There was an Old Man of Calcutta, Who perpetually ate bread and butter, Till a great bit of muffin, on which he was stuffing, Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
There was an Old Man of the South, Who had an immoderate mouth; But in swallowing a dish that was quite full of fish, He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
There was an Old Person of Dutton, Whose head was as small as a button; So to make it look big, he purchased a wig, And rapidly rushed about Dutton.
There was an Old Man of some rocks, Who shut his wife up in a box; When she said, "Let me out," he exclaimed, "Without doubt You will pass all your life in that box,"
There was an Old Person of Rheims, Who was troubled with horrible dreams; So to keep him awake they fed him with cake, Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
There was an Old Man with a flute, A "sarpent" ran into his boot; But he played day and night, till the "sarpent" took flight, And avoided that Man with a flute.
There was an Old Man of Berlin, Whose form was uncommonly thin; Till he once, by mistake, was mixed up in a cake, So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
There was an Old Man of the Hague, Whose ideas were excessively vague; He built a balloon to examine the moon, That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
A horrid Old Gentleman from Monaghan, Sat down and refused to go on again, Till they gave him a crown for leaving the town, That wretched old humbug of Monaghan.
There was an Old Man if Nepaul, From his horse had a terrible fall; But, though split quite in two, with some very strong glue They mended that Man of Nepaul.
There was an Old Man of Aoster, Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her; But they said, "Don't you see she has rushed up a tree? You invidious Old Man of Aosta!"
There was an Old Man of the Nile, Who sharpened his nails with a file, Till he cuts of his thumbs, and said calmly, "This comes Of sharpening one's nails with a file!"
There was an Old Person of Rhodes, Who strongly objected to toads; He paid several cousins to catch them by dozens, That futile Old Person of Rhodes.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn, Who wished he had never been born; So he sat on a chair until he died of despair, That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
There was an Old Person whose habits Induced him to feed upon rabbits; When he'd eaten eighteen, he turned perfectly green, Upon which he relinquished those habits.
There was an Old Man with a nose, Who said, "If you choose to suppose That my nose is too long, you are certainly wrong!" That remarkable Man with a nose.
There was an Old Man of Apulia, Whose conduct was very peculiar; He fed twenty sons upon nothing but buns, That whimsical Man of Apulia.
There was an Old Man of Madras, Who rode on a cream-coloured ass; But the length of its ears so promoted his fears That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
There was an Old Person of Sparta, Whose had twenty-five sons and one daughter; He fed them snails, and weighed them on scales, That wonderful Person of Sparta.
There was an Old Person of Chilli, Whose conduct was painful and silly; He sat on the stairs, eating apples and pears, That imprudent Old Person of Chilli.
There was an Old Man of the East, Who gave all his children a feast; But they all ate so much, and their conduct was such That it killed that Old Man of the East.
There was an Old Man of Peru, Who never knew what he should do; So he tore off his hair, and behaved like a bear, That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
There was an Old Man in a boat, Who said, "I'm afloat! I'm afloat!" When they said, "No you a'int!" he was ready to faint, That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia, Whose daughter was christened Euphemia, But one day, to his grief, she married a thief, Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
There was an Old Person of Basing, Whose presence of mind was amazing; He purchased a steed, which he rode at full speed And escaped from the people of Basing.
There was an Old Man on a hill, Who seldom if ever stood still; He ran up and down in his Grandmother's gown, Which adorned that Old Man on a hill.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny, Who never had more than a penny, He spent all that money on onions and honey, That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
There was an Old Person of Perth, The stingiest fellow on earth; He fed—oh! 'twas cruel—on seaweed and gruel, This stingy Old Person of Perth.
A dogmatic Old Fellow of Shoreham, Would snub his companions and bore 'em, By flat contradiction, which was an affliction To the friends of this party of Shoreham.
There was an Old Person of Ischia, Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier; He danced hornpipes and jigs, and ate thousands of figs, That lively Old Person of Ischia.
There was an Old Person of Hurst, Who drank when he was not athirst; When they said, "You'll grow fatter!" he answered, "What matter?" That globular Person of Hurst.
[Page 103—Old Men Tales]
The Diverting History Of John Gilpin
John Gilpin was a citizen Of credit and renown, A train-bound Captain eke was he Of famous London town. John Gilpin's spouse said to her dear, Though we have wedded been, These twice ten tedious years, yet we No holiday have seen.
To-morrow is our wedding-day, And we then will repair Unto the "Bell" at Edmonton, All in a chaise and pair, My sister and my sister's child, Myself and children three, Will fill the chaise, so you must ride On horse-back after we.
He soon replied—I do admire Of womankind but one, And you are she, my dearest dear, Therefore it shall be done, I am a linen-draper bold, As all the world doth know, And my good friend the Calender, Will lend his horse to go.
Quoth Mrs Gilpin—That's well said; And for that wind is dear, We will be furnished with our own, Which is both bright and clear; John Gilpin kiss'd his loving wife, O'erjoyed was he to find That, though on pleasure she was bent, She had a frugal mind.
The morning came, the chaise was brought, And yet was not allow'd To drive up to the door, lest all Should say that she was proud; So three doors off the post was stayed, Where they did all get in, Six precious souls, and all agog To dash through thick and thin.
Smack went the whip, round went the wheels, Were never folks so glad, The stones did rattle underneath As if Cheapside were mad; John Gilpin at his horse's side Seized fast the flowing mane, And up he got in haste to ride, But soon came down again.
For saddle-tree scarce reached had he, His journey to begin, When turning round his head, he saw Three customers come in; So down he came—for loss of time, Although it grieved him sore, Yet loss of pence, full well he knew, Would trouble him much more.
'Twas long before the customers Were suited to their mind, When Betty, screaming, came down the stairs, "The wine is left behind." Good lack! quoth he, yet bring it me, My leathern belt likewise, In which I bear my trusty sword When I do exercise.
Now, Mistress Gilpin, careful soul, Had two stone bottles found, To hold the liquor that she loved, And keep it safe and sound, Each bottle had a curling ear, Through which the belt he drew, And hung a bottle on each side, To make his balance true.
Then over all, that he might be Equipp'd from top to toe, His long red cloak, well brush'd and neat, He manfully did throw, Now see him mounted once again Upon his nimble steed, Full slowly pacing o'er the stones With caution and good heed.
But, finding soon a smoother road Beneath his well-shod feet, The snorting beast began to trot, Which gall'd him in his seat, So, "Fair and softly," John, he cried, But John, he cried in vain; That trot became a gallop soon, In spite of curb and rein.
So, stooping down, as needs he must, Who cannot sit upright, He grasp'd the mane with both his hands, And eke with all his might, His horse, who never in that sort, Had handled been before, What thing upon his back had got Did wonder more and more.
Away went Gilpin, neck or nought, Away went hat and wig, He little dreamt when he set out Of running such a rig; The wind did blow, the cloak did fly, Like streamer long and gay, Till, loop and button failing both, At last it flew away.
Then might people well discern The bottles he had slung, A bottle swinging at each side, As had been said or sung, The dogs did bark, the children scream'd, Up flew the windows all, And ev'ry soul cried out, Well done! As loud as he could bawl.
Away went Gilpin—who but he, His fame soon spread around— He carries weight, he rides a race! 'Tis for a thousand pound! And still as fast as he drew near, 'Twas wonderful to view How in a trice the turnpike men Their gates wide open flew.
And now as he went bowing down His reeking head full low, The bottles twain behind his back Were shatter'd at a blow; Down ran the wine into the road, Most piteous to be seen, Which made his horses flanks to smoke, As they had basted been.
But still he seemed to carry weight, With leathern girdle braced, For all might see the bottle-necks Still dangling at his waist; Thus all through merry Islington These gambols did he play, And till he came into the Wash Of Edmonton so gay.
And there he threw the wash about On both sides of the way, Just like unto a trundling mop, Or a wild goose at play. At Edmonton his loving wife From the balcony spied Her tender husband, wond'ring much To see how he did ride.
Stop, stop, John Gilpin!—Here's the house— They all at once did cry, The dinner waits, and we are tired— Said Gilpin—So am I; But yet this horse was not a whit Inclined to tarry there— For why? His owner had a house Full ten miles off, at Ware.
So, like an arrow, swift he flew, Shot by an archer strong; So did he fly—which brings me to The middle of my song. Away went Gilpin, out of breath, And sore against his will, Till at his friend the Calender's His horse at last stood still.
The Calender, amazed to see His neighbour in such trim, Laid down his pipe, flew to the gate, And thus accosted him:— What news? what news? your tidings tell! Tell me you must and shall— Say why bare-headed you are come, Or why you come at all?
Now, Gilpin had a pleasant wit, And loved a timely joke, And thus unto the Calender, In merry guise he spoke— I came because your horse would come, And if I well forbode, My hat and wig will soon be here, They are upon the road.
The Calender, right glad to find His friend in merry pin, Return'd him not a single word, But to the house went in. When straight he came with hat and wig— A wig that flow'd behind; A hat not much the worse of wear— Each comely in its kind.
He held them up, and in its turn Thus showed his ready wit— My head is twice as big as yours, They therefore needs must fit. But let me scrape the dirt away That hangs upon your face, And stop and eat, for well you may Be in a hungry case.
Said John, It is my wedding-day, And all the world would stare, If wife should dine at Edmonton, And I should dine at Ware. So, turning to his horse, he said— I am in haste to dine, 'Twas for your pleasure you came here, You shall go back for mine.
Ah, luckless speech, and bootless boast, For which he paid full dear; For while he spake, a braying ass Did sing most loud and clear, Whereat his horse did snort as he Had heard a lion's roar, And gallop'd off with all his might, As he had done before.
Away went Gilpin, and away Went Gilpin's hat and wig; He lost them sooner than the first, For why? they were too big. Now, Mistress Gilpin when she saw Her husband posting down Into the country, far away, She pulled out half-a-crown.
And thus unto the youth she said That drove them to the "Bell"— This shall be yours when you bring back My husband safe and well; The youth did ride, and soon did meet John coming back again, Whom in a trice, he tried to stop By catching at his rein.
But, not performing what he meant, And gladly would have done, The frightened steed he frightened more, And made him faster run; Away went Gilpin, and away Went post-boy at his heels— The post-boy's horse right glad to miss The lumbering of the wheels.
Six gentlemen upon the road, Thus seeing Gilpin fly, With post-boy scamp'ring in the rear, They raised the hue and cry:— Stop thief! stop thief!—a highwayman! An all and each that pass'd the way Did join in the pursuit.
And now the turnpike gates again Flew open in short space— The toll-men thinking as before, That Gilpin rode a race; And so he did, and won it, too, For he got first to town: Nor stopp'd till, where he had got up, He did again get down,
Now let us sing: Long live the king, And Gilpin, long live he; And when he next doth ride abroad, May I be there to see.
