazed and amused.
The boy took from his pocket the summons and pointed solemnly to the words: "To appear in his father's suit."
The prosecuting attorney had encountered a somewhat difficult witness. Finally he asked the man if he was acquainted with any of the men on the jury.
"Yes, sir," announced the witness, "more than half of them."
"Are you willing to swear that you know more than half of them?" demanded the lawyer.
"Why, if it comes to that, I'm willing to swear that I know more than all of them put together."
"Do you understand what you are to swear to?" asked the court as a not over-intelligent looking negro took the witness stand.
"Yes, sah, Ah does. Ah'm to sweah to tell de truf."
"Yes," said the Judge; "and what will happen if you do not tell the truth?"
"Well, sah," was the hesitating answer, "Ah expects ouah side'll win de case, sah."
PRISON VISITOR—"What terrible crime has this man committed?"
JAILER—"He has done nothing. He merely happened to be passing when Tough Jim tried to kill a man, and he is held as a witness."
"Where is Tough Jim?"
"He is out on bail."
"Are you the captain of your soul?"
"Sort of a second lieutenant," ventured Mr. Henpeck dubiously.
"Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life, There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake. It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife." "Why, so it is, father,—whose wife shall I take?"
The younger man had been complaining that he could not get his wife to mend his clothes.
"I asked her to sew a button on this vest last night and she hasn't touched it," he said. At this the older man assumed the air of a patriarch.
"Never ask a woman to mend anything," he said. "You haven't been married very long and I think I can give you some serviceable suggestions. When I want a shirt mended I take it to my wife and flourish it around a little and say, 'Where's that rag-bag?'
"'What do you want of the rag-bag?' asks the wife. Her suspicions are aroused at once.
"'I want to throw this shirt away. It's worn out,' I say, with a few more flourishes.
"'Let me see that shirt,' my wife says, then, 'Now, John, hand it to me at once.'
"Of course, I pass it over and she examines it.
"'Why, it only needs—'; and then she mends it."
"Why are you so pensive?" he asked.
"I'm not pensive," she replied.
"But you haven't said a word for twenty minutes."
"Well, I didn't have anything to say."
"Don't you ever say anything when you have nothing to say?"
"Will you be my wife?"
"What's Blinks going to do with his new noiseless typewriter?"
"If he takes my advice he'll marry her."—Life.
MRS. KNAGG—"Did the doctor ask to see your tongue?"
HUSBAND—"No; I told him about yours and he ordered me away for a rest."
"This is a very sad case, very sad indeed," said the doctor. "I much regret to tell you that your wife's mind is gone—completely gone."
"I am not a bit surprised" answered the husband. "She has been giving me a piece of it every day for the last fifteen years."
A sheik was speaking to a crowd of men in a mosque and said, "All of you who are afraid of your wives stand up." All stood up except one man. Afterwards the sheik went to this man and said, "Evidently you are not afraid of your wife." The man responded: "She gave me such a beating this morning that I was too lame to stand up."
A well-to-do Scottish woman one day said to her gardener:
"Man Tammas, I wonder you don't get married. You've a nice house, and all you want to complete it is a wife. You know the first gardener that ever lived had a wife."
"Quite right, missus, quite right," said Thomas, "but he didna keep his job long after he gat the wife."
CREWE—"Good heavens, how it rains! I feel awfully anxious about my wife. She's gone out without an umbrella."
DREW—"Oh, she'll be all right. She'll take shelter in some shop."
CREWE—"Exactly. That's what makes me so anxious."
Mrs. Clarke came running hurriedly into her husband's office one morning.
"Oh, Dick," she cried, as she gasped for breath. "I dropped my diamond ring off my finger, and I can't find it anywhere."
"It's all right, Bess," replied Mr. Clarke. "I came across it in my trousers pocket."
And Then Some
MAN expects his wife to be: Perpetuator of the Race. Domestic Science Expert. Trained Kindergartner. Social Diplomat. Purchasing Agent. Superintendent of Operating. Accountant. Social Secretary. General Counsel. Manager Lost and Found Department. Advertising Agent. Intelligence Bureau. Family Statistician. Mistress of the Exchequer. Playground Supervisor. Judge of Juvenile Court. Valet. Nurse. Employer of Labor. Artist in the Art of Living. WOMAN is seeking an even larger sphere.