[Page 104—Song Of The Book Arcade]
Books teach the children of men in many million schools; Books make the difference between earth's learned and its fools.
Song Of The Book Arcade
Cole's Book Arcade, Cole's Book Arcade It is in Melbourne town, Of all the book stores in the land It has the most renown,
It was the first, first Book Arcade That in the world was found; It's still the finest Book Arcade In all the world around.
A lovely rainbow sign appears Above the Book Arcade And 'tis the very grandest sign Was ever yet displayed.
Full forty thousand sorts of books Are stored within its walls, Which can be seen, looked at or bought, By anyone that calls.
The book you wish, the book you want, Is almost sure to be Found somewhere in the Book Arcade, If you will call and see.
(Our Australian Choir has Cockatoos, Laughing Jackasses, Native Bears, Platypusses, Black Swans, Emus, Magpies, Opossums, and Lyre Birds, also a BUNYIP to sing deep bass, all the other Animals in the World sing the chorus, each in his natural voice. The tune is "MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB.")
Value Of Books
BOOKS should be found in every house To form and feed the mind; They are the best of luxuries 'Tis possible to find.
For all the books in all the world Are man's greatest treasure; They make him wish, and bring to him His best, his choicest pleasure.
BOOKS make his time pass happily Through many weary hours; Amuse, compose, instruct his mind, Enlarge his mental powers.
BOOKS give to him the history Of each and every land; BOOKS show him human action's past— The bad, the good, the grand.
BOOKS show him arts, laws, learnings, faiths Of every time and place; BOOKS show him how each thing is made Used by the human race.
[Page 105—Value Of Books]
BOOKS give to him descriptions of The world in which we live, Of the universe around us, And better still they give.
BOOKS give to him the greatest thoughts Of all the good and wise; BOOKS treasure human knowledge up, And so it never dies.
BOOKS show him all that men have done, What they have thought and said; BOOKS show the deeds and wisdom of The living and the dead.
BOOKS show him all the hopes and fears Of every race and clan; BOOKS clearly prove beyond a doubt The brotherhood of man.
BOOKS give him hopes beyond the grave Of an immortal life; BOOKS teach that right and truth and love Shall banish every strife.
BOOKS teach and please him when a child In youth and in his prime; BOOKS give him soothing pleasure when His health and strength decline.
BOOKS please him in his lonely hours, Wherever he may roam: BOOKS please when read aloud among His loving friends at home.
BOOKS like strong drink will drown his cares, But do not waste his wealth; BOOKS leave him better, drink the worse, In character and health.
BOOKS therefore, are, of all man buys, The choicest thing on earth, BOOKS have, of all his household goods, The most intrinsic worth.
BOOKS are the greatest blessing out, The grandest thing we sell, BOOKS bring more joy, BOOKS do more good Than mortal tongue can tell.
E. W. Cole
[Page 106—Old Woman Tales]
The Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, She had so many children—such naughty ones too! She cried, "Oh, dear me, I don't know what to do, Who would be an old woman and live in a shoe?"
Once ninety little fellows sat down on the floor And lustily screamed, "We won't cry any more!" "Then stop crying now," the old woman said, "The noise you are making goes right through my head."
"Then she gave the boys broth without any bread, And whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed. She scolded the girls, and said, "Don't make a noise, Or you shall be served just the same as the boys."
[Page 107—Old Woman Tales]
Old Mother Goose, when She wanted to wander, Would ride through the air On a very fine gander.
Mother Goose had a house, 'Twas built of wood, Where an owl at the door For sentinel stood.
She had a son Jack, A plain-looking lad, He was not very good, Nor yet very bad.
She sent him to market; A live goose he bought; Here, mother, says he, It will not go for nought.
Jack's goose and her gander They grew very fond; They'd both eat together, Or swim in one pond.
Jack found one morning, As I have been told, His goose had laid him An egg of pure gold.
Jack rode to his mother, The news for to tell, She call'd him a good boy, And said it was well.
Hack sold his gold egg To a rogue of a Jew, Who cheated him out of The half of his due.
Then Jack went a-courting A lady so gay, As fair as the lily, And sweet as the May.
The Jew and the Squire Came behind his back, And began to belabour The sides of poor Jack.
Then old Mother Goose That instant came in, And turned her son Jack Into fam'd Harlequin.
She then with her wand Touch'd the lady so fine, And turn'd her at once Into sweet Columbine.
The gold egg in the sea Was quickly thrown, when Jack gave a quick dive, And soon got it again.
The Jew got the goose, Which he vow'd he would kill, Resolving at once His pockets to fill.
Jack's mother came in, And caught the goose soon, And mounting its back, Flew up to the moon.
Old Woman under a Hill
There was an old woman lived under a hill, Put a mouse in a bag, and sent it to mill; The Miller declar'd by the point of his knife, He ne'er saw such a big mouse in his life.
Old Woman under a Hill
There was an old woman lived under a hill; And if she's not gone, she lives there still.
Old Woman and Three Sons
There was an old woman had three sons; Jerry, and James, and John. Jerry was hung, James was drowned; John was lost, and never was found; And there was an end of the three sons, Jerry, and James, and John.
Old Woman who Lived in a Shell
A little old woman, as I've heard tell, Lived near the sea, in a nice little shell; She was well off, if she wanted her tea— She'd plenty of water from out of the sea.
Then if for her dinner she had the least wish, Of course she had nothing to do but to fish; So, really, this little old woman did well, As she didn't pay any rent for the use of the shell.
Old Woman Swallowed
There was an old woman called Nothing-at-all, Who rejoiced in a dwelling exceedingly small; A man stretched his mouth to its utmost extent, And down at one gulp house and old woman went.
Old Woman's Calf
There was an old woman sat spinning, And that's the first beginning; She had a calf, and that's half; She took it by the tail, And threw it over the wall, and that's all.
Old Woman Drowned
There was an old woman, her name it was Peg; Her head was of wood, and she wore a cork-leg. The neighbours all pitched her into the water, Her leg was drown'd first, and her head followed a'ter.
Old Woman of Stepney
At Stepney there lived, As every one knows, An old woman who had A plum tree on her nose!
The boys, while she slept, Would cautiously take The plums from her tree Before she could wake.
This old woman went One day to the lawn Of my Lord Cockagee, And there saw a fawn.
Having shot him, she tied His hind legs to her tree, And so quitted the lawn Of my Lord Cockagee.
She'd nearly reached home, When the constable came, And put her in prison For killing the game.
While locked in her cell, She thought again and again Of how to escape, But kept thinking in vain.
She considered each plan, Till she found out a way Of escaping the prison In the course of the day.
She cut the plum tree close off from her nose, And made a scarecrow, Dress'd up in her clothes;
This she set on a stool, With it's back to the wall, And watch'd near the door For fear it would fall.
Soon the jailor came in With her water and bread; He stared at the figure, While from prison she fled.
The old woman reached home, Singing diddle-dee-dee; And again on her nose There grew a plum tree.
[Page 108—Old Woman Tales]
Funny Old Women
There was an old person of Smyrna, Whose Granny once threatened to burn her; But she seized on the cat, And said "Granny, burn that! You incongruous old woman of Smyrna!"
There was an old lady of Bute, Who played on a silver-gilt flute; She played several jigs To her Uncle's white pigs, That amusing old lady of Bute.
There was an old lady of Ryde, Whose shoe-strings were seldom untied, She purchased some clogs, And some small spotted dogs, And frequently walked about Ryde.
There was an old lady of Parma, Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer, When they said "Are you dumb?" She merely said "Hum!" That provoking old lady of Parma.
There was an old lady of Troy, Whom several large flies did annoy; Some she killed with a thump, Some she drowned at the pump, And some she took with her to Troy.
There was an old person of Crete, Whose toilet was far from complete, She dressed in a sack Spickle-speckled with black, That ombliferous old person of Crete.
There was an old lady of Wales, Who caught a large fish without scales; When she lifted her hook, She exclaimed "Only look!" That ecstatic old lady of Wales.
There was an old lady of Clare, Who was sadly pursued by a bear; When she found she was tired, She abruptly expired, That unfortunate lady of Clare.
There was an old lady of Dorking, Who bought a large bonnet for walking; But it's colour and size, So bedazzled her eyes, That she very soon went back to Dorking.
There was an old lady of Russia, Who screamed so that no one could hush her; Her screams were extreme, No one heard such a scream, As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
There was an old lady of Norway, Who casually sat in a doorway; When the door squeezed her flat, She exclaimed, "What of that?" That courageous old lady of Norway.
There was an old lady of Chertsey, Who made a remarkable curtsey; She twirled round and round, Till she sank underground, Which distressed all the people of Chertsey.
There was an old woman of Anerley, Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly. She rushed down the Strand, With a pig in each hand, But returning in the evening to Anerley.
There was an old lady of Welling, Whose praise all the world was a-telling; She played on the harp, And caught several carp, That accomplished old lady of Welling.
There was an old lady of Turkey, Who wept when the weather was murky; When the day turned out fine, She ceased to repine, That capricious old lady of Turkey.
Old Woman who went up in a Basket
There was an old woman went up in a basket, Ninety-nine times as high as the moon; What she did there I could not but ask it, For in her hand she carried a broom.
"Old woman, old woman, old woman," quoth I, "O whither, O whither, O whither, so high?" "To sweep the cobwebs off the sky,— And I shall be back again by and by!"
There was an old woman of Prague, Whose ideas were horribly vague, She built a balloon, To examine the moon, That deluded old woman of Prague.
There was an old woman of Hull, Who was chased by a virulent bull; But she seized on a spade, And called out "Who's afraid?" Which distracted that virulent bull.
There was an old lady of Poole, Whose soup was excessively cool; So she put it to boil, By the aid of some oil, That ingenious old lady of Poole.
There was an old lady of Burton, Whose answers were rather uncertain; When they said "How d'ye do?" She replied "Who are you?" That distressing old person of Burton.
There was an old lady of Lucca, Whose lovers completely forsook her; She ran up a tree, And said "Fiddle-de-dee!" Which embarrassed the people of Lucca.
There was an old woman of Norwich, Who lived on nothing but porridge; Parading the town, She turned cloak into gown, That thrifty old woman of Norwich.
There was an old woman of Leeds, Who spent all her time in good deeds; She worked for the poor, Till her fingers were sore, That pious old woman of Leeds.
There was an old woman in Surrey, Who was morn, noon, and night in a hurry; Called her husband a fool, Drove the children to school, That worrying old woman in Surrey.
There was an old lady whose bonnet Came untied when the birds sat upon it; But she said "I don't care! All the birds in the air Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!"
There was an old lady whose nose Was so long that it reached to her toes; So she hired an old lady, Whose conduct was steady, To carry that wonderful nose.
There was an old lady whose chin Resembled the point of a pin; So she had it made sharp, And purchased a harp, On which to play tunes with her chin.
There was an old lady whose eyes, Were unique as to colour and size; When she opened them wide, People all turned aside, And started away in surprise.
There was a young lady of Hexham, Contradicted her friends just to vex 'em; She talked about horses, And rode on racecourses, This forward young lady of Hexham.
[Page 109—Strange History of Twenty-Six Funny Women]
Strange History of Twenty-Six Funny Women
Angelina Armstrong Abruptly Asked an Advertising Agent About an Alliterating Advertisement Appearing, Announcing An Astonishing, Admirable, Attractive, Agreeable, Artistic, And Advanced Australian Arcade. Meaning Cole's Book Arcade.
Bridget Bradshaw Bamboozled the Barber's Beautiful Baby By Bouncing it into Believing a Bandbox to Be a Big Book. From Coles Book Arcade.
Clarissa Cox Cautiously Crept & Caught with a Candle extinguisher a Congregation of Catterwauling Cats Conducting a Confounded Corroboree. On the roof of Coles Book Arcade.
Dorothy Dwight in the Dark Drew a Decidedly Delightful Drawing, Depicting a Dictating, Domineering Despot; a Desperate Despoiling Demogogue; a Disdainful Duchess Dowager; a Dainty, Dressy Dandy, and a Downright Double-Dealing Dodger. Which drawing can be inspected at Cole's Book Arcade by anyone who can see clearly in the Dark.
Eudocia Emul, the Eccentric Epicurian Empress of Ethiopia, Electrified the East End of Egypt by Eagerly and Easily Eating, as an Experiment, an Egg, an Eagle, an Emu, and Electrical Eel, and an Enormous Elephant, larger than the one Exhibited next to Cole's Book Arcade.
Fanny Fagan's Fine, Flossy, Fashionable Feathers Frequently Flopped, Flirted, and Flounced Forcibly From Fun. When she read some of the lively books from Cole's Book Arcade.
Georgina Gubbins Gently, Gracefully, Gravely, Grammatically, Graphically, and Grandiloquently Grumbled at her Great-Grandmother. Because she so seldom went to Cole's Book Arcade.
Harriet Hopkins Had an Habitual, Haughty, Harsh, Hasty, Huffy, Hateful, Hideous, Horrid, Headstrong, Heedless, Hysterical, Habit of Henpecking Her Husband at Home. When he would not take her to Cole's Book Arcade, to get a book on Saturday night.
Isabella Ingram Ironically Inquired of the Illustrious Imperial Indian If Idleness, Ignorance, Impudence, Intemperance, Intolerance, Inhumanity, and Infamy. Were the seven cardinal virtues. She was referred for an answer to the Instructive books in Cole's Book Arcade.
Jemima Jenkins, the Jerusalem Jewess, Judiciously Jotted Jokes in her Journal in June on her Journey through Judea to Jericho, beyond Jordan. [N.B.—Jericho, beyond Jordan, is about 10,000 miles from Cole's Book Arcade.]
Kate Kearney Kidnapped a Knave, a Knight, a Khan, a Kaiser and a King, and Kindly Kept them upon Ketchup, Kale, Kidneys, Kingfishes, Kittens and Kangaroos. She did not buy her cookery book at Cole's Book Arcade: he doesn't sell books showing how to cook Kittens.
Lucy Larkins Lately Let a Lovely, Lonely Lady Look Leisurely at a Large Live Lobster by the aid of a Lucid Little Lime-Light, Borrowed from Cole's Book Arcade.
Mary Muggin's Mother Made a Mighty, Monstrous, Mammoth, Monument of Marmalade jars; Mounted up, and Minutely Minced the Moon into a Multitude of Magnificent stars. [N.B.—About 300 bushels of said stars fell on top of Cole's Book Arcade and may be seen on application.]
Nancy Nuttall was a Nonsensical, Noodlesome, Nincompoopish, Namby-pamby, Numskulled, Needle-woman; Nevertheless, at Ninety-Nine she Neatly and Nimbly Nabbed in the Nuptial Noose a Notable Noble Nabob of Nagpoor. And directly after the marriage Nagged him into sending for books to Cole's Book Arcade.
Olivia Oliphant, of Omeo, ordered an Obstinate Old Organ-grinding Ostrich to Overwhelm with Oil an Olive, an Onion, an Orange, an Onion, an Orange, an Ocean, and an Oat. And then go to Cole's Book Arcade and get a book.
Papline Potts, a Poor, Penniless Peasant, Prettily, Pleasantly, Pathetically and Perfectly Played a Piece of music in a Parlour at a Pleasure-Palace to a Picked, Packed Party of Particular Personages, consisting of Peers, Peeresses, Princes and Princesses. The piece of music was bought Quarter-Price at Cole's Book Arcade.
Quintina Quirk Quarrelled with the Queer, Quaint, Quadroon Queen of Quito, and Quizzingly Questioned her Quivering, Quaking Quartermaster. If he was Quite sure he bought all his pens and pencils at Cole's Book Arcade.
Ruth Robertson's Rich Rival, Regardless of Right, Rhyme, or Reason, Recently Ran a Rapid, Rattling Race Round a Regiment of Royal Russian Red Republicans, Instead of Running into Cole's Book Arcade.
Seraphina Susanna Selina Sally Snooks, a Sober, Serious, Staid, Seraphic, and Sentimental Sailoress, Solicited a Situation as Superior Saloon Stewardess on the Splendid Spanish Steamship Salamanca, and Straightway Stipulated with the Sprightly Supercargo to Slyly and Suddenly Sail Southward at Sunrise for Six Shillingsworth of Select Stationery to Cole's Book Arcade.
Theresa Toodles Thatched a Trumpery Tipperary Theatre Three Thousand and Thirty-Three Times, and Then Took To Table-Turning and Table-Talking. But never Turned into nor Talked about Cole's Book Arcade until afterwards.
Urania Upton was Uncouth, Ungraceful, Unfashionable, Unladylike, Uninteresting, Unpresentable, and Ugly. She was Unpoetical, Unmusical, Unlearned, Uncultured, Unimproved, Uninformed, Unknowing, Unthinking, Unwitty and Unwise. She was Unlively, Undersized, Unwholesome and Unhealthy. She was Unlovely, Ungentle, Uncivil, Unsociable, Untameable, and altogether Unendurable. She was Unkind, Unfeeling, Unloving, Unthankful, Ungrateful, Unwilling, Unruly, Unreasonable, Unwomanly, Unworthy, Unmotherly, Undutious, Unmerciful, Untruthful, Unfair, Unjust and Unprincipled. She was Unpunctual, Unthrifty, Unskilful, Unready, Unsafe, Unfit, and totally Unprofitable. She was Unknown, Unnoticed, Unheeded, Unobeyed, Unloved, Unfriended, Unemployed, Unvalued, Unpopular, and actually Unpitied. She was Unsuccessful, Unfortunate, Unlucky, Unpaid, Unshod, Unfed, Unquiet, Unsettled, Uncertain, Undecided, Unhinged, Uneasy, Upset, Unhappy, and Utterly Useless. Until, by chance, she went to Cole's Book Arcade, and got some good instructive books, and now she is the very best person in Australia, and the best but two in the world.
Victoria Vincent Valiantly Vaccinated a Vapouring, Verbose Varmit of a Vulgar Villainous Vagabond, who Very Verdantly Ventured on a Versatile, Veteran, Valueless Velocipede to Visit the Viceroy of Venice, instead of Visiting Cole's Book Arcade.
Wilhelmina Wilkins Was a Worthy, Witty, Widow Washerwoman, Who Washed Woollen Waistcoats, Worsted Waistbands, and Water-proof Wrappers With a Washing-Machine, and lived Well upon Water-gruel; Whereupon William Watson, a Wide-awake Widowed Waterman, Wisely Walked With her—Whispered, Winked, Wooed, Won, Wedded, and Wafted her across the Wide Waste of Water Waves, and got her a Weird Waltz. Quarter-Price at Cole's Book Arcade.
Xantippe Xman, the eXiled eXqueen of the eXquimaux, eXceedingly eXcelled in eXerting an eXquisite eXactness in eXpense in general; but eXhibited the most eXceptional, eXtensive, eXtraordinary, eXcessive, eXtravagant, but eXcusable eXuberance. When she visited Cole's Book Arcade, to buy books.
Yellena Yellat, the Yellow Yahoo of Yokohama, Yawned Yesterday at Yon Yelping Yokel of the Yankee Yeomanry. And told him that he, being ignorant, should go at once and get educated at Cole's Book Arcade.
Zenobian Zoziman, the Zouave Zemindaress of Zululand, was no Zany, but rode on a Zanzibar Zebra, resided in a Zing-Zag Zenana, Zealously studied Zanyism, Zealotism, Zoology, Zoonomy, Zoophytology, Zoolatry, Zymology, Zincography And many other 'isms, 'ologies, 'olatries, 'ographies, etc., out of the works she bought at Cole's Book Arcade.
[Page 110—Forty Ways Of Travelling]
A Wonderful Search Journey by the 40 principal modes of travelling in The World, and a Prize of L1000 offered for a Flying Machine.
I have always been a man of one idea at a time, and that one idea I have followed with unwavering determination until success has rewarded my efforts. Now listen to my story:—A short time ago, much desiring to obtain a particular article, I determined to get it if it was possible to do so in this world, and so started on my search journey. I ran into Melbourne and asked
His Excellency the GOVERNOR of Victoria if he knew where I could get it, he said he did not but I might ask the RAJAH of Sarawak. I took ship to Sarawak, asked the Rajah, he said he did not know, but referred me to the MIKADO of Japan. I jumped into a boat, pulled
to Jedo, asked His Dual Majesty, Lord Paramount of Japan, and head of the Sintoo Faith, he said he did not know, but perhaps the TYCOON of Japan did. I got into a jimriksha and was trotted
away to the house of the unfortunate Tycoon, he said he could not help me, but referred me to the GREAT CHAM of Tartary. I jumped into a Chinese junk,
bore away to Pekin and saw the Great Cham of the Celestials, "Son of Heaven," "Brother to the Sun, Moon and Stars," "Father of Mankind," "Governor of the World" and head of the Confucian Faith. He condescendingly said he did not know, but maybe the TIANG of Nankin could inform me; I took a sailing wheelbarrow to the Centre of Wise Learning, saw the head
of the Taoist Faith, he could not tell me where to get it but perhaps the GRAND LAMA of Thibet could, I jumped on the back of a Yak, rode to Lassa,
interviewed the head of the Buddhist Faith he said he wanted one himself, but did not know where to get it, go, says he, to the CZAR of Russia, present my compliments and ask him for one for yourself and one for me. I took passage in a reindeer sleigh to St.