MRS. A.—"Does your husband consider you a necessity or a luxury?"
MRS. B.—"It depends, my dear, on whether I am cooking his dinner or asking for a new dress."
There are certain family privileges which we all guard jealously:
An attorney was consulted by a woman desirous of bringing action against her husband for a divorce. She related a harrowing tale of the ill-treatment she had received at his hands. So impressive was her recital that the lawyer, for a moment, was startled out of his usual professional composure. "From what you say this man must be a brute of the worst type," he exclaimed.
The applicant for divorce arose and, with severe dignity, announced: "Sir, I shall consult another lawyer. I came here to get advice as to a divorce, not to hear my husband abused!"
See also Domestic finance; Marriage; Woman
The reason we never hear of a self-made woman is because she changes the plans so frequently that the job is never finished.
If They Meant All They Said
Charm is a woman's strongest arm; My charwoman is full of charm; I chose her, not for strength of arm But for her strange, elusive charm.
And how tears heighten woman's powers! My typist weeps for hours and hours: I took her for her weeping powers— They so delight my business hours.
A woman lives by intuition. Though my accountant shuns addition She has the rarest intuition. (And I myself can do addition.)
Timidity in girls is nice. My cook is so afraid of mice. Now you'll admit it's very nice To feel your cook's afraid of mice.
"De little girl," said Uncle Eben, "dat's allus takin' her dolly and dishes an' sayin' she won't play, grows up to be de lady dat says unless she's de chairman dar ain' g'ineter be no meetin'."
"Brown acknowledges that he knows nothing about women."
"What an immense experience with them he must have had."
"Does your wife neglect her home in making speeches?"
"Not a bit of it," replied Mr. Meekton. "She always lets me hear the speeches first."
A lady was sitting in the garden with the family stocking basket beside her, and was examining the holes in her little boy's socks, when the old gardener came by with his wheelbarrow. "What beats me," he remarked, "is you ladies. Always lookin' for what you don't want to find!"
"Hello! Is this a party wire?"
"My dear sir, it's worse. It's a woman's party wire."
A red-haired, freckle-faced boy of fourteen, weighed down with the responsibility of his first essay, walked into a city library the other day. He approached the reference librarian rather timidly, standing on one foot, then on the other, and finally said:
"Say, boss, I've gotta write an essay on 'Woman.' Where'll I begin?"
"I was outspoken in my sentiments at the club today," said Mrs. Garrulous to her husband the other evening. With a look of astonishment he replied:
"I can't believe it, my dear. Who outspoke you?"
A party of Americans were dining in Paris with Premier Clemenceau, when one of the Americans was heard to say: "I'll bet she will—"
"I wouldn't do that," interposed Clemenceau—"bet on anything that she will do. You can never tell what a woman will do."
"Ah," said the American, "but you interrupted me too soon, monsieur. I was going to say that I would bet that she would do the unexpected."
"Ah, but don't do that, either," cautioned Clemenceau. "Even that is not a safe bet."
The most consoling thing about going to the cinemas is seeing so many women in the pictures opening their mouths and not saying a word you can hear.
When lovely woman wants a favor, And finds, too late, that man won't bend, What earthly circumstance can save her From disappointment in the end?
The only way to bring him over, The last experiment to try, Whether a husband or a lover, If he have feeling is—to cry.
During the flu epidemic in San Francisco, when all public meeting-places were closed, and the entire population was compelled to wear masks to prevent the spread of the disease, a drunken man was overheard muttering:
"Well, I'm an old man, but I have lived my time and am ready to quit. I have lived to see four great things come to pass—the end of the war, the churches closed, saloons left open, and the women muzzled."—Judge.
A crabbed old misogynist said to Ethel Barrymore at a dinner in Bar Harbor:
"Woman! Feminism! Suffrage! Bah! Why, there isn't a woman alive who wouldn't rather be beautiful than intelligent."