Petersburg, saw the CZAR, he referred me to his brother monarch the KEIZAR of Austria. I jumped on a horse, galloped away to Vienna, saw the Keizar,
he did not know, but I could try the QUEEN of England, I jumped into an electric train, made for the metropolis
of the world, saw Her Royal, Imperial, and Republican Majesty the "Queen of England," "Empress of India," Sovereign of Canada, Australia, and forty other countries, the most powerful and beloved ruler of the finest race of men, and the largest, mightiest, and grandest Empire the world ever saw. I now said to myself I surely shall get the article I want from the vast resources of Her Majesty, but in answer to my query she politely remarked that she did not think I should get in her dominions, but was almost certain that I could get it from the CHIEF of the Greenland Esquimeaux, I rose up in
a balloon, flew through the air across the Atlantic, saw the Chief, he could not say, but referred me to the VICEROY of the Dominion, I jumped on the back of a reindeer, trotted away to Ottawa, saw
the Viceroy, he was positively ignorant on the subject and referred me to the Mormon PROPHET. Got into an ice ship,
[Page 111—Forty Ways Of Travelling]
slid away over the snow to Utah, saw the Prophet, he had heard of it but did not know where I should get it, but I might at least ask the SACHAM of the Flat-Head Indians, I jumped into a dog-sleigh, scampered away, hailed the
Sachem, but he did not know, but perhaps the PRESIDENT of Peru did, rode on a one-man sedan to the City of Earthquakes,
saw the President, he did not know, but would I be so good as ask the EMPEROR of Brazil, I sprang on to the back of a llama, flopped away to Rio;
the American Emperor said he did not know himself, but surely the SHEIKH of Timbuctoo ought to tell. I jumped into a canoe, crossed the Atlantic,
reached the Negro city, asked the Sheikh, he said it was like my impudence asking him, how should he know such a thing? none of the traditions of the negro continent mentioned it, but if I thought such a thing existed I had better ask his Sublime Mightiness the SULTAN of Zanzibar, I jumped on the back of an ostrich, strode away to the
Isle of Beauty, saw the Sultan, he shook his head and referred me to the NEGUS of Abyssinia, I was carried rapidly in a head palenkeen on the heads of four
negroes to Magdala, spoke to the Negus, he referred me to the KHEDIVE
of Egypt, I got into a water-velocipede, trod away up the Red Sea to the city of the Pyramids, saw the Khedive, he referred me to the SHERIF of Mecca, I at once bestrode a donkey, cantered
away to the Sacred City, asked the custodian of the Precious Tomb of the Great Prophet, the query nonplussed him, and he desired me to wait on the IMAUN of Muscat, I mounted a camel,
ambled across to the hot city of the Imaun, he could not say but referred me to the RAO of Cutch, I made for Bhooj on a raft, spoke to the Rao, he
had not got one, but referred me to the GUICOWAR of Gujerat and considerately lent me a pair of ten-feet stilts for the
journey. I waded from the City of Dismal Swamps and finally reached Baroda on my stilts, saw the Guicowar, he had never heard of the article, but referred me to the HIGH PRIEST of the Parsees, I got into a sedan, was borne
to Bombay, saw the head of the Parsee Faith, he had not the article, did not believe that it existed, as it was not mentioned in any of the sacred books of the Parsees, but finally referred me to the BIBY of Canonore, I mounted an Elephant
stamped down the coast, addressed the Biby, she said it was the first time she had heard of the article, but the MAHARAJAH of Mysore might have one. I stepped into a palenkeen
[Page 112—Forty Ways Of Travelling]
and four men trotted away to Mysore, the Great Rajah said he had not got one, perhaps the NIZAM of Hyderabad could assist me. I got into a horse-sedan, went
to Hyderabad, saw the Nizam, he did not know and suggested the GRAND MAHUNT of Benares. I got into a horse-palenkeen, made straight for the
City of the Sacred Shrines, saw the head of the Hindoo Faith, he did not know where it could be got, but had I asked the THACKOOR of Bhrownnuggar? No!—or the Swat of Ackoond, or the Mudor of Cassala, or the Hospodar of Wallachia, or the Aboona of Gondar or the Patriarch of Constantinople, or the Archbishop of Canterbury? I said most decidedly not—that I would not waste my time consulting such insignificant magnates, then, says he, just you ask the GURO of the Sikhs. I jumped astride of a Bramah Bull, and
trotted away to Amritsar; saw the head of the Sikh Faith, he had not got the article, had not heard of it, but advised me to apply to the AMEER of Afghanistan. I got into an ox dooly and at
length reached Cabul, saw the Ameer, he had not got it, had not seen it, nor heard of it, did not believe the article existed, but the KHAN of Bokhara could speak more positively about it. I got into a Tocan or Hamockeen and was
carried by two men to Bokhara, interviewed the Khan, he said it was absurd for the Ameer to send to him, he knew nothing about it, but the SHAH of Persia probably did. I got into a mule sleigh,
glided away to Teheran, enquired of the Shah, could get no satisfaction, he never heard of it, was I sure there was such an article in existence? I told him that I wanted to find out, but I thought there must be somewhere. Oh, then, said he, try the CHIEF RABBI of Jerusalem. I got into a coach, tore away to
the Holy City of the Jews, asked the head of the Jewish Faith, he had not one, I had better ask the PASHA of Damascus. I jumped astride of a bicycle,
trundled away to the oldest city in the world; asked the Pasha, he could not say, I had better ask the EMIR of the Druses. I creeped up the Lebanon in a bullock-waggon, saw and asked the
head of the Druse Faith, he referred me to the BEY of Tunis. I got on to a tricycle, rode to Tunis, saw the Bey,
he could not tell, perhaps the POPE of Rome could. I jumped into a ship,
made for the Eternal City, asked the head of the Christian Church, His Holiness could not tell, perhaps the GRAND SEIGNEUR of Turkey might. I stepped into a railway steam carriage, swept
around to the Golden Horn; saw His Sublime Mightiness the PADISHAW, he
[Page 113—Forty Ways Of Travelling]
said that he had not got one and never heard of it; but when I described to him, in clear, concise and glowing terms, the real value of the article to the whole human race, he said that every person black or white, or brown, or yellow, or red, or any other colour whatever, in the world, should have one and that it was the duty of all Kings and Queens and Emperors, and Sultans, and Czars, and Keizars, and Khedives and Khans, and Shahs, and Ameers, and Deys, and Beys, and Great Chams, and Grand Lamas, to see that every one of their subjects obtained one without delay. I said those were exactly my sentiments; but where was it to be got. He again graciously assured me that he did not know, bit I might ask the GRAND MUFTI of Turkey, the fountain of all human knowledge, and custodian of the sacred Koran. I tore along in a goat-carriage, interviewed the head of
the Mahometan Faith; but in answer to my query this Mighty Spiritual Magnate seemed taken aback; he affirmed that the Koran did not mention the article, and, therefore, he believed that it could not exist, but had I made a thorough search for it; had I tried the Dey of Algiers. I answered no! Had I tried the Doge of Venice—the Elector of Saxony—the Begum of Oude—the Stadholder of Holland— the Peishwa of Poona—the Nabob of Bengal—the Caliph of Bagdad— the Inca of Peru, or the great Mogul. I looked at the Grand Mufti in speechless astonishment; he might as well have asked me if I had enquired of Pharaoh or Nebuchadnezzer. I shook my head and rushed from his presence, completely nonplussed, bewildered, frantic. Where on earth was I to get the article? I had asked, and asked, and asked again, and was tired of asking. I had travelled fifty thousand miles by forty different modes of conveyance; consulted in their own capitals with thirty secular monarchs, governing three-fourths of the world; and I had with earnest, respectful enquiry approached the sacerdotal thrones of the spiritual monarchs of the eleven principal religions of mankind, and yet I could get no tidings of it. What was I to do? I was now standing in front of the great Mosque at Constantinople almost frantic with perplexity; some one approached and handed me a printed announcement. I read it! It sent an inexpressible thrill through me. I immediately took a steamer
for Melbourne, landed there, jumped into a cab, went straight to Cole's Book
Arcade, and saw a drawing of the very article I had ransacked the world over to obtain, and what do you think it was? It was a FLYING MACHINE! I wanted a flying machine, Mr. Cole informed me that he had not got his machine to fly yet, and that in all the world a machine was not yet invented that would fly, but that, through the active and progressive ingenuity of the human intellect, such a machine was certain to be invented in the future, and as an earnest of his strong conviction he handed me a document, which ran as follows:—
October 31st. 1882
I, the undersigned, firmly believe that as man has already made machines to run over the land and float over the water faster than the swiftest animal, so shortly he will make machines to fly through the air as fast, and finally faster, than the swiftest birds do now. And I hereby offer a bonus of L1,000 to any person who shall (in consequence of said bonus) within the next two years invent a flying machine, to go by Electrical, Chemical, Mechanical, or any other means, except by gas, a distance of 100 miles, and shall come and stop in front of the Book Arcade, Bourke Street, Melbourne, Australia, as easily and as safely as a carriage stops there now.
—E. W. Cole
Cole's Flying Machine
A workable flying machine would be the grandest invention of the age. My offer may not bring it about, but suppose a shilling subscription was made throughout the civilised world; say twenty million people gave 1/- each. That would be one million pounds, and offer that as a bonus for a useful flying machine, that bonus, I am sure, would produce the article. The shillings would be well spent, and it would immortalise the twenty million people who put their names down.
[Page 114—Miss Cole's Aerial Flight in a Flying Machine]
My prophecy with regard to flying machines, as may well be seen by the original statement herewith, was made twenty-eight years before the French aviator brought his machine to Australia which was on 2nd November, 1910, or two weeks before his successful flight.
Subsequently Mr. Hammond flew over the city. He remarked: "I was to early for breakfast, and just thirty years too late to claim E. W. Cole's prize of L1,000."
I believe that the advance of flying machines will be so rapid that within the next decade they will be used with as much ease and safety as any other means of present locomotion.
I will further state that their utility will be so great as to enable China, with her three hundred millions, to succeed in taking correct statistics.
And eventually the velocity with which they will fly may materially assist in establishing the peace of the world and the Parliament of Man.
My prophecy with regard to flying machines was made in 1868, and the bonus of L1,000 (see previous page) was offered in 1882.
—E. W. Cole
The above are facsimiles of 16 of 50 of E. W. Cole's World Federation Motto-Medals.
Mr. H. Hawker, The Man Who Flew.