"That's because," said Miss Barrymore calmly, "so many men are stupid while so few are blind."
HE—"When I proposed to Flossie she asked me for a little time to make up her mind."
SHE (the hated rival)—"Oh! So she makes that up too, does she?"
Woman is certainly coming into her own. Even in tender romance she is exerting an influence.
The young man had just been accepted. In his rapture he exclaimed, "But do you think, my love, I am good enough for you?"
His strong-minded fiancee looked sternly at him for a moment and replied, "Good enough for me? You've got to be!"—Judge.
ONE—"Yes, in a battle of tongues a woman can always hold her own."
THE OTHER—"Perhaps she can. But why doesn't she?"
Young Arthur was wrestling with a lesson in grammar. "Father," said he, thoughtfully, "what part of speech is woman?"
"Woman, my boy, is not part of speech; she is all of it," returned father.
During the recess period several teachers became engaged in a heated argument over that old theme, "Man versus Woman."
"Well, anyway," concluded the dyspeptic male teacher of Latin, "women are more finicky than men."
"Recite an instance, please," put in the dainty little teacher of domestic science.
"If a woman loses a stitch, she'll unravel a ball of yarn trying to find it."
"That's nothing, compared with what a man will do," she came back quickly. "If a man loses a quarter in a card game, he'll spend $10 trying to win it back."
Woman—A Mistress of Arts, who robs a bachelor of his degree, and forces him to study philosophy by means of curtain lectures.
See also Age; Clothing; Epitaphs; Fashion; Talkers; Wives; Woman suffrage; Worry.
"It seems so silly to me," she said scornfully, as she threw down the newspaper after a casual glance at the headlines.
"What seems silly?"
"All this talk about candidates for the presidency. There can't but one be elected, can there?"
"Of course not."
"Well, why should a dozen or so be trying for it? Why doesn't just the man who is going to be elected be a candidate, and all the rest go on about their business, as all this talk and running around isn't going to do them any good after all?"
"That young politician is paying you marked attention, girlie."
"Um, yes. Another problem added to our girlish troubles."
"Is he after me or my vote?"
WARD HEELER—"Are women trying to reform politics?"
DISTRICT LEADER—"Reform nothing! They've started in to grab the jobs."
FIRST LADY—"Did you vote with all those vile people?"
SECOND LADY—"I certainly did. I was curious to know how it felt."
"Wimmin voters this year."
"Yes, and these short skirts make a lot of wimmen look like little girls."
"That's right. You gotta be careful who you try to pat on the head."
"Well, Maria," said Jiggles after the Town Election, "for whom did you vote this morning?"
"I crossed off the names of all the candidates," returned Mrs. Jiggles, "and wrote out my principles on the back of my ballot. This is no time to consider individuals and their little personal ambitions."
There are compensations in all things. When women get the suffrage they won't want to be moving all the time, for fear of losing their votes.—Puck.
"What are your reasons for wanting a divorce, madam?" inquired the judge.
"Failure to support."
"But you live in apparent luxury."
"He failed to support me for a nomination that I wanted."
"Another of our masculine pleasures is about to become a thing of the past, thanks to woman suffrage."
"What do you have reference to?"
"Taking the straw vote. Who would venture to predict a woman's ballot twenty-four hours before election?"
Why We Oppose Pockets For Women
1. Because pockets are not a natural right.
2. Because the great majority of women do not want pockets. If they did, they would have them.
3. Because whenever women have had pockets they have not used them.
4. Because women are expected to carry enough things as it is without the additional burden of pockets.
5. Because it would make dissension between husband and wife as to whose pockets were to be filled.
6. Because it would destroy man's chivalry toward woman if he did not have to carry all her things in his pockets.
7. Because men are men and women are women. We must not fly in the face of nature.
8. Because pockets have been used by men to carry tobacco, pipes, whisky flasks, chewing-gum, and compromising letters, we see no reason to suppose that women would use them more wisely.
Oh, would that working I might shun, From labour my connection sever, That I might do a bit or none Whatever!
That I might wander over hills, Establish friendship with a daisy, O'er pretty things like daffodils Go crazy!
That I might at the heavens gaze, Concern myself with nothing weighty, Loaf, at a stretch, for seven days— Or eighty.
Why can't I cease a slave to be, And taste existence beatific On some fair island hid in the Pacific?
Instead of sitting at a desk 'Mid undone labours, grimly lurking— Oh, say, what is there picturesque In working?
But no!—to loaf were misery!— I love to work! Hang isles of coral! (To end this otherwise would be Immoral!)
—Thomas R. Ybarra.
Labor is man's great function, He is nothing, he can do nothing, he can achieve nothing, fulfill nothing without working.—Dewey.
If you are poor—work. If you are rich—continue to work. If you are burdened with seemingly unfair responsibilities—work. If you are happy—keep right on working. Idleness gives room for doubts and fears. If disappointments come—work. If sorrow overwhelms you and loved ones seem not true—work. If health is threatened—work. When faith falters and reason fails—just work. When dreams are shattered and hope seems dead—work. Work as if your life were in peril. It really is. No matter what ails you—work. Work faithfully—work with faith. Work is the greatest remedy available for both mental and physical afflictions.—Korsaren.
I believe in the stuff I am handing out, in the firm I am working for; and in my ability to get results. I believe that honest stuff can be passed out to honest men by honest methods. I believe in working, not weeping; in boosting not knocking; and in the pleasure of my job. I believe that a man gets what he goes after, that one deed done today is worth two deeds tomorrow, and that no man is down and out until he has lost faith in himself. I believe in today and the work I am doing, in tomorrow and the work I hope to do, and in the sure reward which the future holds. I believe in courtesy, in kindness, in generosity, in good cheer, in friendship and in honest competition. I believe there is something doing, somewhere for every man ready to do it. I believe I'm ready—RIGHT NOW!—Elbert Hubbard.
I ask no odds of any man, I am not one that follies sway, I am the source of my rewards, I do my work each day.
It matters not if rich or poor, This is the future's great command, Who does not work shall cease to eat; Upon this rock I stand.
The fruit of trees, the grain of fields, Wherever use and beauty lurk— The good of all the world belongs To him who does the work.
Are you trying to climb where the chosen are, Where the feet of men are few? Do you long for "a job that is worth one's while?" Well here's a thought for you:
The pots of gold at the rainbow's end Are sought by the teeming mob, But the fairies who guard them choose as friend The man that loves his job.
No matter what grip of hand he has— How poor or strong his brain, There's always a place for the man who loves His work with might and main.
Does he dig in a ditch, or blaze a trail, Where the dreams of men may run? No clod of earth shall shoulder him From his place out in the sun.
It isn't the kick, It's not the pull, That brings the strong man out; But it's long-time work, and it's all-time will, And cheerful heart and shout,
Have you faith in yourself? Do you want to win? Is your heart for success athrob? There's just one thing that can bring you in With the winners—love your job.
Work Makes Men
"Work," as Henry Drummond said on the death of his friend John Ewing, of Melbourne, "is given man, not only, nor so much, perhaps, because the world needs it, but because the workmen need it. Men make work; but work makes men. An office is not merely a place for making money; it is a place for making men. A workshop is not a place for making machinery only; it is a place for making souls, for filling in the working virtues of one's life; for turning out honest, modest and good-natured men."
FIRST NAVVY—"Ye know, it's hard lines on Joe, 'im bein' so short-sighted."
SECOND NAVVY—"Why? Yer don't need good eyesight for our job!"
FIRST NAVVY—"No, but 'e can't see when the foreman ain't lookin', so he has to keep on workin' all the time."
A youth was being scored by his father for his flighty notions, his habit of shirking and general unreliability. "Hard work never killed anybody," the old man added.
"That's just the trouble, dad," returned the youngster. "I want to engage in something that has a spice of danger in it."
"Why don't you get out and hustle? Hard work never killed anybody," remarked the philosophical gentleman to whom Rastus applied for a little charity.
"You're mistaken dar, boss," replied Rastus; "I'se lost fouh wives dat way."
For whether he's wielding a scepter or swab, I have faith in the man who's in love with his job.
"Didn't you use to belong to a Don't Worry Club years ago?"