Mr. Hawker was born at Brighton, Victoria, on 22nd January, 1889. He went to England in 1911, returning to Victoria in 1914, after three years experience of aviation in England. He just missed the L5000 prize given by the "Daily Mail" for a flight around the British Isles, meeting with an accident off the coast of Ireland.
Miss Linda Cole
Whose Flight with Mr. Hawker attained 4000 ft.
Mr. E. W. COLE
Prophesied Flying Machines and lived to see one of his daughters fly, and thus fulfilled his prophecy.
Miss Cole Entering The Sopwith Biplane Preparatory To Flying
[Page 115—Miss Cole's Aerial Flight in a Flying Machine]
Miss Cole And Mr. Harry Hawker
Companions In Space
Our World surrounded by one of the latest Inventions of man—"The Flying Machine."
Aviation In Melbourne Passengers Accompany Harry Hawker To The Clouds.
It was Mr. E. W. Cole's enthusiasm and belief in the ultimate success of aerial navigation that induced Miss Linda Cole to fly with Mr. Hawker, the daring young aviator, at Elsternwick recently. Miss Cole was perfectly calm and collected when entering the biplane, and showed no signs of "nerviness." During the flight around St. Kilda, Brighton and Sandringham, and across the waters of Hobson's Bay, she conversed freely with Mr. Hawker, and commented on the panoramic views which unfolded themselves below. Miss Cole, having heard that Mr. Hawker had some intention of flying on a non-stop journey from Sydney to Melbourne—a distance of 500 miles—was most anxious to accompany him, provided the Sopwith biplane would carry two persons in addition to the tank of petrol which would, of course, be indispensable. Mr. Hawker, however, says he would not take a passenger should he undertake the journey. Miss Cole is most anxious for another sea flight, as she is of opinion that the power to see through the water to the bottom of the ocean is one of the utmost importance, as it would, in warfare, enable aviators to locate with accuracy mines in harbours and any other submerged dangers. Her most ardent wish is to become a lady aviator, and she is contemplating a trip to Europe to obtain up-to-date instruction in the aerial art.
The reason Miss Cole went up was because her father has always taken a great interest in aviation, and many years ago offered substantial prizes to constructors of airships. He has ever evinced great faith in the ultimate triumph of aerial navigation, and she is glad that his dreams are being realised. Miss Cole went up on Friday, on the thirteenth of the month. Friday and the number 13 are considered unlucky; but all big events in her life have been associated with the number 13.
Miss Cole Leaves The Aeroplane
After Having Experienced Her First Trip in the Art of Flying, at Elsternwick, on Friday, 13th February, 1914.
Minister Of Defence (Mr. Millen) Soars Aloft.
[Page 116—Various Early Types of Aeroplanes]
[Page 117—Various Early Types of Aeroplanes]
[Page 118—Girls Names]
This is perhaps the Choicest Collection of Girls' Names in the English Language
To the Reader.—I beg to make one very important remark upon this immense variety of girl's names, and that is:—Be sure and preserve the list carefully, as it will serve from which to choose names for your daughters up to the number of 555, without using the same name over again. P.S.—If you should be very, very lucky, and have more than 555 daughters, and want more names, call on Professor Cole, at the Book Arcade, Melbourne, Australia, and he will give you an extra list.
Abigail, my father's joy Ada, happiness, rich gift Adah, ornament Adamena, red earth Adela, noble cheer Adelaide, noble cheer Adeleve, noble gift Adelia, of noble birth Adelina, noble manner Adeline, noble snake Agatha, good or honest Agnes, pure, holy, chaste Agneta, pure Alberta, female Albert Albina, white Aldgitha, noble gift Alethea, truth Alexandra, helper Alexandrina, helper Alice, a princess Alicia, noble cheer Alison, holy fame Almira, lofty Althea, wholesome Amabel, lovable Amalia, work, industry Amanda, worthy of love Amata, she that is loved Amelia, busy, energetic Amice, beloved Amicia, beloved Amy, beloved Anastasia, shall rise again Andromache, heroic fight Angel, angel Angela, angel Angelica, lovely, angelic Angelina, angel Angelletta, a messenger Angelot, angel Anisia, complete Ann, grace Anna, grace Annabel, grace Annabella, grace Annaple, grace Anne, grace Annette, grace Annice, grace Annor, grace Annora, eagle of Thor Annie, grace Anstace, resurrection Antoinette, small Antonia Antonia, inestimable Antonina, inestimable Arabella, eagle heroine Arbella, God hath avenged Athaliah, time for God Auda, rich Augusta, female Augustus Aurelia, golden Aureola, little, pretty Aurora, fresh, brilliant Averil, battle-maid Avice, war refuge Avis, war refuge Barbara, stranger Basilia, kingly Bathilda, battle-maid Bathsheba, 7th daughter Beata, blessed Beatrix, making happy Becky, noosed cord Bega, life Belinda (uncertain) Belle, oath of Baal Bellona, warlike Bernice, bringing victory Bertalda, bright warrior Bertha, bright, beautiful Bessie, God's oath Bessy, God's oath Bethia, life Beatrice, making happy Benedicta, making happy Betsy, oath of God Biddulph, ruling wolf Biddy, strength Blanche, white Bona, good Brenda, sword Bride, strength Bridget, shining bright Camilla, sacrificer Caroline, noble-spirited Carrie, noble-spirited Cassandra, love-inflaming Catharina, pure Catherine, pure Cecil, blind Cecilia, blind Cecily (or Cicily), blind Celia, female Coelius Celestine, heavenly Charissa, love Charley, man-girl Charlotte, noble-spirited Cherry, love Chloe, blooming Christabel, fair Christian Christiana, Christian Christina, Christian Clare, she that is fair Claribel, brightly fair Clarissa, rendering famous Clara, bright, fair Clarice, light Clara Clarinda, brightly fair Claudia, female Claude Clemeney, merciful, gentle Clementina, merciful Clementine, merciful Cleopatra, father's fame Colinette, Columba, dove Columbine, dove Constancia, firm, constant Constancia, firm Cora, maiden Cordelia, warm-hearted Cornelia, born Corinda, fair-maiden Custance, firm Cynthia, of Cynthus Cyrilla, lordly Damaria, little wife Deborah, bee Delia, of Delos Delicia, delightful Delilah, poor, small Di, goddess Diana, goddess Dinah, judgement Dionetta, of Dionysos Dolly, gift of God Dora, gift of God Doralice, gift Dorothea, divine gift Dorothy, divine gift Dowsabel, sweet, fair Drusilla, dew-sprinkled Dicia, sweet Dulce, sweet Duleibella, sweet, fair Dye, goddess Edeva, rich, gift Edith, happiness Edna, pleasure Effie, fair speech Ela, holy Elaine, light Elayne, light Elenor, light Elenora, light Elfleda, hail increase Elfrida, elf threatener Elinor, light Eliza, God's oath Elizabeth, God's oath Ella, elf friend Ellen, light Ellinor, light Ellis, God the Lord Elsie, noble cheer Elspeth, God's oath Emelin, work ruler Emily, work, industry Emlyn, work, serpent Emm, grandmother Emma, diligent nurse Emmeline, industrious Emmott, grandmother Enaid, the soul Enid, soul Eppie, soul Ermengarde, public guard Ernestine, earnest, serious Essa, nurse Essie, star Esther, good fortune Estienne, crown Ethel, noble, noble lady Ethelburga, protector Etheired, threatener Ethelind, noble snake Ethelinde, noble snake Etta, home rule Eucaria, happy hand Eucharis, happy grace Eudora, happy gift Eugenia, well-born Eugenie, well-born Eulalia, fair speed Eunice, happy victory Euphemia, fair fame Euphrasia, mirth Eva, life Evangeline, happy herald Eve, life-giving Eveleen, pleasant Evelina, little Eve Eveline, pleasant Eveline, little Eve Everhilda, battle-maid Fanny, free, liberal Faith, faith Faustina, lucky Felicia, happy Fenella, white-shouldered Fidelia, faithful Flora, flowers Florence, flourishing Florinda, pretty flower Frances, free, liberal Frederica, peace ruler Frediswid, peace, strength Frewissa, strong peace Gabrielle, God's hero Ganore, white wave Gatty, spear maid Genevieve, white wave Georgina, thrifty wife Georgiana, thrifty wife Geraldine, spear power Gerda, enclosure Gertrude, spear maiden Gill (or Gillet), downy Gillespie, bishop's servant Gillian, downy Gladuse, lame Godiva, divine gift Grace, grace, favour Griselda, stone heroine Guda, divine Gundrada, war council Gundred, war council Gunhilda, war heroine Gunnilda, war battle-maid Gunnora, war protection Gwendolen, white-browed Gytha, happy Hagar, a stranger Hannah, grace, gracious Harriet, a rich lady Hatty, home rule Havisia, war refuge Helaine, light Helen, light Helewise, famous holiness Henrietta, little Henry Henny, home rule Hepsy, my delight in her Hermione, of Hermes Hester, good fortune Hetty, little Henry Hilaria, cheerful, merry Hilda, battle-maid Honor, honour Honora, honourable Honoria, honourable Hope, hope Hortensia, gardener Huldah, a weasel Ida, happy, godlike Inez, chaste, pure Irene, peaceful Isa, iron Isabel, fair Eliza Isabella, fair Eliza Isadora, strong gift Isbel, God's oath Isobel, oath if God Isolde, fair Isolt, fair Izod, fair Jacintha, purple Jacobina, supplanter Jaquetta, supplanter Jacqueline, beguiling Jamesina, supplanter Jane, grace of God Janet, little Jane Jeanette, beguiling Jean, grace of God Jemima, a dove Jenny, grace of God Jessica, grace of God Jessie, grace of God Jezebel, oath of Baal Joan, the Lord's grace Jodoca, sportive Johanna, the Lord's grace Joletta, violet Joscelind, just Josephine, addition Josepha, addition Joy, joy Joyce, sportive, merry Judith (or Judy), praise Julia, soft-hearted Juliana, downy-bearded Juliet, downy-bearded Justina, just Kate, pure Katharine, pure Katherine, pure Kathleen, pure Katrina, pure Katie, pure Katrina Kester, Christ bearer Keturah, sweet perfume Kezia, Cassia Kissy, Cassia Kitty, Pure Laurinda, a laurel Laura, laurel Laurentia, laurel Lavinia, of Latium Leah, weary Leonora, light Letitia, gladness or mirth Lettiee, gladness Letty, truth Lilian, lily Lilly, lily Lizzie, oath of God Lora, laurel Lorinda, a laurel Lottie, noble-spirited Lotty, man Louisa, famous holiness Louise, an Amazon Love, love Loys, famous holiness Lucia, shining Lucilla, light Lucinda, light Lucrece, gain Lucretia, gain Lucy, light-shining Lydia, born in Lydia Mab, mirth Mabel, beloved Mabella, my fair maiden Madeline, magnificent Madge, pearl Margaret, pearl Maria, bitter Marian, bitter grace Marianne, bitter grace Marion, bitter Marjorie or Marjory, pearl Martha, becoming bitter Martina, of Mars, warlike Mary, bitter