"Yes," replied the patient yet firm woman. "I had to resign. Nobody worried about who was going to fix up the sandwiches and salad and freeze the ice cream, but me. So I decided I was just a born worrier and was out of my class."
Arthur T. Hadley, president of Yale, said of youth at a tea in New Haven:
"I find youth modest, almost over-modest. I don't agree with the accepted idea of youth that is epitomized in the anecdote.
"According to this anecdote, an old man said to a youth:
"'My boy, when I was your age I thought, like you, that I knew it all, but now I have reached the conclusion that I know nothing.'
"The youth, lighting a cigaret, answered carelessly:
"'Hm! I reached that conclusion about you years ago.'"
While inspecting examination papers recently, a teacher found various humorous answers to questions. A class of boys, averaging twelve years of age, had been examined in geography. The previous day had been devoted to grammar. Among the geographical questions was the following:
"Name the zones."
One promising youth, who had mixed the two subjects, wrote: "There are two zones, masculine and feminine. The masculine is either temperate or intemperate; the feminine is either torrid or frigid!"
ABSENT-MINDEDNESS ACCIDENTS ACCURACY ACTORS AND ACTRESSES ADVERTISING ADVICE AFTER DINNER SPEECHES AGE AGRICULTURE ALARM CLOCKS ALIBI ALIMONY ALPHABET ALTERNATIVES AMBITION AMERICANS AMUSEMENTS ANCESTRY ANIMALS ANTICIPATION ANTIQUES APARTMENTS APPEARANCES APPETITE APPLAUSE ARITHMETIC ARMIES ART AND ARTISTS ASTRONOMY AUTHORS AUTHORSHIP AUTOMOBILE TOURISTS AUTOMOBILES AND AUTOMOBILING AVIATION BACHELORS BAGGAGE BALDNESS BANKS AND BANKING BAPTISM BAPTISTS BARGAINS BASEBALL BATHS AND BATHING BEAUTY, PERSONAL BEGGING BEQUESTS BETTING BIBLE INTERPRETATION BIGAMY BILLS BLUFFING BOARD OF HEALTH BOARDING HOUSES BOASTING BOLSHEVISM BOOKS AND READING BOOKSELLERS AND BOOKSELLING BOOMERANGS BOOSTING BORROWERS BOSTON BOY SCOUTS BOYS BRIDES BROOKLYN BROTHERHOOD BURBANK BUSINESS BUSINESS ENTERPRISE BUSINESS ETHICS BUSINESS WOMEN CAMPAIGNS CANDIDATES CANDOR CAPITAL AND LABOR CARD INDEX CARELESSNESS CATALOGING CAUSE AND EFFECT CAUTION CHARACTER CHARITY CHEERFULNESS CHICKEN STEALING CHILD LABOR CHILDREN CHOICES CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS CHRISTMAS GIFTS CHURCH CHURCH ATTENDANCE CHURCH DISCIPLINE CITIZENS CITY AND COUNTRY CIVICS CIVILIZATION CLASS DISTINCTIONS CLEANLINESS CLERGY CLOTHING CLUBS COAL COFFEE COLLECTING OF ACCOUNTS COLLECTION BOX COLLEGE GRADUATES COLLEGE STUDENTS COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES COMMITTEE COMMON SENSE COMMUNISM COMMUTERS COMPARISONS COMPENSATION COMPETITION COMPLIMENTS CONCEIT CONDUCT CONFESSIONS CONFIDENCES CONGRESS CONSCIENCE CONSCRIPTION CONSERVATIVES CONSOLATION CONTENTMENT CONTRIBUTION BOX CONUNDRUMS COOKERY COOKS COOPERATION CORPULENCE CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS COSMOPOLITANISM COST OF LIVING COUNTRY LIFE COURAGE COURTESY COURTS COURTSHIP CREDIT CRIME CRITICISM CULTURE CURES CURIOSITY CURRENT EVENTS CUSTOM DACHSHUNDS DAMAGES DANCING DAYLIGHT SAVING DEAD BEATS DEBTS DEGREES DEMAGOG DEMOCRACY DENTISTS DEPARTMENT STORES DESTINATION DETECTIVES DETERMINATION DIAGNOSIS DILEMMAS DINING DIPLOMACY DISARMAMENT DISCHARGE DISCIPLINE DISCOUNTS DISCRETION DISPOSITION DISTANCES DIVORCE DOCTORS DOGS DOMESTIC FINANCE DOMESTIC RELATIONS DREAMS DRINKING DRUNKARDS DUTCH DYSPEPSIA EATING ECONOMY EDITORS EDUCATION EFFICIENCY EGOTISM EINSTEIN EMBARRASSING SITUATIONS EMPLOYERS AND EMPLOYEES ENEMIES ENGLISH LANGUAGE ENGLISHMEN ENTHUSIASM EPIGRAMS EPITAPHS EQUALITY ETIQUET EUROPEAN WAR EUROPEAN WAR-POEMS EVIDENCE EXAGGERATION EXAMINATIONS EXCUSES EXECUTIVE ABILITY EXPENSES EXPERIENCE EXTRAVAGANCE FAILURES FAME FAMILIES FARMING FASHION FATE FATHERS FAULTS FEES FICTION FIGHTING FINANCE FISH FISHERMEN FISHING FLATTERY FOOD FOOD CONSERVATION FOOLS FORDS FOREIGNERS FORESIGHT FORGETFULNESS FORTUNE HUNTERS FOUNTAIN PENS FRANKLIN FREAKS FREE VERSE FREEDOM OF SPEECH FRENCH LANGUAGE FRIENDS FRIENDSHIP FUTURE FUTURE LIFE FUTURIST ART GAMBLING GARAGES GARDENING GAS GENEROSITY GENIUS GEOGRAPHY GERMANY GERMS GIFTS GIRLS GOD GOLF GOSSIP GOVERNMENT OWNERSHIP GRATITUDE GUARANTEES HABIT HADES HAPPINESS HASH HASTE HEAVEN HELL HEREDITY HEROES HIGH COST OF LIVING HINTING HISTORY HOME HOME BREW HOMELINESS HOMESICK HONESTY HORSES HOSPITALITY HOSPITALS HOTEL BIBLES HOTELS HOUSING PROBLEM HUNGER HUNTING HURRY HUSBANDS HYPOCRISY HYSTERICS "IF" IGNORANCE ILLUSIONS AND HALLUCINATIONS IMITATION IMMIGRANTS IMPUDENCE INCOME TAX INDUSTRY INFANTS INFLUENZA INHERITANCE INITIATIVE INSOMNIA INSTALMENT PLAN INSURANCE, FIRE INSURANCE, LIFE INTERVIEWS INVESTMENTS IRELAND IRISH BULLS IRISHMEN JEWS JOKES JOURNALISM JUDGES JUDGMENT JURY JUSTICE KINDNESS KINGS AND RULERS KISSES KNOWLEDGE LABOR AND CAPITAL LABOR AND LABORING CLASSES LABOR-SAVING DEVICES LADIES LANGUAGES LAUGHTER LAUNDRY LAWS LAWYERS LAZINESS LEAGUE OF NATIONS LEAP YEAR LEFT HANDEDNESS LEGISLATION LEGISLATORS LEISURE LIARS LIBERTY BONDS LIBRARIANS LIBRARIES LIES LIFE LISPING LOGIC LONDON LOST AND FOUND LOVE LUCK MAGAZINES MAJORITY MARKSMANSHIP MARRIAGE MASCOTS MATHEMATICS MATRIMONY MEASURING INSTRUMENTS MEDALS MEDICAL ETHICS MEDICINE MEMORY MEN METHODISTS MIDDLEMAN MILITARISM MILITARY DISCIPLINE MILK MILLENNIUM MILLINERS MILLIONAIRES