Matilda, battle-maid Matty, becoming bitter Maud (or Maud), noble May, pearl Melania, black Melicent, work, strength Melissa, bee Melony, dark Melva, chief Menie, bitter Mercy, compassion Mercia, work rule Meriel, nymph Milcah, queen Mildred, mild threatener Millicent, work, strength Milly, work, strength Minella, resolute Mingala, soft and fair Minna, memory Minnie, little Miranda, to be admired Miriam, bitter Moina, soft Mencha, adviser Monica, adviser Moore, great Morgana, sea dweller Morna, beloved Moroli, sea protection Mynette, resolute Myra, a weeper Mysie, pearl Nancy (or Nanny), grace Naomi, pleasant Nelly, light Nellie, light Ninon (or Ninette), grace Nora, honourable Norah, honourable Octavia, eighth-born Olive, olive Olympis, heavenly Ophelia, serpent Osberga, divine pledge Osberta, divinely bright Osyth, divine strength Parnel, a little stone Patience, bearing up Patricia, noble Patty, becoming batter Paulina, little Paul Pauline, little Paul Paula, little Peace, peace Peggy, pearl Penelope, weaver Pernel, stone Petrina, stone Petronella, stone Phebe, light of life Phemie, fair fame Philadelphia, fraternal Philippa, lover of horses Phillis, a little leaf Phoebe, shining Piety, piety Polly, bitter Portia, of the pigs Priscilla, ancient Prudence, prudent Quenburga, queen of pledge Rachel, ewe Rebecca, full fed Rebekah, enchanting Rhoda, rose Robina, bright fame Rose, a rose Rosabel, fair rose Rosabella, fair rose Rosalia, blooming rose Rosalie, blooming rose Rosalind, like a rose Rosaline, famed serpent Rosamond, protection Rosamuad, rose of peace Rosanne, rose Rose, rose Rosecleer, fair rose Rosina, rose Rowena, white skirt Roxana, dawn of day Ruth, watered or filtered Sabina, religious Sabrina, the Severn Sally, princess Sarah, princess Sarai, lady or princess Selina, moon or parsley Selma, fair Serena, serene Sibella, wise old woman Sidonia, of Sidon Sigismunda, conquering Sissie, little sister Soloma, peace Sophia, wisdom Sophronia, of sound mind Stella, star Stephana, crown Stratonice, army victory Susie, a lily Susan, a rose or lily Susannah, lily Sylvia, living in a weed Tabitha, gazelle Tamar, palm Tamasine, twin Temperance, moderation Thalia, bloom Thecla, divine fame Theobalda, people's prince Theodora, divine gift Theophila, divinity-loved Theresa, carrying corn Thomasine, twin Thyrza, pleasantness Tibelda, people's prince Tilda, mighty battle-maid Timothea, fear God Tirzah, pleasantness Tracy, carrying corn Trix, blessed Tryphena, dainty Tryphosa, dainty Ulrica, noble ruler Una, famine Urania, heavenly Ursula, she bear Valeria, female Valerius Vanora, white wave Vashti, one that drinks Venetia, blessed Venice, blessed Veronica, a true image Verosa, true Vevina, melodious woman Victoria, conqueror Vida, life Violet, violet Viola, a violet Virginia, flourishing Walburg, gracious Wenefride, white wave Werburgha, protection Wilfred, white stream Wilhelmina, defendress Williamina, defendress Wilmett, cap of resolution Winefride, lover of peace Winifrid, white stream Zenobia, sire's ornament Zerah, rising of light Zillah, shadow Zoe, life Zora, dawn
BE SURE AND PICK A NICE NAME FOR THE BABY
[Page 119—Boys Names]
This is perhaps the Choicest Collection of Boys' Names in the English Language
To the Reader.—I beg to make one very important remark upon this immense variety of boy's names, and that is:—Be sure and preserve the list carefully, as it will serve from which to choose names for your sons up to the number of 555, without using the same name over again. P.S.—If you should be very, very lucky, and have more than 555 sons, and want more names, call on Professor Cole, at the Book Arcade, Melbourne, Australia, and he will give you an extra list.
Aaron, lofty, inspired Abel, vanity Abelard, noble Abiathar, sire of plenty Abijah, child of God Abijam, father of the sea Abimelech, king's father Abner, father of light Abraham, sire of many Abram, elevated father Absalom, father of peace Achilles, without lips Adam, red earth Adin, tender, delicate Adolphus, noble wolf Adrian, rich or wealthy Aeneas, praise Ahaz, visionary Alan, cheerful Alaric, noble ruler Alban, white Alberic, elf king, or all rich Albert, nobly, bright Aleuin, hall friend Aldebert, nobly bright Aldhelm, noble helmet Alexander, helper of men Alexis, helper Alfred, good counseller Algernon, with whiskers Alick, helper of men Allan (or Allen), cheerful Almeric, work ruler Alphonso, eager, willing Alphin, elf Amadas, husbandman Amasa, a burden Ambrose, immortal, divine Amos, a burden Andrew, manly, valiant Angus, excellent virtue Anselm, divine helmet Anstice, resurrection Anthony, inestimable Antony, inestimable Appolos, of Apollo Aquila, eagle Archibald, powerful, bold Aristides, son of the best Arkles, noble fame Arnold, strong as an eagle Artemus, gift of Diana Arth, high Arthur, high, noble Asa, physician or healer Ascelin, servant Asher, blessed, fortunate Ashur, black or blackness Athanasius, undying Athelstan, noble stone Athelwold, noble power Aubrey, ruler of spirits Audrey, noble threatener Augustin, venerable Augustus, majestic Aureilus, golden Austin, venerable Aymar, work ruler Bab, stranger Baldie, sacred prince Baldred, prince council Baldric, prince ruler Baldwin, bold friend Banquo, white Baptist, baptiser Barak, lightning Bardolf, bright helper Barnabas, son of consolation Barnard, bold as a bear Barry, looking bright Bartholomew, warlike son Barthram, bright raven Bartley, son of furrows Bartram, bright raven Barzillai, son of iron Basil, kingly Bat, son of furrows Beavis, beautiful Ben, son of the right hand Benedict, blessed Benjamin, same as Ben Bennet, blessed Benoni, son of sorrow Berenger, bear spear Beriah, son of evil Bernard, bold as a bear Bertram, bright raven Bertran, fair and pure Blase (or Blaze), babbler Bohemond, God's love Boniface, well-doer Botolph, ruling wolf Boyd, yellow Brithric, bright king Brockwell, champion Bruno, brown Brush, immortal Bryan, strong Cadoe, war Cadogan, war Cadwallader, a general Caesar, hairy Cain, possession Caleb, dog Calvin, bald Canute, hill Caradoc, beloved Carmichael, Michael's friend Caswallon, hating lord Cecil, blind Charinas, grace Charles, noble spirited Christian, of Christ Christopher, Christ bearer Chrysostom, gold mouth Clarence, illustrious Claude, lame Clement, merciful gentle Colbert, cool, bright Colborn, black bear Colin, dove Colomb, dove Conachar, strong help Coniah, appointed Conmor, strength great Connal, chief's courage Connor, slaughter hound Conrad, able speed Constant, firm, faithful Constantine, firm Cornelius, horn Cradock, beloved Crispin, curly-haired Cuthbert, noted splendour Cymbeline, lord of the sun Cyprian, of Cyprus Cyril, lordly Cyrus, the sun Dan, a judge Daniel, the judging God Darcy, dark Darius, king, preserver David, beloved, the darling Dennis, of Dionysos Derrick, people's wealth Dick, firm ruler Didymus, twin Diggory, the almost lost Dionysius, of Dionysos Dodd, of the people Dominic, Sunday child Donald, proud chief Dougal, black stranger Douglas, dark grey Dudley, people's ruler Duff, black Dugold, black stranger Duncan, brown chief Ebenezer, stone of help Edgar, protector of wealth Edmund, rich protection Edward, happy keeper Edwin, rich friend Egbert, formidably bright Eldred, fierce in battle Eli, a foster son Elias, God the Lord Elihu, He is my God Elijah, God the Lord Elisha, God the Saviour Elizur, God my rock Ellis, God the Lord Emanuel, God with us Emilius, work Enoch, dedicated Enos, mortal man Ephriam, very fruitful Erasmus, amiable, lovely Erastus, lovely, amiable Eric, era king, rich Ernest, serious Esaias, salvation of God Esau, covered with hair Esbert, bright for ever Esdras, rising of light Etheired, noble council Eugene, well-born Eusebius, pious Eustace, healthy, strong Evan, young warrior Everard, strong as a boar Ezekiel, strength of God Ezra, rising of light Farquhar, manly Feargus, man of strength Felim, ever good Felix, happy, prosperous Ferdinand, brave Fergus, man's strength Fernando, brave Festus, joyful Fingal, white stranger Flavian, yellow Francis, free, liberal Frank, free Franklin, free Frederic, peaceful ruler Frewen, free friend Fulbert, bright resolution Faulk, people's guard Gabriel, hero of God Gaius, rejoiced Gamaliel, gift of God Garratt, spear firm Gavin, hawk of battle Geoffrey, God's peace George, husbandman Gerald, spear power Germaine, German Gervas, war eagerness Gibbon, bright pledge Gideon, destroyer Gilbert, bright as gold Gilchrist, servant of Christ Giles, a kid Gillespie, bishop's servant Gillies, servant of Jesus Gisborn, pledge bearer Goddard, pious, virtuous Gedfrey, God's peace Godric, divine king Godwin, divine friend Greg, fierce Gregory, watchful Griffith, strong-faithed Grimbald, self-controlled Gustavus, a warrior Guy, a leader Hadassah, myrtle Halbert, bright stone Hamlyn, home Hanan, grace Hannibal, grace of Baal Harold, a champion Harry, home rule Harvey, bitter Haymon, home Heber, a companion Hector, a defender Henry, a rich lord Herbert, bright warrior Hercules, lordly fame Hereward, sword guardian Herman, a warrior Herodias, of a hero Herodotus, noble gift Hezekiah, strength of God Hilary, cheerful Hildebert, a nobleman Hildebrand, a warbrand Hiram, most noble Hodge, spear of fame Homer, a pledge Horace, worthy of love Horatio, worthy of love Hoshea, salvation Hubbard, mind bright Hubert, mind bright Hugh, mind Hugo, mind Humphrey, home peace Ian, grace of God Ignatius, fiery Immanuel, God with us Increase, more faith Ingram, Ing's raven Inigo, fiery Innocent, harmless Ira, watchful Isaac, laughter Issiah, salvation of God Israel, soldier of God Ivan, gift of God Ives, archer Izaak, laughter Jabez, sorrow Jacob, supplanter James, superior Japhet, extender Jarratt, spear firm Jason, healer Jasper, treasure master Jeffrey, good peace Jehu, the Lord is he Jenkin, Grace of God Jeremiah, exalted of God Jerome, holy name Jervis, spear war Jesse, wealth Joachim, God will judge Joab, son of God Job, persecuted Joel, strong-willed John, the Lord's grace Jonah (or Jonas), dove Jonathan, gift of God Jordan, descender Joscelin, just Joseph, addition Joshua, a Saviour Josiah, fire of God Judah, praised Julian, downy bearded Julius, downy bearded Justin, just Justus, just Kay, rejoicing Kenelm, a defender Kenneth, a leader Laban, white Lachlan, warlike Lambert, illustrious Lancelot, servant Laurence, laurel crowned Lawrence, laurel crowned Lazarus, God will help Leander, lion-hearted Lear, sea Leonard, lion-strong Leopold, bold for men Levi, adhesion Lewis, people's refuge Lionel, lion Llawellyn, lightning Lloyd, grey Lodowic, famed piety Lorenzo, laurel crowned Lot, lion Lothar, glorious warrior Lothario, great warrior Louis, famous holiness Lubin, love friend Lucian, light Ludovic, bold warrior Luke, light Luther, glorious warrior Maddox, beneficent Madoc, beneficent Magnus, great Malachi, angel of God Malcom, of Colbumia Manfred, mighty peace Manual, God with us Marcus, of Mars, a hammer Mark, warlike Marmaduke, sea leader Martin, great, martial Martyn, great, martial Matthew, gift of God Matthias, gift of God Maurice, dark coloured Maynard, great firmness Meredith, sea protector Merlin, sea hill Michael, who is like God Miles, crusher Moore, great Morgan, seaman Morris, sea warrior Moses, drawn from water Napoleon, forest king Narcissus, daffodil Nathan, a gift Nathanael, gift of God Nero, strength, fortitude Nicodemus, conqueror Nicholas, conquered Nicol, conquered Niel, brave, dark Niell, brave Nigel, black Noah, rest, comfort Noel, Christmas-born Norman, a Northman Obadiah, servant of God Octavius, the eighth-born Odo, rich Olave, ancestor's relic Oliver, olive tree Orlando, fame of the land Orson, dear Osbert, divinely bright Osborn, divine bear Oscar, bounding warrior Osfred, divine peace Oslaf, divine legacy Osmond, divine perfection Osric, divine rule Oswald, divine power Osyth, young warrior Palmerin, sign of victory Pancras, all-ruler Pascoe, Easter child Passion, suffering Patrick, noble Paul, little Payne, countryman Percival, holy cup-bearer Peregrine, stranger Peter, stone Phelim, good. Philadelphius, brotherly Phillip, lover of horses Phineas, mouth of brass Pius, pious Pierce (or Piers), stone Pilgrim, traveller Polycarp, much fruit Pompey, of Pompeii Quentin, fifth-born Ralph, help, counsel Ranald, judging power Randal, house wolf Raphael, healing of God Ravelin, council wolf Raymond, wise protector Raymund, quiet peace Rayner, judge warrior Redmond, counsel Redwald, council, power Reginald, judging power Renfred, peace, judgement Restyn, restored to Reuben, behold a son Reynard, firm judge Reynold, judging power Richard, stern king Robert, bright in fame Roderick, famous king Rodolph, wolf of fame Rodolphus, famous wolf Roger, spear of fame Roland, fame of the land Rollo, wolf of fame Rolph, wolf of fame Ronan, seal Ronald, judge power Roswald, horse power Rowland, fame of the land Roy, red Rufus, red-haired Rupert, bright fame Sampson, splendid sun Samuel, asked of God Saul, longed for Saunders, helper of men Sayer, conquering army Seabert, bright victory Seaforth, peace victory Seaward, defender Sebastian, venerable Seth, appointed Shawn, grace of God Sholto, sower Sibbald, conquering Sigismund, conquering Silas, living in a wood Sim, obedient Simeon, obedient Simon, obedient Solomon, peaceable Stephen, crown Swain, youth Swithun, strong friend Sylvanus, god of the wood Sylvester, a rustic Tancard, grateful guard Tancred, grateful speech Teague, poet Terence, tender Thaddaeus, praise Theobald, people's prince Theodore, divine gift Theodosius, genius of God Theodric, people's ruler Theodoric, people's ruler Theophilus, friend of God Thias, gift of God Thomas, a twin Thorold, Thor's power Thurstan, Thor's jewel Tibal, people's prince Tiernan, kingly Timothy, God-fearing Titus, safe Tobias, goodness of God Tom, a twin Tristram, grave, sad Tudor, divine gift Turgar, Thor's spear Tybalt, people's prince Ulfric, wolf ruler Ulick, mind, reward Ulysses, a hater Urban, of the town Uriah, light of God Uric, noble ruler Valentine, healthy, strong Victor, conqueror Vincent, conquering Virgil, flourishing Vivian, lively Vortigern, great king Vyvyan, living Waldemar, powerful fame Walstan, slaughter stone Walter, powerful warrior Warner, protector Warren, protecting friend Water, powerful warrior Wattles, powerful warrior Wawyn, hawk of battle Wayland, artful Wenceslaus, crown, glory Wilfred, resolute peace Wilfrith, resolute peace Willfroy, resolute peace William, protector Willibald, much power Wilmot, resolute mood Winifred, friend of peace Wulstan, comely Yestin, just Zachariah, man of God Zaccheus, pure, clean Zebulon, dwelling Zechariah, man of God Zedekiah, justice of God Zephaniah, secret of God Zerah, rising of light Zoroaster, gold star
LOOK AND SEE THE MEANING OF YOUR OWN NAME
[Page 120—Game Land]
Cole's Game Of Hats And Bonnets Or Husbands And Wives
One Hundred Little Ladies Showing the 24 various modes by which they came into Cole's Book Arcade
One hundred Little ladies, All clever, learned and trained, Half WALKED in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And fifty then remained.
Fifty Thoughtful little ladies, All lovers of book-lore, Ten RAN in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And there remained two-score.
Forty Pretty ladies, Racing but not flirty, Ten RACED in-to Cole's Book Arcade, An then there were but thirty.
Thirty Famous ladies, Swimming in the Plenty. Ten SWAM in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were but twenty.
Twenty Wealthy ladies, Jumping in velveteen, One JUMPED in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were nineteen.
Nineteen Noble ladies, Going out a-skating, One SKATED in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were but eighteen.
Eighteen Royal ladies, All dancing with the Queen, On Danced in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And there were seventeen.
Seventeen Grand ladies, Driving a bullock team, One DROVE in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were sixteen.
Sixteen Gentle ladies, All hopping on the green, One HOPPED in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were fifteen.
Fifteen Modest ladies, All creeping out unseen, One CREPT in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were fourteen.
Fourteen Handsome ladies, All floating down a stream, One FLOATED in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were thirteen.
Thirteen Lovely ladies, All leaping out to delve, One LEAPED in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were but twelve.
[Page 121—Game Land]
Cole's Game Of Hats And Bonnets Or Husbands And Wives
Twelve fine Blooming ladies, Flitting out for leaven, One FLITTED in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were eleven.
Eleven Frightened ladies, Dodging a lion when— One DODGED in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were but ten.
Ten most Charming ladies, All skipping in a line, One SKIPPED in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were but nine.
Nine most Splendid ladies, All swinging on a gate, One SWUNG in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were but eight.
Eight most Superb ladies, Flying under heaven, One FLEW in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were but seven.
Seven English ladies, All tripping out for sticks, One TRIPPED in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were but six.
Six fine Irish ladies, All going for a dive, One DIVED in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were but five.
Five fine Scottish ladies, All sailing to explore, One SAILED in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were but four.
Four fine Yellow ladies, All steaming on the sea, One STEAMED in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were but three.
Three fine Jet-black ladies, All riding on a moo, One RODE in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there were but two.
Two most Comic ladies, Sliding about for fun, One SLID in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And then there was but one.
One most Frisky lady, The nicest, last, and best, She BOUNCED in-to Cole's Book Arcade, And read books with the rest.
[Page 122—Game Land]
Cole's Game Of Hats And Bonnets Or Husbands And Wives
PROCLAMATION BY AUTHORITY.
Be it known unto all of you that to find your own portrait and the fashion of your hat or bonnet, your Christian name and the Alphabet are used.
The Alphabet is divided into four parts for the second letter of each person's name as follows:—The letters A B C D E F belong to No. 1 portrait in each row, and in the case of the first of the letter A include such names as Abigail, Ada, Aaron, Abraham, Adolphus. The letters G H I J K L belong to the second portrait in each row, and in the case of the second portrait, of the letter A include such name as Agnes, Alice, Ahaz, Alfred. The letters M N O P Q R belong to the third portrait of each row, and in the case of the letter A include such names as Amy, Anna, Arabella, Amos, Andrew, Arthur. The letters S T U V W X Y Z belong to the fourth portrait in each row, and in the case of the letter A include such names as Athalia, Augusta, Asa, Augusta. The same rule is followed with each letter of the Alphabet: for instance, the first portrait in the row B belongs to such names as Barbara, Bessie, Bartholomew, Benjamin, and so on throughout the whole collection of portraits.
If a woman is looking for her future husband, she must find the number of her own portrait and then the corresponding number amongst the men's, and THAT IS TO BE HER HUSBAND: for instance, if her own portrait is No. 27, No. 27 amongst the men's is the portrait of her future darling. The same rule is to be followed by the men. If a man's portrait is No. 93, No. 93 amongst the ladies' IS TO BE HIS WIFE, his own future angel.
[Page 123—Game Land]
Cole's Game Of Hats And Bonnets Or Husbands And Wives
If the persons who consult this oracle are single, the sweetheart that falls to their lot will be their first husband or wife, and if they are married it will be their second husband or wife, and if they have been married twice, it will be their third one, and so on up to 144 times of being married; and after that no one will be allowed to consult this oracle, look at it, speak of it, or even think about it, such objectionable persons being entirely excluded from its benefits.
Persons who consult this oracle must accept the husband or wife that falls to their lot just the same as if they married them in the usual way, but if dissatisfied on account of ugliness, dress, or any other cause the consulter, by doing penance in the shape of a pilgrimage to a certain place in the exact centre of the world and paying a small sum, can obtain a DIVORCE.