MINISTERS MISERS MISTAKEN IDENTITY MISTAKES MONEY MONEY LENDER MORAL EDUCATION MOSQUITOES MOTHERS MOTHERS' DAY MOTHERS-IN-LAW MOVING PICTURES MULES MUSHROOMS MUSIC MUSICIANS NAMES, PERSONAL NATIONALITY NATURAL LAWS NEGROES NEIGHBORS NEW JERSEY NEW YORK CITY NEWSBOYS NEWSPAPERS "NO" NOTHING NURSES OBEDIENCE OBESITY OBITUARIES OCCUPATIONS OCEAN TRAVEL OFFICE BOYS OFFICE-SEEKERS OFFICERS OLD AGE OLD CLOTHES OPPORTUNITY OPTIMISM ORIGINALITY OSTRICH OUIJA BOARD PARENTS PARROTS PARTNERSHIP PEACE PEDESTRIANS PENMANSHIP PEP PERCENTAGE PERSISTENCE PERSUASION PESSIMISM PHILADELPHIA PHILANTHROPISTS PHILOSOPHY PHYSICIANS AND SURGEONS PITTSBURG PLEASURE POETRY POETS POLICE POLITENESS POLITICAL PARTIES POLITICIANS POLITICS POSTAL SERVICE POVERTY PRAISE PRAYERS PREACHING PREJUDICE PREPAREDNESS PRESCRIPTIONS PRETENSION PRICES PRIDE PRINTERS PRISONS PROFANITY PROFESSIONS PROFITEERS PROGRESS PROHIBITION PROMOTERS PROMPTNESS PRONUNCIATION PROPERTY PROPOSALS PROSPERITY PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT PSYCHOLOGY PUBLIC, THE PUBLIC SCHOOLS PUBLIC SPEAKERS PUBLISHERS PUNCTUALITY PUNCTUATION PUNISHMENT PUNS PURGATORY QUAKERS QUESTIONS RADICALS RAILROADS READING REAL ESTATE REAL ESTATE AGENTS REALISM RECOMMENDATIONS RECRUITING RED TAPE REGRETS RELATIVES RELIGIONS REMEDIES REMINDERS REPARTEE REPORTING REPUTATION REST CURE RESTAURANTS RETALIATION ROADS ROOSEVELT, THEODORE RUINS RUMMAGE SALES SACRIFICES SAFETY SALARIES SALESMEN AND SALESMANSHIP SALVATION SAVING SCANDAL SCHOLARSHIP SCHOOLS SCIENTIFIC MANAGEMENT SCOTCH, THE SEASICKNESS SECRETS SELF-MADE MEN SENATE SENATORS SENSE OF HUMOR SENTRIES SERMONS SERVANTS SERVICE SERVICE STAR SHOPPING SIGHT SEEING SIGNS SILENCE SIMPLIFIED SPELLING SIN SINGERS SKEPTICS SLANG SMILES SMOKING SNOBBERY SOCIALISTS SOCIETY SOCIOLOGY SOLDIERS SOUND SOUVENIRS SPECULATION SPEED SPELLING SPINSTERS STAMMERING STAMPS STATISTICS STENOGRAPHERS STOCK EXCHANGE STRATEGY STREET-CARS STRIKES SUBSTITUTES SUBURBS SUBWAYS SUCCESS SUITORS SUMMER RESORTS SUNDAY SUNDAY SCHOOLS SUPERSTITION SURPRISE SYMPATHY SYNONYMS TACT TALKERS TARDINESS TAX TEACHERS TEACHING TEARS TELEGRAPH TELEPHONE TEMPER TEMPERANCE TEMPTATION TEN COMMANDMENTS THEATER THERMOMETER THIEVES THRIFT TIDES TIME TIPS TOURISTS TRADE TRADE MARKS TRADE UNIONS TRAMPS TRAVELERS TREES TRENCHES TROUBLE TRUTH UMBRELLAS UNEXPECTED UNITED STATES VACATIONS VALUE VANITY VEGETARIANS VENTILATION VOICE VOTING WAGES WAR WEALTH WEATHER WEDDINGS WELSH WESTMINSTER ABBEY WHISKY WIDOWS WINDOWS WISDOM WISHES WITNESSES WIVES WOMAN WOMAN SUFFRAGE WOMAN'S RIGHTS WORK WORRY YOUTH ZONES
Transcriber's Note: the Contents and Index were added to this e-book by the transcriber.