The place to which the pilgrimage is to be made is Cole's Book Arcade, Bourke Street, Melbourne, Australia, where they must buy a book of some kind, and that act DIVORCES them at once.
Bashful persons need not mention their pilgrimage to the Book Arcade, when they purchase the book, unless they choose.
Anyone having obtained a DIVORCE will be allowed to choose out of 9 other portraits. If the number of the portrait that fell to their lot was 8, they can choose any other number ending with 8, as 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, 78, 88 and 98, of if their first number was 65 they can choose from 5, 15, 25, 35, 45, 55, 75, 85, 95 and so on; whatever their number was, they may choose from the corresponding figures throughout the table.
If, after making a choice out of the 9 portraits, anyone is still dissatisfied, by making 10 pilgrimages to the Book Arcade, or by buying and giving away 10 copies of this Funny Picture Book, they can claim the indulgence of a GRAND DIVORCE and choose which they like out of the whole 104 portraits.
Given under our Royal hand and Seal at the Palace of the Book Arcade, this 21st day of November, 1890.—COLE, REX.
[Page 124—Riddles And Catches]
Riddles And Catches
Why are cowardly soldiers like butter? Because they run when exposed to fire.
Why is hot bread like a caterpillar? Because it's the grub that makes the butter fly.
Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves? Because they ought to be taken up.
Why is an acquitted prisoner like a gun? Because he is taken up, charged, and then let off.
Why is a beggar like a barrister? Because he pleads for his daily bread.
Why are lawyers like scissors? Because they never cut each other, but only what is placed between them.
Why is a newspaper like an army? Because it has leaders, columns, and reviews.
Why is a prosy story-teller like a railway tunnel? Because he is a great bore.
Why is a dun like a woodcock? Because he bores with his bill.
Why is grass like a mouse? Because the cat'll (cattle) eat it.
Why is the sun like a good loaf? Because it's light when it rises.
Why is a plum-cake like the ocean? Because it contains many curra(e)nts.
Why are tears like potatoes? Because they spring from the eyes.
Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because they both have crowns.
What is the difference between a steep hill and a large pill? One is hard to get up, the other is hard to get down.
What is the difference between a pastry-cook and a billsticker? One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs.
What is the difference between an auction and seasickness? One is the sale of effects and the other is the effects of a sail.
Why is a photographic album like a drainer on a bar counter? Because it is often a receptacle for empty mugs.
Why is an interesting book like a toper's nose? Because it is read (red) to the end.
What relation is your uncle's brother to you, if he is not your uncle? Your father.
What is the best throw of the dice? To throw them away.
What tree clothes half the world?—Cotton. What tree gives milk? The cow tree. What tree is a city in Ireland?—Cork. What plant is a letter of the alphabet?—The Tea (T). What kind of bat flies without wings?—A brickbat.
Why is a dog biting his own tail like a good manager? Because he makes both ends meet.
Why is a dog's tail like the pith of a tree? Because it's the farthest from the bark.
Why does a dog's tail resemble happiness? Because, run after it as he will, he cannot catch it.
If the Devil lost his tail, where should he go to find a new one? To a gin palace, for bad spirits are retailed there.
What key is hardest to turn?—A donkey.
Why is a whirlpool like a donkey? Because it is an eddy.
What is it that smells most when you go into a chemist's shop? Your nose.
Why does a donkey prefer thistles to corn? Because he's an ass.
Why is a lollypop like a horse? Because the more you lick it, the faster it goes.
Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because it stops at the sound of woe.
I went to a wood and got it, I sat down to look for it, and brought it home because I could not find it— A thorn in my foot.
Why is a naughty boy like a postage stamp? Because he is licked and put in the corner to make him stick to his letters.
What is the difference between twice twenty-eight and twice eight and twenty. Twenty; because twice twenty eight is fifty-six, and twice eight and twenty is thirty-six.
What grows less tired the more it works? A carriage wheel.
What is that which increases the more you take from it? A hole.
Why is a tight boot like an oak-tree? Because it produces a-corn.
Who killed one-fourth of the people in the world? Cain, when he killed Abel, there being then only four people in it.
Why is a retired milkman like the whale that swallowed Jonah? Because he took the profit out of the water.
Where was Moses when the candle went out? In the dark.
Why is your ear like a band of music? Because it has a drum in it.
Why are book-keepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a living.
Why is coffee like an axe with a dull edge? Because it must be ground before it is used.
Why is a red herring like a mackintosh? Because it keeps one dry all day.
Where are balls and routs supplied gratis? On the field of battle.
Why is an omnibus like a medical student? Because it is crammed and allowed to pass.
When has a person got as many heads as there are days in the year? On the 31st of December.
What word is shorter for having a syllable added to it? Short.
If I shoot at three birds on a tree, and kill one, how many will remain? None; they will all fly away.
What should you keep after you have given it to another? Your word.
Which would travel fastest—a man with one sack of flour on his back, or a man with two sacks? The man with two sacks, as they would be lighter than one sack of flour.
Did you ever see a bun dance on a table? I often see abundance on the table.
What does your ship weigh before she sets sail? She weighs anchor.
What is an old woman like who is in the midst of a river? Like to be drowned.
What is the difference between a school-master and an engine driver? One trains the mind, and the other minds the train.
Who was the first man who went round the world? The man in the moon.
Wanted known to all of the name of Crooks, that Cole's Book Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books. Wanted known to all not of the name of Crooks, that Cole's Book Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books. Wanted known to all of the name of Blair that they can get almost any book they want there. Wanted known to all not of the name of Blair that they can get almost any book they want there. Wanted known to all of the name of Fitzgerald, Cole's was the first Book Arcade opened in the World. Wanted known to all not of the name of Fitzgerald, Cole's is still the only Book Arcade in the World. Wanted all intelligent persons of the name of Hall, to give Cole's Unique Book Arcade an early call. Wanted all intelligent persons not of the name of Hall, to give Cole's Unique Book Arcade a very early call.
[Page 125—Riddles And Catches]
Riddles About Babies And Ladies
Why is a new-born baby like a gale of wind? Because it begins with a squall.
When is a baby not a baby? When it is a little duck.
Why is an infant like a diamond? Because it is a dear little thing.
When is a soldier like a baby? When he is in arms.
When is butter like Irish children? When it is made into little Pats.
Why is a church-clock like a little boy often receiving a beating? Because it's hands move over it's face.
Why is a boy like a potato? Because they both wear jackets.
Why is the earth like a school black-board? Because the children of men multiply upon the face of it.
Why does a ladies' school, out for a walk, resemble the notes of a flute? Because it goes two, two, two, two (toot-oot-oot-oot).
What tree is a lady's name?—Olive.
When do young ladies eat a musical instrument? When they have a Piano-for-tea.
Why is a four-quart jug like a lady's side-saddle? Because it holds a gall-on.
Why is a vain young lady like a confirmed drunkard? Because neither of them is satisfied with a moderate use of the glass.
Why is a flirt like a hollow India-rubber ball? Because she is very empty and has a deal of bounce.
What is the difference between a soldier and a fashionable young lady? One faces the powder and the other powders the face.
Why does an engine resemble a young lady? Because it has a train behind, and puffs in the air (hair).
If a bear were to go into a linen-draper's shop, what would he want? He would want muzzlin'.
What is the difference between a bantam cock, and a dirty housemaid? One is a domestic foul and the other a foul domestic.
What were the first words Adam said to Eve? Nobody knows.
How is it proved that woman was created before man? Because Eve was the first maid (made).
What Christian name is spelt the same way backwards and forwards? Hannah.
What is the difference between a person late for the train and a school-mistress? One misses the train and the other trains the misses.
What Miss is always making blunders? Mistake.
What Miss plays more tricks than a schoolboy? Mischief.
What miss occasions a great many quarrels? Mismanagement.
What is that which ladies look for, and never wish to find? A hole in their stocking.
What is that which a man nearly always wears in his sleep, frequently takes off and never puts on again? His beard.
This nice looking man with a beard, Remarked, "It's just as I feared; Four larks and a hen, two owls and a wren, Have all built their nests in my beard."
What is that which has neither flesh nor bone, and yet has four fingers and a thumb? A glove.
Why are ladies' dresses about the waist like a meeting? Because there is a gathering there, and sometimes a good deal of bustle.
How does a well-fitting bonnet lose its identity? Because it "becomes" the lady who wears it.
What is the sweetest thing in bonnets this season? The ladies' faces.
Why is a kiss like a rumour? Because it goes from mouth to mouth.
What is the difference between an accepted and rejected lover? The one kisses his misses, and the other misses his kisses.
Why are pretty girls like fire-works? Because they soon go off.
Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies? Because they want carrying out.
Why are lovers like apples? Because they are often paired (pared).
Why is first love like a potato? Because it shoots from the eyes and becomes all the less by pairing (paring).
Which age do most girls wish to attain? Marri-age.
What kind of men do women like best? Husband-men.
What ties two people together, yet touches one? A wedding ring.
Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because by doing so he rings his own Nell (knell).
Why is the bridegroom more expensive than the bride? Because the bride is given away, while the bridegroom is usually sold.
Why are ladies like bells? Because you seldom know what metal they are made of till you ring them.
What money lasts longest when you get it? Matrimony.
Why is matrimony like a besieged city? Because those who are in it wish to be out, and those who are out wish to be in.
Why are some women like facts? Because they are stubborn things.
Why are rough seats like domineering wives? Because they wear the breeches.
Why are husband and wife ten, instead of one? Because the wife is number one and the husband goes for nought.
Why was the Archbishop of Canterbury like the late Prince Consort? Because he married the Queen.
Why is a nugget of gold found at Bendigo like the Prince of Wales? Because it is the produce of Victoria and like to become a sovereign.
Why are ladies great thieves? Because they steel their petticoats, bone their stays, and crib their babies.
In what month do ladies talk the least? In February; because it's the shortest.
What is the difference between ladies and clocks? One makes us remember time, and the other makes us forget it.
Why is an empty room like another full of married people? Because there is not a single person in it.
The commonly received notion that a man may marry his first cousin, but must not marry his second is not true; but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade is in Bourke Street, Melbourne, about half-way between Swanston and Elizabeth Sts. The rumour that a Yankee Gentleman had invented a machine to take the noise out of thunder has turned out not to be true; but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade is open from nine in the morning to ten at night, every working day in the year. The fact that Cole's Book Arcade contains 80,000 sorts of books is not the cause of the sea being salt—of coca-nuts containing milk— of the growth of big gooseberries, nor of the multitude of great big fibs told annually about a sea-serpent. It is not true that cats will suck the breath of children when they are asleep, but it is quite true that Cole's Book Arcade contains one interesting cat and 80,000 sorts of interesting books. N.B.—The likeness of Cole's Cat can be seen on page 153.